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qosIt's very difficult to describe how I was feeling in those last few days before the initiation itself. I wasn't worried or scared -- but I was acutely aware that something momentous was about to happen, and that it was probably going to be very challenging. My teacher was allowed to tell me very little about what to expect. I was told there would be a descent, and that I would have to face myself. I was told to bring a black robe, a six-foot long cord which I would be bound with, and a blindfold. I knew that Ereshkigal would be participating.
The descent was what monopolized my imagination. What would I be asked to sacrifice -- even temporarily? How low -- or deep -- would I be asked to go? How hard would it be, and would I have sufficient courage to meet the challenges? I took comfort in my memories of past descent experiences (formal and informal) and memories of intense, spiritual bdsm scenes with LM and Michael. I didn't know if this descent would be anything like the latter, but it was good to remember that when in the right headspace I could go very deep endure a great deal. Then I tried to let go of all expectation because I really had no idea what was going to happen.
The morning of the ritual itself, I made sure that I had everything I needed in my carry-on bag: robe, cord, blindfold, dagger, and chain necklace -- then drove over to my teacher's house.
After all the anticipation of the two or more months leading up to the event, the final preparations went very quickly -- although not without a surprise or two. First we made sure that everything that needed to go upstairs to her temple room was in the carry-on. It was a good thing she went through it with me, because I hadn't realized that the hunting knife was supposed to go up as well as the dagger. At first I thought I was going to have to drive back to the hotel and get it, but then I realized that at some point during the past day or so I had put it in my very large purse -- not something I usually do -- and then forgotten about it. Then I almost left the cord and the blindfold in the bag when both were supposed to be on me.
I put my robe on, knotted the cord as a belt, and then my teacher blindfolded me. She led me to the foot of the stairs, and I sat there while she went up to open the temple.
That took a while, but not so long as to make me restless. I could hear everything, even if I couldn't understand a lot of it. Mostly I tried to remain relaxed and focused, eventually taking the Egyptian king position: back straight, knees together, hands flat on my thighs.
After that, very aware of sitting there blindfolded, poised between 'here' and 'there' I suddenly started thinking of the Two of Swords card. I almost crossed my hands across my chest to mimic the position of the figure from the Robin Wood deck, but instead kept them on my thighs. But the image persisted.
As the ritual continued above, I suddenly perceived a deity standing between me and the rest of the house. I realized that the temple had been extended to include me, and he was guarding me and that entrance. I perceived him very clearly, and he was an intimidating figure. I felt grateful that I'd worked with him previously, since otherwise I might have been extremely unnerved.
What happened between those perceptions and the mid-point of the ritual I need to keep secret. There were questions, challenges, and tests, none of which I found at all difficult. The words that kept coming up inside of me were How else should it be? or What else would I do? There was a sense that I was in exactly the right place, doing what I had always been intended to do.
After the tests, the bonds and blindfold were removed. I looked at the altar for the first time and saw both my blades, unsheathed, and the chain necklace draped across their tips.
My teacher went around to the other side of the altar and spoke for Ereshkigal. To the best of my remembrance, she said: You came here expecting to go through a Descent -- but in fact you have spent the last two thousand years in a descent. This is where you start to come up again.
It was so startling and so overwhelmingly powerful that I got tears in my eyes.
You have passed the first two tests, but now you face the hardest tests of all. If you go forward, you must be ready to take complete responsibility for yourself. [. . .] You can not depend on others, but must take full sovereignty of your own life. She told me that it was necessary, because if I did not grow in strength and sovereignty, I could be broken by the path. You will not have to do this all at once, but you must commit to taking this responsibility. Are you willing to promise that?
As She spoke, I was very aware that this was something I had already been working on and committed to. It was easy to say, "I am."
Then She told me that if I chose to go forward from here serving Her, I would have to swear to do so for the rest of my life. The time for wandering is over. If you go forward from here, you will not be able to leave the path. You may try to turn aside, but the path will not release you. Again there was the warning that I could be broken if I failed to keep this promise: not as a punishment, but as a karmic consequence of the action -- or lack of action.
I don't think I was as sobered by this commitment as I should have been. All I could think of was This is what I've been moving toward all my life. I thought of the power of the story of the Descent in my past, of the sense of alignment and rightness as I've worked with my teacher. I didn't think of LM in those moments, but if I had I certainly would not have hesitated. This work leads to him, brings me closer to him.
In retrospect, I might have asked for more details about what the path would involve, what specific things Ereshkigal would ask of me, whether or not there would be room for discussion later about the form my responsibilities would take. None of it occurred to me then. I'd like to think my quick answer was based on trust grounded in the experience of the past year, but I can't even claim that. All I know is that it felt right, that to say anything else would leave me with deep regrets.
She told me to step toward the altar and take up the blade which represented my choice: the blade of the wandering path (the dagger), or the blade of the Underworld (the hunting knife). I thought to myself that I had always preferred the heavier, sharper, more serious blade. It is well, Ereshkigal said. Then put on the chain necklace again, knowing as you do that on some level you will never remove it again.
I set the knife down and picked up the necklace and put it on. It felt heavier than before, even more significant as a symbol of my commitment to Her. Later, my teacher told me that she had felt energy transferred when I did this. Usually an initiation involves the blessing and laying on of hands by the initiating priest/ess, but for me the transmission of power came through the necklace, directly from Ereshkigal.
I was told to take hands with my priest across the altar. I couldn't quite 'see' LM, but I had the sense of him in shining white cloth with shining gold trim, with his hair and beard thick and golden. As I felt our hands join I started to cry.
There was a little bit more, then my teacher closed the temple and it was over.
It was only afterward that I realized that I had experienced the Two of Swords within the initiation itself, that I had 'held' two blades and had been required to make a binding choice.
Making the beaded necklace that afternoon seemed to help 'set' the initiation. In ways I didn't fully realize at the time, I was combining the energies of Ereshkigal, myself, and LM in a concrete token of what had occurred.
The descent was what monopolized my imagination. What would I be asked to sacrifice -- even temporarily? How low -- or deep -- would I be asked to go? How hard would it be, and would I have sufficient courage to meet the challenges? I took comfort in my memories of past descent experiences (formal and informal) and memories of intense, spiritual bdsm scenes with LM and Michael. I didn't know if this descent would be anything like the latter, but it was good to remember that when in the right headspace I could go very deep endure a great deal. Then I tried to let go of all expectation because I really had no idea what was going to happen.
The morning of the ritual itself, I made sure that I had everything I needed in my carry-on bag: robe, cord, blindfold, dagger, and chain necklace -- then drove over to my teacher's house.
After all the anticipation of the two or more months leading up to the event, the final preparations went very quickly -- although not without a surprise or two. First we made sure that everything that needed to go upstairs to her temple room was in the carry-on. It was a good thing she went through it with me, because I hadn't realized that the hunting knife was supposed to go up as well as the dagger. At first I thought I was going to have to drive back to the hotel and get it, but then I realized that at some point during the past day or so I had put it in my very large purse -- not something I usually do -- and then forgotten about it. Then I almost left the cord and the blindfold in the bag when both were supposed to be on me.
I put my robe on, knotted the cord as a belt, and then my teacher blindfolded me. She led me to the foot of the stairs, and I sat there while she went up to open the temple.
That took a while, but not so long as to make me restless. I could hear everything, even if I couldn't understand a lot of it. Mostly I tried to remain relaxed and focused, eventually taking the Egyptian king position: back straight, knees together, hands flat on my thighs.
After that, very aware of sitting there blindfolded, poised between 'here' and 'there' I suddenly started thinking of the Two of Swords card. I almost crossed my hands across my chest to mimic the position of the figure from the Robin Wood deck, but instead kept them on my thighs. But the image persisted.
As the ritual continued above, I suddenly perceived a deity standing between me and the rest of the house. I realized that the temple had been extended to include me, and he was guarding me and that entrance. I perceived him very clearly, and he was an intimidating figure. I felt grateful that I'd worked with him previously, since otherwise I might have been extremely unnerved.
What happened between those perceptions and the mid-point of the ritual I need to keep secret. There were questions, challenges, and tests, none of which I found at all difficult. The words that kept coming up inside of me were How else should it be? or What else would I do? There was a sense that I was in exactly the right place, doing what I had always been intended to do.
After the tests, the bonds and blindfold were removed. I looked at the altar for the first time and saw both my blades, unsheathed, and the chain necklace draped across their tips.
My teacher went around to the other side of the altar and spoke for Ereshkigal. To the best of my remembrance, she said: You came here expecting to go through a Descent -- but in fact you have spent the last two thousand years in a descent. This is where you start to come up again.
It was so startling and so overwhelmingly powerful that I got tears in my eyes.
You have passed the first two tests, but now you face the hardest tests of all. If you go forward, you must be ready to take complete responsibility for yourself. [. . .] You can not depend on others, but must take full sovereignty of your own life. She told me that it was necessary, because if I did not grow in strength and sovereignty, I could be broken by the path. You will not have to do this all at once, but you must commit to taking this responsibility. Are you willing to promise that?
As She spoke, I was very aware that this was something I had already been working on and committed to. It was easy to say, "I am."
Then She told me that if I chose to go forward from here serving Her, I would have to swear to do so for the rest of my life. The time for wandering is over. If you go forward from here, you will not be able to leave the path. You may try to turn aside, but the path will not release you. Again there was the warning that I could be broken if I failed to keep this promise: not as a punishment, but as a karmic consequence of the action -- or lack of action.
I don't think I was as sobered by this commitment as I should have been. All I could think of was This is what I've been moving toward all my life. I thought of the power of the story of the Descent in my past, of the sense of alignment and rightness as I've worked with my teacher. I didn't think of LM in those moments, but if I had I certainly would not have hesitated. This work leads to him, brings me closer to him.
In retrospect, I might have asked for more details about what the path would involve, what specific things Ereshkigal would ask of me, whether or not there would be room for discussion later about the form my responsibilities would take. None of it occurred to me then. I'd like to think my quick answer was based on trust grounded in the experience of the past year, but I can't even claim that. All I know is that it felt right, that to say anything else would leave me with deep regrets.
She told me to step toward the altar and take up the blade which represented my choice: the blade of the wandering path (the dagger), or the blade of the Underworld (the hunting knife). I thought to myself that I had always preferred the heavier, sharper, more serious blade. It is well, Ereshkigal said. Then put on the chain necklace again, knowing as you do that on some level you will never remove it again.
I set the knife down and picked up the necklace and put it on. It felt heavier than before, even more significant as a symbol of my commitment to Her. Later, my teacher told me that she had felt energy transferred when I did this. Usually an initiation involves the blessing and laying on of hands by the initiating priest/ess, but for me the transmission of power came through the necklace, directly from Ereshkigal.
I was told to take hands with my priest across the altar. I couldn't quite 'see' LM, but I had the sense of him in shining white cloth with shining gold trim, with his hair and beard thick and golden. As I felt our hands join I started to cry.
There was a little bit more, then my teacher closed the temple and it was over.
It was only afterward that I realized that I had experienced the Two of Swords within the initiation itself, that I had 'held' two blades and had been required to make a binding choice.
Making the beaded necklace that afternoon seemed to help 'set' the initiation. In ways I didn't fully realize at the time, I was combining the energies of Ereshkigal, myself, and LM in a concrete token of what had occurred.
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(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-27 03:52 am (UTC)Blessed Be!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-27 04:08 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-28 05:15 pm (UTC)I know what you mean, when the choices aren't even really choices but simply what you know you were always meant to do. It is still important to choose, though, to declare that before your gods. I am so excited for you, for what lies beyond this point, when you stop wandering and now are fully committed to this path. I did something similar with my spiritwork two years ago, and am still being blown away by the intensity that has come with that choice.
What a wonderful blessing, to have this initiation, to have such a great teacher to guide you through it, to have the path before you.