Birthday

[qos]

I'm 43 years old today.
It's the first time in my life that I feel nothing about my birthday. Usually I'm happy, want to celebrate -- either alone or with others. This year, it's hard to care. The only thing I feel is a sense of sadness at my own sense of apathy.



Maybe there have been just too many overwhelming passages in my life during the last year or so for this one-of-many-natal-days to have much significance in the larger scheme of things.

Maybe it's because I haven't really felt like celebrating holidays since uncrowned_king's death.

Yesterday I tried to remember how I celebrated last year. I could remember Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day. . . . but I had to look up my birthday on LJ. Last year, we had a huge rainstorm. I left work early and then spent the evening waterproofing my basement as water rose out of the drain. I was tromping around the backyard in my hiking boots and jacket, feeling strong and competent, taking on the storm and doing well. _storyteller_ came over, helped me get the pump working, and took the lead in securing a plastic tarp over the lower part of my door in case the power went out and the pump stopped working. We made fajitas for dinner. The next day my office was closed due to lack of power, and the day after that was the infamous waiting-outside-the-wrong-door-at-6am-to-try-to-buy-a-Wii adventure (also with _storyteller_), followed by watching the LOTR trilogy at my parents house on their widescreen HD TV, and enjoying a prime rib dinner cooked by my parents.

I hate feeling like uncrowned_king's death -- and my loss of both him and _storyteller_ as partners -- has left me with a What's-the-Point? feeling about celebrations. All the rest of my life I've been able to happily celebrate anything, at the drop of a hat, whether I had a partner or not.

I want to enjoy today.
It feels like just another day.
I don't want it to be like that.

I hate feeling like there's a huge void in my life, but I do.
There's a void, and it swallows up all kinds of possibilities for joy.
Not all of them, but enough to leave me aching when I could be laughing.

Comments

[qos.livejournal.com]

*hugs
Thank you so much for the affirmations.
I really need them today.

[coen.livejournal.com]

It seems a bit unapropiate to congratulate you under the current circumstances. But since you say you want to enjoy today, and you don't want it to be like any other day, I am going to congratulate you.


I wish you many returns of the day, and hopefully in happier circumstances than today.

I'll be 42 in two months, and though I often feel old, people keep telling me that I am not old. And i know they are right. So you are not old either.
There's still many years to go, in which a lot of good things may happen.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the good wishes.

[makhsihed.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Congratulations on another year - I hope you find at least some joy today, in its cracks and corners.

(My gods, I feel young. D: I'm just under half your age. I turned 22 the day after Thanksgiving.)

Warmth to you.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the good wishes and the warmth.

It's damn scary how much younger some of you whippersnappers are. ;-)

I appreciate your friendship across all the different aspects of my life.

[amqu.livejournal.com]

I'm not much of a celebrator. For one, I never got in the habit even with religious observances in my youth since I was raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses and we've just got the one celebration, and secondly, it's just not in my makeup.

Because I never pay attention to my birthday, I lost track one year in my mid-twenties and spent almost the entire year thinking I was a year older than I actually was. I was 26 for close to two years. I've gone a week past my birthday before I realized it.

This leads me to believe we have a basic difference in opinion in how we look at the world and the passage of time. Yours is a series of paths full of portentous symbols marking important milestones, and you have lots and lots of milestones. Mine is an open plain dotted here and there with interesting outcroppings that barely orient me.

Maybe Lohain's death has made you temporarily dissatisfied with the path. I think you're basically pissed off because his death was the greatest milestone in the past year for you and you are not ready to give it the metaphorical symbol and march on with life. Don't rush it. Wander around in the field or sit and stew on the path for a while. It's nobody's business but your own.

Is metaphorical symbol redundant?

[qos.livejournal.com]

I think you're basically pissed off because his death was the greatest milestone in the past year for you and you are not ready to give it the metaphorical symbol and march on with life.

Yes, that sums it up pretty well.

The differences in the way people perceive time are one of the fascinating and subtle ways religion makes itself felt in peoples' lives. I really hadn't thought about my own sense of it for a while. Yet again, you've inspired me to take a closer look at something.

I continue to appreciate your friendship.

[queenofhalves]

*hughug*

[grailquestion.livejournal.com]

*hug*

I'm sorry I was so overwhelmed with work that I missed offering support on the actual day. But please, you have my number and my email if you need a shoulder.

[qos.livejournal.com]

*hugs

Thank you.