Queen of Swords

I have it on good authority that I kiss better now than I did twenty-eight years ago.

Nice to know the practice has paid off. ;-)

Here's a poll-type question (which I also just submitted for the Writer's Block feature):

What kind of partner did you imagine having when you were growing up?

If you're still looking, do you want or expect to find a person with those characteristics?

If you are partnered, does your current reality match your youthful fantasies? How do you feel about that?


I'm screening responses. Let me know if its okay to unscreen yours, otherwise I'll leave it secret.

From a friend's locked post, where it seems to be causing significant controversy:

An article from The Atlantic on divorce and the author's suggestions for alternatives to traditional marriage: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200907/divorce

My friend wrote that everyone on her F-list seems to hate it.

Personally, I liked it. But then, I'm a die-hard romantic who has a very cynical attitude toward traditional marriage.

I recognized more than a few elements of my own former marriage in the article, plus those of a couple of friends.

Marriage is an idealistic institution which I think most people would really like to have unfold as per our cultural dreams. The reality, however, seems to fall short far too often. Promising to stay together "until death do us part" sets us up for failure in a world where we live far longer than our even recent ancestors, with far more complex lives.

Personally, I think that there need to be more socially-acceptable ways for people to pair up -- or triad or group up -- to create domestic/sexual/parenting alliances. It will make life a lot easier for a lot of us, including kids.

My biggest twitch with the article was her dismissal of "open marriage" as a failed idea which most people find "icky." In fact, more and more people are embracing polyamory as a healthy way of acknowledging that long-term monogamy is not always the best relationship model for all people. It's not for everyone, but neither is monogamy.

At it's core, marriage is a very private and personal institution. No one can truly understand the full dynamics of someone else's marriage. I would never try to prescribe what marriage "should" be for everyone. What I advocate for is opening up our cultural sensibilities to allow for more legitimate options in the area of personal unions and family-making.

A friend sent me this yesterday:

Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Love is the roots that grow towards each other underground, slowly and determined. And when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, you find you are no longer two, but one. One root, One tree, One Love.

- By Louis de Bernieres, from Captain Corelli's Mandolin

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In my experience, the most important quality of a significant other is his ability to make it safe for me to be utterly open and honest, and then to accept, embrace, and love all of what I have revealed of myself.

In contrast, I keenly remember a moment during my courtship with my now-ex husband. I had confessed a rather shameful secret to him, and he had listened with acceptance and forgiveness (even though the transgression had not been against him). It was such a relief to be able to tell this sordid truth and not be rejected, and I thought I could tell this man anything and he'd forgive me.

And that was true.

I realized far too late that "accepting and forgiving" is not the same "accepting and loving."

My sweet husband who could forgive anything could not accept and love certain parts of myself that were necessary for me to thrive.

It was Lohain and Lee who showed me just how liberating -- how intoxicating -- it is to be loved in every dark and secret corner of myself. That is a gift I will always cherish, a revelation and a realization that sets the standard for my expectations of all relationships going forward.

1a A great review with my boss yesterday.
1b A nice bonus coming on Friday.

2. Having enough income last year from Lamp/Mirror and Spiritual Direction to have to file a business tax return. (Didn't make enough to owe anything.)

3. Lunch with kateri_thinks today.

4. Good conversations with Wolfling

5. Re-reading American Gods and enjoying it much more the second time.

6. Crushing happily on someone who uses words like "beguiling" to describe me.


The last is also a bit unnerving, I must admit -- but I'm keeping it light, and he lives seven time zones away from me, so I'm simply enjoying our exchanges as a gentle way to open myself to erotic/romantic energy again. There should be a post in the relatively near future about my personal history with and reflections on polyamory.

Someone asked

I know you are hoping to date and fall in love again. what can you tell me about what you are seeking from a potential partner?

When I read this, my first thought was You're mistaken. I never said that.
The thought of loving anyone else, being partnered with anyone else, feels like profound infidelity.

And yet, I can easily imagine I did write that, or something close to it, at some point over the past year and a half.

The fact is, I'm back where I was three or four years ago: I'm not looking for anyone, but I'm aware that the universe can throw some amazing curve balls. uncrowned_king is still deep in my heart, still a living reality for me, and I simply can not imagine giving my heart to anyone else. But I've learned to never say never.

I start to try to imagine "what I would look for in a potential partner" and everything leads right back to uncrowned_king. I can't imagine sharing with someone else what is so deeply associated with him: a spiritual connection, a temperment that complements mine, a friend who sees and loves every part of me, someone who enjoys similar activities but who broadens my world with new interests. . . someone I feel safe with, who I believe will stand beside me and protect me -- and let me protect him when appropriate.

I want a warrior-king who honors and cherishes, delights in and lusts after his queen-priestess.

I'm not sure how many of those there are in this world.

Or if I have room for another one in my heart if I do find one.

1. I am fortunate enough to have several ex-boyfriends/lovers as good friends.

2. Personal inventory processing continues. Good stuff coming up. This weekend will be focused on framework and prioritization of fundamentals and goals.

3. Motherhood = leadership.
It's not only equal to leadership, but a lot of the principles of leadership apply, especially that of leading by example.

4. I use approximately 20% of my brain at work and still garner lots and lots of praise. This scares me.

5. I need to make social plans with friends at least twice a month. It's scary that I've been doing so much less for so long.

6. I have a couple of essays/reflections to type up and share.

7. I love LOL's. They keep me sane at work. (See #4 above.) I know I just posted one yesterday, but that was mostly for someone else. This one is for me, in fond memory of Steve Irwin:





8. Learning from my own mistakes is good. Learnig from the mistakes of others is even better. In the latest case, it prevented me from striking out in pain at someone else. Instead of assuming that the silence was all about me, and a rejection of me, I asked what was going on his the other person's life that interrupted our conversation. Guess what? It had nothing to do with me.

9. Lots of intense, meaningful dreams in the last few days, death and bears featuring most significantly.

Also: this image, which pretty much sums up my last week. . . .

The elementary school play wasn't so bad last night. It helped a lot that it was held in a multipurpose room and I got the seat in the back corner next to the window so I could read and not be obnoxious about it for the time before the show and then an hour or more into it. Then I could read my gadget without casting the light onto other peope. But I *did* pay some attention, and thought the kids did a great job. They're very poised and articulate at that school. There was a long series of dancing flowers, and each dance was from a different culture, so that was cool. Some of the costumes were amazing. My Wolfling was very proud, and rightly so.

Yesterday afternoon I still hadn't heard back about my interview, so I emailed the recruiter saying The hiring manager told me last Thursday that she'd get back to us by the first of this week. It's Thursday and I haven't heard anything. Can you give me a status report? She wrote back with a surprised apology, saying that she hadn't heard anything either! And since it's the recruiter who actually creates the offer letter, this means that I was wrong in my guess that they were already negotiating with someone else. So that possibility remains open.

I'll be going on the award trip to Florida alone. I invited four different people, each of whom had a good reason to decline, and refrained from inviting a few other folks who I like but don't think I'm up to spending four days in a hotel with.

Going through this process was emotionally intense, since it raised a lot of grief issues around the loss of both the love relationships I was involved with at this time last year -- and especially because I first said "I love you" to one of them the night before the first of these trips two years ago. That whole trip became a celebration of coming back to life emotionally, and I will always be grateful to kateri_thinks for her companionship and graceful spiritual direction during that time.

Eventually I have been able to center on the fact that I am an introvert, and there are worse things than having a luxury hotel suite to myself for a few days. I'm approaching it in the spirit of retreat. There will be corporate things to do: a for-form's-sake "business meeting" that will be a bit of rah-rah, a couple of organized activities which will be fun, but a lot of free time to myself. I expect to take advantage of the latter.

It's Friday. Wolfling's dad will be picking her up before I get home from work, and I'm looking forward to a productive weekend of doing my taxes, doing some ritual experimentation and spiritual studies, continuing the process of sorting my files (I finally found and figured out what to do with my various filing furniture), and generally getting things in order.

Have a good day, everyone!

According to one stream of Grail lore, there was a certain point at which the Quest could not go forward unless the Grail Knight asked the Wounded King What ails thee? Some knights failed at this point because they were too "polite" to make such a personal inquiry of their host, who had a wound which crippled him and never healed. Others failed because they simply didn't care. Daring deeds are great -- but compassionate interest is essential.

This morning, I am going to suggest that there is a similar rule where friendships are concerned. Once again, I've found myself smacked in the face by a pattern that's been repeating itself in my life recently, and having it happen with someone new helps to highlight what's been going on elsewhere.

The issue is that of asking questions: curious, caring, interested questions.

I recently drew a line with someone who used to be a very good friend because I realized that not only was I always the first to email or call, his return emails had stopped including any inquiries about me, my life, my well-being. He never so much as asked, "How are you?" much less made specific inquiries into areas of my life which he knew were important to me. I care deeply about this person, but over time have become convinced that he doesn't care for me --not in a meaningful way. He certainly doesn't seem to take any active interest in me or my life.

Last night I was disturbed to see the same pattern with someone else. We had at least four or five different email streams going. When I finished all of his latest replies last night, I realized that none of them included questions to me about either those topics or new ones. Had we just talked everything out? Maybe -- but there was no invitation on his part to continue the conversation in any way. No curiosity expressed about me. As I look back through the past emails, I see this is actually the way his emails have been all along. I was the one whose questions prolonged the conversation. As with the other friend, he was happy to answer questions, to talk about himself, but never got around to inviting me to share more, or to dig deeper into my life and thoughts in any way.

These two people happen to be male, but I'm not going to put this down to male-ness. Two of my best correspondents are also male, and are very good about asking about me -- sometimes just dropping a line to say "I haven't heard from you in a while. How are you?"

I was taught that at the very least it's good conversational manners to ask questions that invite the other person to share and contribute. When the other person is supposed to be a friend, it becomes an expression of caring. A question doesn't have to be a lead-in to an intense personal discussion or philosophical debate. It's the simple expression of interest that maintains connection: How are you doing? Anything new going on in your life? How is your special interest activity going?

Now that this pattern has been highlighted, I'm going to be even more aware of how often *I* express active concern about and interest in the lives of those I say I care about.

ETA I think it's important to point out that the relationships I cite above are primarily long-distance ones. If we saw each other more often, they might be able to express caring in other ways. That said, I still think that actively expressing interest in the other person and inviting him/her to share is a critically important expressing of caring.