Queen of Swords

My decision to take the retreat which I posted about yesterday is part of a sudden burst of energy to start practicing a higher level of self-care. 

I realized within the last day or two that I am suffering even more than I had realized from lack of touch. The only touch I get is when my adult daughter comes over and we snuggle on the couch while we read or watch tv together. It's lovely, and I'm grateful my daughter still wants that, but it's not the same as adult companion touch, even non-sexual.

I've also realized that I really, really want to be pampered and soak up the attention along with the touch. I am so depleted I don't feel capable of equal sharing. It's probably one reason my erotic energy is so low: I don't feel like I have any resources from which to give.

And it's challenging and complicated to get non-sexual touch as an adult. Seattle has cuddle parties, but I don't feel like going to an event like that. I Googled "sensual massage" and everything that comes up is advertisements by sex workers for male clients. I wish our culture allowed sexual and sensual services to be open and regulated, and that more were available for women.

So. . .  I tried other google combinations and ended up finding a male massage therapist whose website indicates a very thoughtful approach and training in energy work. I have an appointment with him tomorrow. I have a female friend (originally made on LJ) who is a massage therapist, and I'm in the process of scheduling a housecall from her. AND I reached out on FetLife to a single guy I've known for several years, who is a couple of decades younger than I am, who I saw was a member of a couple of cuddle groups. I invited him to an evening of non-sexual cuddling and movies ("Netflix and chill" in the current parlance -- but actually chilling) -- and he's responded enthusiastically, and told me he was honored that I would reach out to him. 

[I just realized that I'm having someone come over this Sunday morning and take away my much-loved (and slightly famous) purple comfy couch. It's over 15 years old and has become very worn. The fabric has pulled away from the back of the seat. The arms are sagging (from when Wolfling kept standing on them, despite my ongoing orders not to). I have a new couch coming next week, and need to make room for it. So no couch cuddling at my place for at least another week or so.]

It feels good to name and act on my needs like this. I've always thought I did a good job at self care, but the quality of that self care has declined a lot over the years. I have needed to move from self-numbing to actual pleasure and authentic relaxation. It's taken a long time discern what that looks like at this stage of my life.

Of course I really miss L&L's presences. LB was particularly good at massages with energy components. I've never known anyone better. LM (Lohain) was good, but didn't have that same talent. LM was good for deeply grounded relaxing-into-his-arms and feeling sheltered from the world. 

I realize that I haven't felt sheltered or protected since his death.
No wonder I feel so depleted.

Congratulations and best wishes to _storyteller_ and unicorndelamer, on their engagement!


For all that I'm a die-hard romantic, I can also be rather cynical about marriage -- but if ever two people belonged together these two do. I wish them every happiness.

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In my experience, the most important quality of a significant other is his ability to make it safe for me to be utterly open and honest, and then to accept, embrace, and love all of what I have revealed of myself.

In contrast, I keenly remember a moment during my courtship with my now-ex husband. I had confessed a rather shameful secret to him, and he had listened with acceptance and forgiveness (even though the transgression had not been against him). It was such a relief to be able to tell this sordid truth and not be rejected, and I thought I could tell this man anything and he'd forgive me.

And that was true.

I realized far too late that "accepting and forgiving" is not the same "accepting and loving."

My sweet husband who could forgive anything could not accept and love certain parts of myself that were necessary for me to thrive.

It was Lohain and Lee who showed me just how liberating -- how intoxicating -- it is to be loved in every dark and secret corner of myself. That is a gift I will always cherish, a revelation and a realization that sets the standard for my expectations of all relationships going forward.

1. Being able to come home early without penalty.

2. _storyteller_ remembering my birthday even though he's in a war zone, and sending me a Massage Envy gift certificate.

3. Groceries in the pantry before the snow hits.

4. Abovementioned groceries include brownie mix, something I don't usually indulge in.

5. My fireplace heater, comfy blankets, and lots of DVD's.

6. Pending Special Announcement about a project that I'm really excited about.
(Look for it later this weekend.)

7. Absolutely everything in the Mate Meme in my last post.

The good:

Happy happy birthday to two very special women: oakmouse and mam_adar!! May the coming year bring many blessings to you both!!


The bad:

I am still sick, sick enough to cancel my afternoon get-together with _storyteller_.

And my car still isn't out of the shop.

And I won't be able to go up to my sister's house this evening and get the next two seasons of Bones.


Blech.

I'm 43 years old today.
It's the first time in my life that I feel nothing about my birthday. Usually I'm happy, want to celebrate -- either alone or with others. This year, it's hard to care. The only thing I feel is a sense of sadness at my own sense of apathy.

( This becomes just a bit too depressing not to put behind a cut. It's not about how old I am. I couldn't care less about my age. )

_storyteller_ is not going back to active duty!

Sometimes beauracracy and loopholes are A Good Thing.

Tonight I finally got into the pool with my daughter -- and with _storyteller_ and my Ex-Husband. We had a great time. I haven't been immersed in a body of water since kateri_thinks and I played in the Gulf of Mexico more than a year ago. The two men kept launching the Daughter into the air and making her go splash -- to her great delight. I did some modest diving from the side of the pool, something I haven't done in I-can't-remember-how-long.

The pool trip was after we had dinner (hamburgers, which _storyteller_ cooked, chips, cantalope), and the Ex presented the Daughter with the new laptop which was her gift from the two of us and my parents for her elementary school graduation.

The water was wonderful. So was the shower afterward.

Then there was another hour or so of amiable conversation over pie, and then I pointed out to the gentlemen that it was getting late. _storyteller_ graciously carried three boxes of books up to my bedroom before departing, and the Ex gathered up the computer boxes to leave in the recycling on his way out.

Now the Daughter is playing chess against her computer, and I am preparing to luxuriate on MY NEW BED!! (Photos will be posted tomorrow.)

At work today the Boss gathered one of his direct reports and the hired-gun project manager and me into his office for a brief and to the point conversation: [QoS] is to be the project manager on this initiative. Not a supporter. Not job shadowing. She is the One.

And the other two said, "Absolutely! Great idea! See ya, QoS, we're going off to have a drink."

Actually, he had already discussed this with the others, and this was the formal making-sure-we're-all-on-the-same-page meeting, since there had been some misunderstanding in the past. And truthfully, I've been given a great message of support: that they all have confidence in my ability to handle this and they are all more than ready to help me as I take a very big step forward and up in my skills development.

So it's been a great day.

_storyteller_ and I are no longer romantic partners.

On Sunday night we had the most gentle and amicable Talk that I've ever had, and the resolution was that we agreed to find a new form of relationship to express the caring we have for each other. We're not quite sure what the name of that relationship is, but it is no longer the one we've had for the past year.

Of course, if that relationship had still been what it once was, the Talk would not have taken place. As in many cases, it was not a "decision" as much as an acknowledgement of what was already happening.

Part of me wants to try to explain, because I am certain that only those closest to us had any idea this was even a possibility. I want to describe what factors were involved, and why, but I'm not going to. The simplest explanation does neither of us justice, and the complex one. . . well, that's not going to happen.

Does it hurt? Terribly.
Going from having an intense three-way partnership to having no partner at all, in the space of less than three weeks, is bloody awful. I ache for the loss of what _storyteller_ and I once shared. I ache for the part I played in its passing. And I ache for the fact that uncrowned_king is no longer here to support and advise and comfort us both.


I hurt like hell. . . but I do not regret one precious, gorgeous, joyous moment of it.