Queen of Swords

Yesterday I took a major step and signed up for long term care insurance. At 54 I feel young and vital, but the older I get - and the more I have contact with elderly people who need such care - the more I've been realizing that I need to do this. My mom did a lot to take care of my dad before they had to get extra help, and two of their parents were directedly cared for and financially supported for years by them and their siblings. . . but I am unmarried and never want to overburden my only child.

I was stunned to discover that women can be assessed premiums of up to 30% more than men because we are likely to live longer. I got to avoid that because of a special short term deal my employer has set up with a major provider.

It's a sobering step, but I'm glad I've done it.

Today may be the first day since LM's death that I feel gratitude for being alive.

Over the past few weeks I've been reconnecting with my erotic nature, and it's been extremely nurturing to me. Add to that my intellectual pursuits, greater satisfaction at work, a resurgence in my creativity, and it's as if the shattered, scattered pieces of myself are being drawn back together. Instead of feeling empty, lonely, lost, overwhelmed, I feel depth, power, harmonious complexity, and solidity.

My gratitude came from having been able to reach this point. If I had died when LM had, I would have left this world being far less than I have become over years since. It's not about power or greatness, but about fulfilling the promise of myself, a promise that would have been only partially realized if I had passed with him. I want to grow and become all that I can before I pass over, learn all that I can, work off all the karma I can, provide whatever help and support to others that I can, before I pass beyond the veil and have to give an accounting of myself and the gifts I have been given. Before LM and I face together what comes next. I want to bring him -- and leave behind in this world - the richest Me that I can.

I feel myself becoming, in actuality, the person I have dreamed and groped toward being -- someone I caught glimpses of, had intuitions of, but could not have forseen.

I was sitting in front of my altar a little while ago, as all this welled up within me, and I bowed my head before Odin and thanked him for all that has been happening since He came into my life. He lifted my chin so we were looking at each other, and said, "We have work for you to do."

I was excited and honored to be interviewed by Galina Krasskova about Queen of the Great Below!


Click here for the interview.

Several of the people who have commented said that this was the first time that they had ever heard of Ereshkigal. It's so gratifying to know that I am helping to introduce Her to moderns!

My teacher gave me my second degree initiation and ordination at Pantheacon 2009. The next time I went to the vendor's room, I purchased a ring to wear every day as a symbol of my oaths. It fit on the middle finger of my right hand and felt very comfortable there.

Approximately two months ago, that ring started irritating my skin -- so much so that I could not wear it without intense discomfort. I laid it on my altar and then realized I should leave it off until after my re-dedication with Ereshkigal at the next new moon. After the ritual I put the ring on again, but within a couple of weeks the irritation returned, and its something that lingers even if I have not worn the ring for several days. I finally accepted that the energies it's charged with are not compatible with my new phase of training and development.

During this same time, on the advice of my teacher, I've been listening to Dolores Ashcroft-Nowicki's CD series "Your Unseen Power" -- which is a somewhat sensationalist title for very down-to-earth training in ritual magic. She talks about the traditional tools of the magician, and one of these is the ring, which has a gemstone in it and is worn on the index finger of the right hand. Gradually I came to accept that I needed to get this kind of ring.

I found it today, almost by accident. It's very different from my first ring: a very different stone color, a very different style -- and it definitely fits with the new energies in my life. The other difference is that I am not going to wear it all the time. In this tradition, putting on the ring is part of what triggers the magical personality and the shift of consciousness involved in magical work, something that I'm finally starting to work on.

My hand feels naked without my first ring. I have to keep reminding myself that I have not abandoned the symbol or the commitment; I'm adapting to a new way of working with that tool.

This evening I watched a DVD of Diane Wolkstein doing a dramatic performance of her version of The Descent of Inanna.

The DVD actually included most of the texts from her book, Inanna: Queen of Heaven and Earth, but "Descent" was my focus. It wasn't until Inanna began the actual entry to the underworld that I finally figured out what had been nagging at me throughout the performance: the formality of it.

Wolkstein is quite aware that her texts are poetry that follow a particular form, and her performance is correspondingly constrained. She moves about the stage gracefully, but it's the grace of a ritualist. It's the grace of a Queen of Swords.

And that's not what Inanna is like -- not the Inanna I know, anyway.

Inanna is passionate, brash, arrogant, reckless -- and none of those qualities were present in the serene figure Wolkstein presented. Her declaration of intent to visit The Great Below was announced with calm detachment, not eager adventure. The instructions to Ninshubur regarding how to rescue her were solidly reasonable, not an almost off-hand thought. The passage through the seven gates, a process during which Inanna is methodically stripped of power, of pride, of confidence, was rushed through, with dimming lights signaling the exterior change but nothing of the interior one.

Wolkstein's serene, reserved formality reminded me of the studious formality of an earnest novice Performing Shakespeare without understanding or communicating the rough vitality that underscores the archaic language loaded with centuries of baggage.

At the same time. . . it did me a great deal of good to watch the performance and listen to the words and be reminded of the many reasons why I felt close to Inanna for as long as I did. Ereshkigal herself has called me "Inanna's get". I partake of her passions. I partake of her association with sovereignty and kingmaking. And long before I was taken in as Ereshkigal's bitch and priestess, I, like Inanna, willfully pushed my way through the gates of the underworld, allowing much of what was most precious to me to be stripped from me and ultimately needing rescue to ascend again.

I found a piece of myself this evening. Not just in the performance, but in the company of the man who shared the DVD with me. The evening ended with a delightful, passionate, healing exchange of fierce kisses and caresses. . . something which has been long absent in my life.

It did feel strange to be kissing someone besides LM, but it also felt right and good. This is part of me. The passion is part of me. It probably would have happened whatever we had watched this evening. . . but there is something ritually appropriate about this.

Hmmm. . . The last time something like this happened was after my second degree initiation at Pantheacon last year, when my "sacred stranger" helped me ground and seal those energies. Interesting that this is happening almost exactly a year later, after a ritual involving Inanna and Ereshkigal.

I don't want to type any details right now. . . but after the post I made an hour or so ago, I went into my room and settled into some deep meditation, starting by following Ereshkigal's directive from the vigil to "release your preconceived notions."

I think I've found the key to the bindings and resistance I've been feeling about my magical studies. And it's the last thing I would ever have imagined.

I need to sleep on it, to test out how things go tomorrow. . . But right now energy is flowing and tingling through me. It truly does feel as if a key has been turned in a lock, and what was closed is now open.

I hope so!

The last few weeks have been very eventful.

First, a several-day visit with my teacher involved work to remove blockages and activate energy centers. As usual, it didn't feel like much was happening at the time of the work, but the subsequent days and weeks were. . . eventful.

Michael being home on a leave of absence from his deployment gave me the opportunity to spend some solid time with him, both alone and with others, and gave me the opportunity to do what feels like close to the last bits of processing I've needed to do around fully releasing my romantic attachment to him.

As part of that process, I realized that it was not appropriate for him to accompany me to get my piercing, as we had originally planned. It was not coincidental that he came to the same conclusion (albeit for different reasons) at the same time.

I've been attending the Solider's Heart book group, which has been going very well. It's good to finally be doing something actively constructive around my desire to help veterans.

During the time Michael was in town, I went to a bondage workshop with a friend. It was fun, low-key, and gave me the opportunity to remember that the sex positive community center is a friendly place to be. If I'd had my toybag with me, my friend and I might have remained for the play party that followed, but that didn't happen. I resolved to go to another party asap.

Last Wednesday I got my clitoral hood pierced as an act of devotion to Ereshkigal and LM, with multiple layers of meaning. I still need to write about that here.

Two days after that, I went by myself to a bondage/bdsm party at the center and ended up doing a scene with someone new for the first time since LM's death. (I'd done a few scenes with Michael before our final break-up.) The experience was affirming and cathartic, and I need to write about it more here.

So a lot has been happening in my relationship/erotic-spiritual dimension, and that's good, and I'm certain that it has a lot to do with the work my teacher and I did. At the same time, my practical daily life has been stalled out. I haven't been doing business development for my spiritual direction practice. I haven't been doing more than the minimum on my daily practices. I haven't been meditating. I haven't been exercising since it started raining. Lee Harrington's "Sacred Kink" class has been in progress for two weeks, and I haven't even visited the site.

Having my kid at home for summer vacation doesn't help, but I can't let that become an obstacle.

This morning as I'm typing I'm realizing how stale and close my living space feels right now. We keep the balcony door open all day, so it's not that there hasn't been fresh air, but there hasn't been a lot of other movement in the house. I/we need to do some tidying up, moving around, getting the space and ourselves invigorated again. It feels like it would be all too easy to slip into a semi-comatose state and just dream away the days.

A couple of months ago I created a morning ritual that involved writing on paper, getting a good breakfast, spiritual practice, exercise. . . I need to pull that document out again. When I was doing it, it gave me a gentle but thorough solid start to my day, and set me up to be happily productive.

This is the downside to not having a day job: the lack of externally imposed discipline -- and as I typed that, I could see Ereshkigal's edged, knowing smile. You think this time of unemployment is only about creating new ways to generate income? She asks.

Always more lessons.
Always more growth to achieve.

That's a good thing.

Yesterday morning I was reflecting on archetypes – specifically on the archetypes I use to define myself – and realized that I had passed over into a new sense of self-understanding without being aware of the moment of transition.

Ever since adolescence, my primary identity archetype has been “Journeyer.” I have defined myself as someone who traveled from one place to another in search of knowledge, understanding of the “Other,” and the ability to translate between peoples who have different frames of reference. I have seldom been able to remain with any one community for more than a few years, being far too aware of all the richness that lies outside the borders.

Yesterday morning I realized that Journeyer no longer communicates my fundamental sense of identity.

First and foremost, I am a Priestess.

I am a woman who has sworn an oath to serve a particular deity, and that oath and that service have an impact on everything else in my life.

During my initiation I was asked to choose between two knives that had been placed on the altar. One was the blade that represented committing to Ereshkigal and the Underworld Path, one represented what She called “the wandering path.” I chose the blade of commitment.

I suppose that on some level the transition from Journeyer to Priestess occurred at that moment. But it’s taken more than six months for the reality and the transformation to work its way into my life, into my consciousness, into my self awareness.

I am other things too, of course. But somewhere along the way, the Priestess element has become primary. I am a Priestess who is a mother. I am a Priestess who is a wife. I am a Priestess who is a writer, a spiritual director, and other, less formal things.

I am not a perfect Priestess. But that’s where I start. It’s who I am.

Thanks to upasaka for posting.

( This victory alone is not the change we seek. It is only the chance for us to make that change. )

Two nights ago I had a dream which powerfully challenged my strong identification with the Queen of Swords.

The next morning I found a gorgeous new image of the Queen of Swords -- and then realized with a shock that she was not the image of who I want to be.

By noon, I'd done some serious soul-searching and journaling, and had changed the name, default userpic, and layout of my primary journal -- all of which had been the same since October 2003 when I first created it.

This morning I posted about realizing that the change would also include discarding quite a few of the 100+ userpics I've made and/or collected over the years, to make room for the new images that my new path/identity/growth calls for. I comforted myself with the image of Inanna leaving her regalia behind her on the ground of the Underworld as she progressed through yet another gate.

Since adolescence I've collected names, archetypes, titles which speak to me of myself. There have been some significant changes over the years, but those changes have been few. Right now I feel the trappings of my most recent self turning brittle and crumbling on the edges, starting to flake away -- or let loose like an iceberg.

I'm sitting at my desk at work, have opened my notebook and started writing the names and roles and titles that have the most meaning and urgency for me right now. It's a short list:

- Ereshkigal's Bitch
- Feral
- Underworld Priestess
- Janet Munin

Do I know this woman? Is this who I see when I look in the mirror?
Do I understand her gifts? Do I know what she's capable of?

Not yet.

There is more to me than what is expressed in this short list, but these aspects are where the energy is right now. These are the parts of myself I need to know and own and act from if I'm going to progress at this time.