Bad Brain Day

Dec. 12th, 2019 10:34 am
qos: (Alcohol and Gun)
I've tipped into a depressive episode. It's been coming on for a few days, and I'm assuming it's because of the combination of ongoing achiness from my extraction, my daughter's stress and pain over her new orthodontic appliance (which she got last Tuesday, the day after my extraction), the pile of stuff in the living room, and the untidiness of my bedroom. It doesn't help that yesterday I received a highly unusual reprimand at work, one which I deserved, and my supervisor followed up with an email this morning. I would like to take a mental health day from work, which my closest colleague would support, but we're going to be short-handed so I wouldn't feel right about it.

My 55th birthday is this Saturday. My mom is meeting Foxgirl and I for brunch at my closest favorite restaurant. I would *like* to drive 30 miles down the freeway to my favorite steak house, but that would be a logistical challenge given my mom's more limited driving comfort. Plus, I don't think my mouth is up to steak yet.

That evening FG and a close friend (met on LJ) are going to carpool to "The After Party," a death-related gala. It should be fun, but it's a gift to my daughter, not something I'm doing for myself for my birthday.

It's one of those days when I want to crawl into a hole and pull a blanket up over my head, but I can't because I have to be a damn adult.
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Spiritual Rehab

Feb. 18th, 2019 09:02 am
qos: (Odin with Raven)
The most difficult, most frustrating pattern in my life right now is my avoidance of things I truly want to do.

I have been ascribing this pattern to the combination of a decade of depression and an almost equal time of being stuck in day jobs which frustrated me and kept my focus on non-creative, boring, and/or aggravating tasks. While I actually did accomplish a great deal during those years (significant spiritual education and initiations, earning a Masters degree, publishing a book, and etc.) a lot of time was spent sunk into self-numbing activities because I hurt so very much. 

Since my healings at the beginning of the year that pain is gone, and I have mental and physical energy I'd been lacking for a long time. But it's been proving very difficult to move forward, despite a list of projects I am truly excited about. I still come home from work and get lost in solitaire games or social media scrolling or other mindless distractions.

But this morning Odin gave me a new, very helpful perspective: I should look at this particular stage of my life as rehab time. I may have finally been healed from the damage I took (and, to be honest, made worse) from LM's death, but that doesn't mean I'm back to my full capacity. It doesn't mean my maladaptive coping mechanisms, the avoidance, the self-numbing, the fear of pain from engagement, aren't still part of my psyche.

"You need rehab time," He told me. "The wounds are healed, but your systems are not yet back at 100%. You can't go from struggling to perfectly functional so quickly." [Insert image of warrior with a scarred leg needing to exercise it slowly before he's back in fighting shape.] 

My psyche is still in the habit of feeling wounded and compromised, and so the projects I want to engage with feel overwhelming -- frighteningly so. Pretending otherwise doesn't help. Wanting to do them doesn't make them less scary to the part of me which has been so very, very tired and sad for so long. It hasn't had time to fully realize that those chronic conditions have been healed.

Giving myself permission to go slowly, and to treat myself gently while pursuing my goals, feels very, very helpful and reassuring this morning.
  • Current Mood: thoughtful
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