Queen of Swords

. . . can be a harrowing thing.

I have been led to connect with a very special man who is at a point of intense transformation in his life, one involving spirituality, BDSM, and his deepest authenticity. I have suddenly found myself combining the role of erotic priestess and spiritual director, and it is both dizzying in its intensity and incredibly grounding in the sense of feeling like I have been led to embrace an aspect of my Work which I have intuited since adolescence but never thought to actually fulfill.

What I am doing looks very little like any description of "sacred prostitute" I have ever seen, but that makes it no less authentic, only that much more unique. There are blessings I am uniquely qualified to mediate -- and there are others I am not. All I know is that last week, as my time with him wound to a close, I felt that I had achieved something very important for myself, that I could in some sense die now, having fulfilled an important part of my mission here. Of course, it is better to live and keep doing my Work. . . but there was still a sense of "It is accomplished."

The "harrowing" aspect comes from my awareness of the profound changes in his life that I did not cause -- they were underway before we connected -- but for which I have become a potent catalyst. I am aware of how very careful I need to be in what I say, for he has invested me with significant authority, and will be vulnerable to mistakes I make. I must be vigilant and attentive in my own devotions and practices to make sure I remain an open channel to the Divine, and not get caught up in my own ego, whether that manifests in reckless pride or fear.

This is where my training as a spiritual director is finally coming into focus, for although there was a limit to what I could learn at a Christian seminary, the principles of direction transcend path. I am even more grateful for having had that experience.

This is also the point where I have started to understand how a submissive woman can also be a priestess. I need to be careful about how much I put into print about someone else's journey, so I can't go into detail, but suffice to say that a puzzle I struggled with years ago has been resolved in a positive way. And I know that without my experience with LM and Michael I would not have been brought to the point where I would have the wisdom to be capable of negotiating this particular ambiguity.

LM and Michael initiated me into my queenship and into sacred sexuality. This man, unknowing, has been the vessel by which I have been initiated into being a hierodule, another aspect of my life which I had yearned for but believed to be impossible. And once again, it is an Emperor who is responsible for that initiation.

I was on the phone with my teacher and Scotty for more than two hours last night, and it was transformative.

The thing about initiations is that once they are underway, you can't stop in the middle of them. (I'm not talking about a ritual you can walk out of, but the deeper processes.) Trying to get back to what you were only traps you in a death state. To thrive, you must move forward into the unknown, newly-birthing new self.

Now that my grieving is over, I've been trying to get back to "normal" -- but defining it in terms of who I used to be, even as I paid lip service to having been through an intense initiation. But I'd only defined that initiation in terms of my spiritual path, not understanding that my entire being has been impacted.

I am not who I was. I don't know yet who I have become, who I am becoming. There is continuity, of course, but so much disjunct in my internal patterns that I am often at a loss, numb. I've been saying "I need to find new ways to be happy" and etc., but part of me has still been clinging to my old self, my style of life. For those of you who know "Once More with Feeling," I've been singing along far too often with "Going Through the Motions" and the first few lines of "Walk Through the Fire." (Why can't I feel? My skin should crack and peel. I want the fire back.)

First I had to grieve the loss of LM and accept the hole in my life where he used to stand.
Then I had to accept and grieve the loss of the future with him which I had been looking forward to.
Now I have to not just accept that I'm becoming someone very different than I was, I have to let go of that old self-image before the new one is fully in place.

There is a sadly ironic element as well. There have been days when I've hated Michael for changing so much after LM's death, but I've been blind and resistant to my own transformation.

When my allies and I started the conversation last night, I had been afraid because of the numbness I've been feeling for the past several months. I had been starting to think about going to a psychiatrist, perhaps asking for anti-depressants. Now I feel hope and an openness to life I haven't felt for quite a while. It's not a finished process. I suspect I will still go through cycles of resistance, grayness, and forward motion, but I feel like this is the key to what I've been suffering for the past few months since the end of my grieving.

This was confirmed by my dreams last night especially the one where LM and I encountered each other as completely different people, but we recognized each other and he kissed me the way he first kissed me in this life: as if he owned me and would never, ever let me go. I woke up with that kiss and its energy still with me like a blessing.

The Descent of Inanna leaves out a crucial part of the story: Inanna's ascent.

Yes, we know she is brought back to life, rises out of the underworld, forbids the demons to take those who love her. . .

But what of all she left behind at the gates? Nothing is said of the crown of the steppes, the breastplate called Come Man Come, the lapis beads. . .

During my first initiation with Ereshkigal, She told me that I had been in a descent for a very long time -- longer than this lifetime. It's time to ascend. It was a wonderful message, a message of hope.

But more complicated than I had realized at first.

One who has been deep in the underworld has been stripped of everything: powers, associations, names. . . As I grope for my tools, my energy, my focus, my faith in myself, I suddenly wonder if part of my task right now is consciously discovering and reclaiming things that have been lost.

Anubis suggested to me a couple of days ago that a soul retrieval might be in order. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I have skills. I have desires. I remain mired in obstacles I start to grasp but which strip away without being overcome.

Have I typed this before? Or did I only dream it?

What am I missing?
What do I need to reclaim. . . or claim. . . or create?

Yesterday was the first day for me to have "normal" energy since my ordination on February 14th, when I received a direct download of energy from Ereshkigal and Inanna. That's definitely the longest "high" I've ever experienced. During the last few weeks I've felt like a rock star: energy pumping all the time -- especially erotic energy, and feeling people responding to me in new and more intense ways, knowing my life was feeling different because I was having a steady stream of "drugs" pumping through my system all the time.

During this time I tried very hard to do good discernment, to know when to try to be careful and set good boundaries and keep expectations aligned and realistic -- but also to deeply engage this gift and explore it, but it was tough because this experience was entirely unprecedented for me.

The energy finally ebbed away yesterday, leaving me -- and a couple of folks who had been touched by these energies -- in an awkward place. Those relationships are slowly being recalibrated, but it's been more hurtful for others than I would have wanted. And I have to figure out what I want as well.

Boundary issues are coming up for me all over the place. My teacher pointed out that as I change and my work changes the kinds of boundaries I need to set will also change. I hadn't thought of that. (Hooray for teachers!)

Yesterday I was feeling okay except for the stress of the relationship transitions. Today I'm feeling the energy change. I'm very tired and feeling a bit numb. Which is okay; that's a normal after-effect for a high. But it's going to make it a bit more challenging to engage the way I need to.

Has it been barely six weeks since I told Ereshkigal "Yes, even though it's hard I will release [this attachment] and open myself to something new?" Since then, things have roared into a higher level of intensity. Into the space left by that preoccupation, that desperate clinging, has come a renewal of something I had thought lost forever: the feeling passion permeating my daily life. When I was with LM and Michael I loved deeply and experienced intense passion, but the passion was focused on them, and despite my intense feelings it was often difficult to ignite into full flame without very direct encouragement. These days, I feel raw erotic energy coursing through my body all the time: Inanna's blessing, emerging from the sacrifice demanded by Ereshkigal.

Five weeks ago, I made a hesitant, shy offer to an online friend -- the Scottish Gentleman -- to engage with me in a chat-based erotic encounter, an experiment to find out if it was possible for me to take the erotic tendrils I was feeling and use them to engage with another person. That experiment succeeded beyond either of our wildest expectations, and I have found myself with a virtual lover whose erotic energy -- expressed in sweet, powerful, passionate words -- as well as his forthright companionship, open mind, and engaging sense of humor, has opened me to the entirely unexpected prospect of being able to fall in love again.

( That alone would have been enough, but it was only the beginning. )

One "tradition" of the sacred prostitute places significant importance on the supposed (not attested) practice of a virgin having sex for the first time in the temple with a stranger.

Yesterday I had my first erotic exchange with someone new since LM's death. It was a distinctly initiatory experience, a rite of passage marking the end of one phase of my mourning and my renewed willingness to be open to these energies. I'm quite sure the impulse came directly from Inanna.

I had approached a long-time reader of my sex blog with an invitation to write a collaborative, first-person scene with me. It wasn't just a creative project; I brought my intimate self to the encounter, and knew he would as well. We created a scenario that put some distance between our personnas, because I needed to be able to engage the erotic without needing to make a personal relationship commitment. I created a scenario that resonated with the truth of my history and emotional state without replicating it.

Our characters met as strangers, and while within the scene I offered my name, he declined to give his. Instead, he wrote this:

"Call me what you will; it doesn't change what I am. In this place, at this time," I say slowly, a spark in my eyes betraying the weight of the repeated phrase, our bodies drawing closer together with each beat of our hearts. "I am he who offers you a chance at healing; I am he who has been entrusted with your care."

I don't think he had any idea of the archetype of the sacred stranger. He had no idea that by typing those words he helped to make what felt at the beginning like a tremendously risky experiment a truly sacred and healing experience. I had known that he understood and took quite seriously the trust I had placed in him and what this encounter meant to me. I didn't expect him to express it so distinctly and movingly -- and with such sacredness -- within the scene itself.

In the end, instead of feeling like I was a hierodule, I felt that I had been blessed by an encounter with one. It was he who mediated the healing of the Divine into my heart and soul.

Last night was. . . intense.

I had a dream that was so unlike anything I've ever experienced before that I'm still a bit shaken. I'm not trying to be a tease, but I'm not sure if I'm going to discuss it here even after I talk about it with my teacher, but I will say that something big happened. And I wasn't sure if it was a blessing or a nightmare. I'm feeling okay this morning, so I'm tending toward the former, but last night was extremely uncomfortable.


A couple of other folks on this friends list also seemed to have intense evenings. Is something going around?


ETA: Got confirmation that all is well. But my head still feels all stretchy. I'm having a heck of a time keeping my mind focused here at work.

Who am I kidding? I'm not at all focused on my job at the moment. Nor am I likely to be so for the rest of the day. Fortunately, I have a very low-activity schedule today.

Yikes.

It's very difficult to describe how I was feeling in those last few days before the initiation itself. I wasn't worried or scared -- but I was acutely aware that something momentous was about to happen, and that it was probably going to be very challenging. My teacher was allowed to tell me very little about what to expect. I was told there would be a descent, and that I would have to face myself. I was told to bring a black robe, a six-foot long cord which I would be bound with, and a blindfold. I knew that Ereshkigal would be participating.

The descent was what monopolized my imagination. What would I be asked to sacrifice -- even temporarily? How low -- or deep -- would I be asked to go? How hard would it be, and would I have sufficient courage to meet the challenges? I took comfort in my memories of past descent experiences (formal and informal) and memories of intense, spiritual bdsm scenes with LM and Michael. I didn't know if this descent would be anything like the latter, but it was good to remember that when in the right headspace I could go very deep endure a great deal. Then I tried to let go of all expectation because I really had no idea what was going to happen.

The morning of the ritual itself, I made sure that I had everything I needed in my carry-on bag: robe, cord, blindfold, dagger, and chain necklace -- then drove over to my teacher's house.

After all the anticipation of the two or more months leading up to the event, the final preparations went very quickly -- although not without a surprise or two. First we made sure that everything that needed to go upstairs to her temple room was in the carry-on. It was a good thing she went through it with me, because I hadn't realized that the hunting knife was supposed to go up as well as the dagger. At first I thought I was going to have to drive back to the hotel and get it, but then I realized that at some point during the past day or so I had put it in my very large purse -- not something I usually do -- and then forgotten about it. Then I almost left the cord and the blindfold in the bag when both were supposed to be on me.

I put my robe on, knotted the cord as a belt, and then my teacher blindfolded me. She led me to the foot of the stairs, and I sat there while she went up to open the temple.

( A Binding Choice )

This morning I formally gave my pledge to Ereshkigal that I would serve Her for the rest of this lifetime.

I've never made such a promise to anyone before.

This evening I'm wearing a necklace that I made today to honor Her and commemorate my initiation.

I'll share more details after I get home.