Queen of Swords

I had a fantastic, quiet, deeply healing, rich time on my retreat.

Once I closed the door on Thursday afternoon, I didn't leave the house again until Sunday morning when it was time to go. . . but the cabin had those huge, gorgeous windows and places to open windows to let fresh air in. . .   I did a lot of reading and writing and thinking and praying and processing.

Being away from the internet was wonderful. I did miss being able to reach out and connect with people, but it was blissful to not have any contact with the news or current events. 

I keep connecting more and more deeply with Odin. He helped me center myself more in my current purposes, prioritize the huge amount of projects I want to work on, and generally help me feel even more like myself. I had also taken Monday off as a settling-back-in/reintegration day, and was able to complete a project step I've been flinching away from for almost a year now -- which is huge. I feel more confident, more capable, and again. . . more me. Which is wonderful. More details perhaps to follow. 

I feel like I've been circling Odin for the past few years. Twice I've experienced Him striding into my consciousness (years ago), but He's never pushed or claimed in the potent way many have described. I have a statue of Him in my shrine, and I know I've been in touch with Him multiple times, including getting some very clear messages in the past few months. But I still didn't feel really connected to Him.

Two days ago I started reading Wayland Skallagrimsson's "Odin's Way in the Modern World."

Yesterday I read a passage that made me strongly suspect The Old Man has been part of my life for much, much, much longer than I'd ever suspected.

Then I started getting mental impressions of a puzzle piece joining His image and mine together. 
Which is indeed a "connection."

I'm still processing all this.

I'm both delighted and off balance.

I've been instructed by my mortal mentors (my priestess teacher and my new polytheistic spiritual director) that I need to be concentrating on basic practices right now, especially centering/grounding/cleansing, and (from my priestess teacher) at least weekly meditation starting with four-fold breathing. I've always been lousy at this -- or, more accurately, highly resistant.

I've also been slipping back into compulsive computer gaming -- not complex, creative, strategic games, but mindless solitaire games with pretty lights. This is not good.

( The background from last night. )

This morning, when I sat down before my altar, the first thing I noticed was the drink offering to Tiwaz which had been sitting there for a couple of days. In the past, I'd let these sit from Tuesday to Tuesday, but I've recently read about letting it sit for 24 hours and then removing it, which made sense. As I moved the stale drink off the altar, I heard Tiwaz say that I should refresh it. That made sense, so I did.

As I went to the refrigerator, Odin said He wanted a drink offering as well, although He didn't specify what He wanted.

I still wasn't completely awake -- and, honestly, His tone didn't sound serious as much as poking. While I would hesitate to describe the All-Father as sounding "bratty" there was a kind of "Pay attention to me too!" tone in his voice that seemed strange. Please, just let me get this straight, and I'll talk to you about what You need, I begged.

I gave the fresh drink offering to Tiwaz and my attention was then directed to the dust on my altar. I sit there every day, but my housekeeping is not the best. Dust should not be allowed to gather on the altar! Odin chided. Okay, I'll clean it later today, I replied, and tried to settle into my usual devotions -- but He kept complaining about the dust, again in an almost whiny way.

I started thinking WTF? This is not how He usually behaves or sounds!
In the past, when He has wanted me to do something He tells me straight, like a boss or father. He doesn't sound petulant and nag.

It felt like I was being poked and shoved and harrassed. I was off-balance and doubting my inner hearing, but at the same time believing very strongly that I was indeed hearing Odin.

So I said, Give me just a minute, please -- and I collected myself and started doing four-fold breath.

As I centered and felt more calm, I could practically see Him nodding. This is what you're supposed to be doing, He said. This is what you need to do when emotions come up that you know you need to face, but are afraid to. This is what you need to do when you know you need to shut down your computer and tend to your Work. This is what will keep you centered and on course -- not just when you 'do your practices' but any time you feel yourself out of balance.

He had the grace to sound more approving than smug -- although there was certaainly a twinkle in his eye at the way I had so neatly fallen into His set up to learn the day's lesson.

Today may be the first day since LM's death that I feel gratitude for being alive.

Over the past few weeks I've been reconnecting with my erotic nature, and it's been extremely nurturing to me. Add to that my intellectual pursuits, greater satisfaction at work, a resurgence in my creativity, and it's as if the shattered, scattered pieces of myself are being drawn back together. Instead of feeling empty, lonely, lost, overwhelmed, I feel depth, power, harmonious complexity, and solidity.

My gratitude came from having been able to reach this point. If I had died when LM had, I would have left this world being far less than I have become over years since. It's not about power or greatness, but about fulfilling the promise of myself, a promise that would have been only partially realized if I had passed with him. I want to grow and become all that I can before I pass over, learn all that I can, work off all the karma I can, provide whatever help and support to others that I can, before I pass beyond the veil and have to give an accounting of myself and the gifts I have been given. Before LM and I face together what comes next. I want to bring him -- and leave behind in this world - the richest Me that I can.

I feel myself becoming, in actuality, the person I have dreamed and groped toward being -- someone I caught glimpses of, had intuitions of, but could not have forseen.

I was sitting in front of my altar a little while ago, as all this welled up within me, and I bowed my head before Odin and thanked him for all that has been happening since He came into my life. He lifted my chin so we were looking at each other, and said, "We have work for you to do."

From Odin this morning:

Before anything else: your gods, your husband, your daughter, your ancestors.


I need to connect and center on what's most important, what's foundational, for me before I reach out and start connecting with others through my internet communities -- which is the backward way I've been acting for the past several years.

Also: now that I'm in a place where I'm no longer starved for energy and emotional stability, it's time for me to start finding out what the gods would like from me in the way of devotional practices and offerings.

Connecting with my ancestors is a whole new area of my spiritual life, and it's progressing slowly -- but it is progressing. I've found a place for an ancestor altar, and I'm starting to trace back my family tree -- which is surprisingly easy, given a good genealogy program attached to one of the major genealogy websites. It turns out a lot of my extended family has done a lot of research and made it available to share. I'm starting to learn about where I came from.

My mom has just put a lot of effort into make a whole series of family scrapbooks, and I'm going to find out what I can about my ancestors through those -- and hopefully get some scans of the photos. I also have living extended family in the region who might be able to share photos and stories with me.