Queen of Swords

Hi everyone -- I'm back!

I've been missing the experience of community I had back in the heyday of LiveJournal, and realized the only way to re-connect to is to start putting myself back out here. The general flight from FB, as well as ongoing loneliness and a need to start recovering depth in my sharing, have motivated me to start making personal blogging a habit again.

Last year was a huge one for me, involving multiple significant firsts: stage managing for a community theater for the first time (and getting paid for it -- even if it was just a $500 honorarium), taking the solo road trip from Seattle to Los Angeles and back that I've been dreaming about since 1977, getting involved with the Linking Your Thinking community (more on that later), and moving from the Seattle area (where I've been since 1988) fifty miles south to an area I've been driving past all my life but never explored.

The move was because my daughter -- the being formerly known as Wolfling in my LJ posts -- is now 29 years old and has started a career as a funeral director. We've been living together the past few years and when she got her first professional job I had the option of finding a new place by myself (completely doable) or moving with her and continuing to enjoy the company and mutual support. I decided to move with her, and have been glad I did. We have a significantly larger apartment for $400 a month less rent, overall lower cost of living, and less-densely urbanized neighborhood. I was very sorry to move away from the theater I'd connected with, but there are other community theater groups nearby.

There's also a fencing school only ten minutes away, and I took an intro class two weeks ago. I'm going to start going there regularly in February. There's also a very nice massage place nearby and between our lower rent and a "competitive scale" salary increase last month I can afford a membership there and get regular massages.

Three years ago I finally got a day job that's not being an admin and that helped my overall mental health a lot. I'm working for the same org that I've been with since 2010 (although we got acquired four or five years ago), but now I'm in a position that combines editing, process documentation, knowledge management, and communications, so I'm able to bring some of my favorite skills to work. I have a very sweet boss and a great group of co-workers. I work for a national function now; my boss lives in southern California and my teammates are scattered across the country, so I get to work from home, which I love.

So overall my personal material situation is good. But I'm still struggling to recover the spiritual practices and depth, as well as creative wellspring, that more than a dozen years of depression following Uncrowned_King's death wrenched from me. Those years were not entirely arid. I did accomplish some wonderful things, but I'm not living as deep a life as I want to.

I don't usually choose themes for my years, but this year is a Strength year according to Mary Greer's tarot year card numerology system, and I really like the idea of adopting the harmonization of primal instinct and higher functions, intellect and passion, and the other symbolism of the card. I also like the idea of focusing on the more ordinary meanings of strength: potency, capacity, etc. Being depressed is exhausting, and I developed a mental habit of "I can't" because I simply didn't have the spoons. I'm still working on convincing myself that I can.

My other word is Passion. Uncrowned_King took most of my passion with him when he passed, and I'm still working on getting back my creative and spiritual fires. My physical ones too. . . At age 60 there are some physical shifts that I can't ignore (although an estrogen patch has been a great help), and I'm trying to explore how much of my lack of physical desire is connected to age, how much to U_C, and how much just to not having met anyone who excites me in a very long time.

Looks like there was an interview with someone else yesterday. . . half an hour by phone. 

I'm still thinking I have an inside track for this.
I've got an hour with the hiring manager and the director.

I'm way behind on DW - both posting and reading. Tomorrow (May 2) I head out for my vacation, and expect to do a great deal of writing, some of which will end up as posts when I return. There's no internet, cable, or cell phone coverage where I'm going, so there will be no intrusion on my time of reflection. 

I'm going to sleep, walk, meditate, do a lot of writing, and maybe some beading. I have a couple of necklaces and prayer bead projects I've been wanting to work on, but have not been able to settle down enough to concentrate on over the past few weeks. Recently I purchased beautiful pendants of Odin and Frigga (one for each) which I want to use for prayer beads, and some gorgeous lapis and amethyst which need to made into a necklace, probably with small hematite spacers.

Still no word on the possible writing job. 

An actual Seattle Snowpocalypse is expected to hit today shortly after noon, with perhaps up to 9" of snow in some places. Again, the existence of numerous microclimates around the Puget Sound means every weather forecast gets a Your Mileage May Vary disclaimer. My work colleague and I were going to be at the office until the first flakes hit Mt. Vernon (40 or so miles north of us), but I've got a serious sore throat, so I'm working from home this morning and will for the duration. 

I brought FoxGirl home with me last night so we can ride it through together. And if the power goes out, I'll have someone to snuggle with under the covers. 

If we *do* lose power, we will need to head somewhere else as soon as the roads are safe, because I live in an apartment and don't have a fireplace. Fortunately her dad's house (the duplex we once shared after our separation) has never lost power in the almost twenty years its been in the family, so we could take refuge there, and my mom and aunt live about ten miles away (on the east side of Lake Washington). I'm not terribly worried, since I haven't lost power here before, but this is the biggest weather event we've had since I've moved in, and there are high winds forecast along with the snow.

Most of all, I'm grateful that I'm a salaried worker and that I can do my job offsite. Unlike a lot of people, I won't need to burn vacation time or take a pay hit if I can't make it into the office.

I had my second belly dance class this evening.

As I may have mentioned before, dance does not come easily to me -- and this evening I started to figure out why.

I've been focused so much on "doing it right" that I lost track of the fact that I was supposed to be dancing. The moves became much easier when I stopped being quite so grimly concentrated and focused more on enjoying the movement.

Don't get me wrong: my abdominals still aren't quite sure what it is I'm asking them to do half the time, and my feet aren't used to half-steps and half-turns, but I can imagine a time in the not-too-distant future when the techniques will start to sink in.

This class feels a lot friendlier than the one I took thirteen years ago. The previous class was an ongoing one, whereas this one is a six-week "Basics" course. There are a lot of experienced dancers in the group, but I don't constantly feel like I'm being left behind. The women are more welcoming than the other group was too, although still a bit cliquish. But I really like the instructor.

This last week has been challenging. Last Thursday I left work early because I was having a bad mental health day, and I took the next day off. Then the smoke rolled in, and that was stressful. On top of that, I've been doing User Acceptance Testing at work, and while I'm excited about the tool, the test was not set up well. It's confusing and frustrating -- the more so because of how important it is. (It's a national project.) It would have been very easy to stay home from class tonight, but after class I felt better than I have since last Thursday. My whole body has gotten a relatively gentle workout, my lower back feels much freer, and I'm in a much better head space.

I need a new dancing icon. I found some good images, but don't have the time to crop and adjust this evening. . .

ETA: The only problem is that now it's late evening and I'm very, very hungry!

The retreat this past weekend was an extremely benficial experience for me. Yesterday afternoon I posted to Facebook: "Today -- three years, six months, and two weeks after uncrowned_king's death -- I find myself finally giving myself permission to truly be happy again."

I did a lot of journaling over the weekend; it was the primary activity of the retreat. I wanted to dig down as far as I could to get in touch with what was important, what I've lost track of over the past several years.

What I found was something I have known for quite a while -- even blogged about here -- but had not been ready to face up to or change: that I dislike the shape my life has taken, and it's more than grief that's caused it. I've become so caught up in duty that I've lost my joy. I've become one of "those" women: the ones who are so busy caring for others and being "good mothers" and "good daughters" that they've stopped truly nurturing themselves. I didn't used to be like that.

I think the change began with my marriage. I should never have married my Ex -- not because he was a bad person, but because we were a bad match, and in marrying him I bowed to convention and ignored the small voices that told me it was a bad idea. I have no idea what my life would have looked like if I'd been true to myself at that juncture; maybe I would have made some other big mistake -- but looking back, that was the first step on the slippery slope of self-betrayal.

Now that Wolfling is a teen she needs less constant attention. She still needs me, and I'm happy to be here for her, but she needs space as well as support. It's time for me to be more deliberate and conscious about taking quality time for myself, not just frittering away the hours when I'm not "on duty."

The other thing I did on the island was a ritual affirming that spirituality, not conventional career, is the focus of my life, releasing the last bits of guilt and shame over not having a professional career. In this, I have followed my heart, and it's time to stop feeling shame about the consequences. I still would like a job that's more satisfying and pays better, but that's simply a matter of wanting to enjoy my daily life more. It's not because I'll feel bad about myself if I don't claw my way out of the admin corps again.

When I started this journal, I was in seminary, I was creative, I was growing. I miss that woman. I can't be her again, but I want to be as vital as she was again. I want to have an interesting, fun life. I want to enjoy my life again. And the only way for that to happen is to allow some very deep changes to occur.

I spent a lot of time watching the tides shift this weekend. I've certainly seen it before, but this weekend it seemed especially miraculous. My tides have been out for a long time. It's time for fullness again.

I've had a fairly serious addiction to Diet Coke -- caffeinated in the morning, decaf after 3pm -- for a number of years now. It's pretty much all I've been drinking, aside from a very small bit of water. Not healthy, I know, but I told myself that it was a minor vice, hitting my wallet more than anything. I was vaguely aware of reports about how unhealthy it was, but with the degree of grief and stress in my life I didn't care. What I was aware of was the psychological and oral comfort I got from consuming it, and I embraced it, given how little pleasure and comfort there's been in my life overall.

Then, sometime earlier this week, lovetakesyouin posted a link on Facebook to an article about the evils of aspartame.

Since then, my consumption of Diet Coke has gone from "way too much" to less than a can in the morning and less than one mini bottle during the course of the work day, and I'm working my way to "none at all." I'd already quadrupled (at least) my water intake, and that's been helping minimize the withdrawal symptoms. Actually, I've been surprised by how mild they've been.

I've picked up a case of Diet Rite, which I don't like nearly as well (too sweet for me) but it provides the bubbly sensation I like. (I have yet to meet a sparkling water that I like.)

It's been interesting to observe my own process with this. I'd certainly been aware of the dangers of aspartame previously -- and Wolfling, armed with her health class knowledge had been gently pestering me about it during the school year -- but I simply wasn't ready to release this crutch before. I'm taking it as a mark of the quiet but real improvement in the rest of my life: employed again in a non-stressful workplace, major progress on my big writing project, my grief pretty much over (I realized the other night that I no longer feel achingly aware of uncrowned_king's absence in bed next to me every night), and my not-as-frequent-as-they-should-be-but-overall-consistent qabalistic meditations which have been focusing on Malkuth (the Sphere of physical life) for the past couple of months.

It's not something I've done by suddenly developing stronger willpower, it's something that's become possible as I've healed emotionally and found healthier ways of making myself feel good. As I think about it, it's a very potent sign of how far I've come in the past few months. There's still a lot I want to change in my life, but I am much more stable and rooted than I have been.

Since starting my temp job approximately three weeks ago, I have gained 4.5 pounds.
This is after maintaining a stable weight for three months.

I'm not 'upset' at myself, more disappointed. I could feel myself sliding back into bad old habits: drive through for breakfast because I'm sleepy and rushed in the morning, buying junk food chocolate the other day because I had cravings, not getting as much movement in my day because of the schedule and style of the job. . . I'm just glad it's not worse: that I *have* packed my own lunch all but two days and have been eating reasonably well there.

I haven't been to Nia for a couple of months. Time to go back tonight, even if I'm tired.
I think one of the biggest challenges of exercise is to maintain the counter-intuitive awareness that (in most circumstances) exercise like Nia will make me feel *better* when I'm finished, even if I feel tired at the beginning of the class.

Nia is perfect for this time, because it stretches out my entire body and it emphasizes pleasure, not pushing through pain. I definitely need much more stretching *and* pleasure in my life right now.

In counterpoint to the physical backsliding, I continue to make progress spiritually, despite the fact that my daily practices have been minimal most days. I keep having small but potent realizations that I think I'm doing a good job integrating and holding on to. I did do a full cycle last night, and it felt almost effortless. I'm hoping that a breakthrough I thought I experienced just before I started the temp job really was as significant as I'd hoped.

It's 5:09am. . . I need to shower and figure out what to do for breakfast before I leave at 5:30am for my 6:00am clock-punch.

I've accepted a through-the-first-of-the-year contract position as an open issue follow-up specialist for a local game company.

The call center is about fifteen minutes away from my house, and it will give me a chance to further develop the skills I that served me in my call quality position at FormerMyCo.

I'm a bit nervous about making the commitment, but since no one has been calling me for job interviews, I consider the risks to be minimal.

I really enjoyed the environment of the call center: geek central. It's a blue jeans work environment too, which is great.

Hopefully it will be both fun and satisfying.

At 11:30 today I will be having a one-hour meeting with the CEO of a major local employer. It's not for a particular job, but in response to my dad showing him my resume. However, CEO's do not carve an hour out of the middle of their day if they are not intrigued. He could have given me half an hour, or offered to pass it on to his recruiting manager, or whatever.

I've been studying up on the company, and had dinner with Dad last night to test drive the questions I've come up with. I have a new outfit and a recent haircut.

It may not lead anywhere. It may be the boost I need to get my foot in the door.

Fortunately, the research I've done on this company has made me authentically excited about the prospect of working there. They've been doing some important things to innovate and shift paradigms in their industry, and it would be exciting to be part of that ongoing innovation.

So if you pray, chant, light candles, or importune the higher powers in any other way, please put in a good word for me today! I'd like to favorably impress him as someone he would like to have on his team, and inspire him to recommend me to the appropriate people on his staff to help me get hired.



Yes, I am still working on my spiritual direction practice, but it seems unlikely it will generate enough income in the near term to for rent, groceries, clothing, and healthcare for me, let alone for me and Wolfling. Therefore, I need to step up my job search activities.