Crawling Back

[qos]

One of my primary reasons for returning to blogging is that I became very isolated over the past decade-plus. Having depression, raising a child with ADHD and anxiety as essentially a single parent, and working a full-time job used up all my spoons. I didn't have the energy to invest in my friendships and so of course most of them petered out over time. 

It wasn't all relentlessly bad, and I did have some good experiences and bits of community, but overall it left me feeling as if my social skills and my ability to communicate in general have seriously deteriorated. Equally frustrating, although I certainly had some intellectual and spiritual pursuits during this time (including earning a second masters degree and editing and publishing a book), over the past few years I've felt my ability to think ebbing away -- largely because of addictions (and I use the word deliberately) to simplistic, repetive computer games. 

One of my greatest hopes for returning to blogging on this platform is that it will help me engage in more meaningful conversations with others on topics that are important to me -- and/or just plain fun: polytheistic spirituality, theology, the Grail Quest, magic, sexuality, fandoms, movies, reading, writing, activism, and etc. 

I keep hearing myself re-telling the story of how hard things have been and I know I have to stop it. It's truthful, but re-telling the story as my present reality limits me, traps me within a self-image I don't want to retain. At the same time, my current sense of self is a bit wobbly. 

But I am taking action. Among other things, I am: starting fencing classes, reaching out to local community theater groups to become involved as a stage manager, participating in the Linking Your Thinking Community to support my ongoing personal learning projects, doing a self-directed dive into the runes, and reaching out to the friends I'm now geographically closer to because of my recent move. (In fact, I'm having dinner with one of them, who also happens to be an Alexandrian high priestess, in a little while.) 

I'm also working on creating a memory book of the epic Seattle to Los Angeles and back solo road trip I did this past summer, fulfilling a dream I've had since 1977. I kept a record of the trip with a combination of handwritten entries in a lovely leather-bound journal I bought for the occasion and the daily 750 Words entries I made online. I've copied the online entries into a Word document and am in the process of transcribing the handwritten entries. I have photos, stickers, and other tokens to combine into a single volume, as well as the insights about the magical-spiritual-psychological impacts of the trip that only emerged in the weeks after. I had intended to finish it by the end of the year, but the move disrupted everything. 

I've always been someone who's had multiple projects going at once, but I've also been someone who hasn't been very good at finishing something without outside pressure. I'm experimenting with not starting any other project on my rather long list until this one is finished.

Comments

[neptunesdolphins]

I can relate. I have a TBI and found I was using all my time and brain on silly computer games. I had to go cold turkey and find other ways to relax the brain.

Writing has been helpful to me.

[qos]

I'm sorry to hear about your TBI.

Writing has been very helpful for me as well - and it's one of the reasons I'm blogging again. I used to write all the time, and I was unhappy to realize that playing computer games had taken the place of writing as a way to relax and to cultivate my inner life and creativity.

[http://lotuslandfineart.com/velvetrope/]

I'm excited about the fencing lessons!!! I want to hear all about it.

[qos]

I'll definitely post about it!