Queen of Swords

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When I was in high school, I was distressed by the fact that my more political friends seemed to me to too easily dismiss and/or condemn those who held opposing political views. I thought it was possible to still be friends with someone whose politics were different and agree to disagree.

But over the past few years I've come to the opinion that political views are an expression of a person's entire values system -- and if our political views are contrary there's probably going to be a limit to the degree that we're going to be compatible in a lot of other areas as well.

The ability to be friends with someone of an opposing political view has a lot has to do with that person's attitude as well. Are they willing to respect my beliefs and positions, even if we disagree? If they don't, then I'm not going to hold up my side of the relationship unilterally. Assuming, of course, that we've found enough common ground in the first place to make a friendship even a possibility.

A few specific personal examples come to mind. . .

My long-time gaming group consisted of six to eight people who held very different political and religious beliefs, but we managed to stay friends because we kept both politics and religion out of our interactions. We understood that we had different beliefs and didn't make an issue of them. If someone was deeply engaged in their spiritual life, we were supportive without arguing theology.

The conservative guy who was one of Wolfling's unofficial godparents is a friend I'm losing over politics. Ten years ago, we could talk politics and religion, disagree, but still have a good conversation and be friends. But as time has passed he's become more conservative (religiously as well as politically) and correspondingly more judgmental and dismissive of liberals -- and I've become more political in a liberal direction. I've found we have less and less in common, and I enjoy his company far less, especially when I'm appalled -- and sometimes personally offended -- at his political statements. It's a tough situation, since he's someone who was a close friend for a very long time. I've tried to maintain a connection, but we're drifting apart and it's as much my responsibility as his as I'm less and less willing to engage with him.

Then there's one of my oldest LJ friends: someone whose religious and political beliefs are very different than mine but with whom I've been able to enjoy an ongoing interaction. "Agreeing to disagree" is one of the foundations of our friendship here. Somtimes I've disagreed strongly with opinions and perspectives she's expressed in her own journal, but I don't comment unless I believe I can do so politely and constructively. I respect her convictions, even though I don't share her beliefs. I suspect that she does the same here. We sometimes discuss differences, but I don't think we've ever really argued about anything. We are supportive of the other where we can be, and usually appreciate each other's taste in music and etc. We focus on the common ground rather than our political and religious differences.

I found it painful and troubling when two other LJ friends, women with whom I do feel a strong sense of shared values, chose not to support Obama during the election. To have them come to different opinions from mine on a political decision like this really threw me off. I struggled very hard to read and engage with their reflections on their decision-making process and understand their positions. I struggled about what to write in my own journal to reflect my own dismay without seeming to be critical or dismissive of their processes. I respected their thoughtfulness and their integrity, but was still disappointed in their choices -- and didn't know how to reconcile that in my own mind. Finally I decided that "agreeing to disagree" -- not formally, but as a private choice -- was the only way to go. I had no desire to allow the election to break our friendships. ETA: I should clarify that my dismay was also self-directed. I was startled at the intensity of my own feelings, since for most of my life I haven't considered myself particularly political. Feeling friction with friends about a political issue was (with the exception of the RL friend mentioned above) foreign to me.




It's 5:20am, and I'm about to be late for work. I'm hoping this has come out the way I intended. I'm still not entirely awake. I reserve the right to clarify or rephrase after having had more caffeine. . .

I had an important realization the other day, and have been working through the various implications since then.

I realized that I miss the feeling of being cherished, of being an important priority to someone else, of having someone else take delight in simply being around me and making choices to be with me and share with me rather than doing other things.

This realization is rooted in processing I've been doing around romantic relationships, but I gradually realized that it had implications beyond that. I've experienced it most vividly in romance, but it's also a quality of close, active friendships.

I don't have many close, active friendships these days.
I don't have any old friends whom I see regularly.
I have only a couple of friends who I feel I can call up any time, for any reason or no reason at all -- and they are all long distance.

This situation is very much my own responsibility.

I’ve been very indrawn over the past couple of years due to my grief. I haven’t had much energy for cherishing anyone else, and I certainly can’t blame others for not investing energy and emotion in me if I haven’t been in a position to reciprocate. Black holes are not fun to hang out with, and they're emotionally exhausting.**

The only way to change that is to start cultivating my old friendships again and building new ones -- and making sure that I'm more focused on giving and being available than I have been.

I do know that I have friends who sincerely care about me.
I am not boo-hooing that "nobody cares".
This is about having let the ties that bind go slack from my side and wanting to change my behavior.


I'm never going to be someone who spends a lot of time "out and about."
I'm still an introvert with limited social energy.
I don't know what the best balance of "me" time and "friends" time will be.
But I do know that if I keep hoarding my emotional resources the way I have been I'm going to end up with very few friends at all.


I'm really hoping that is not coming across like a whine, nor as if I'm fishing for reassurances that people care about me. I do know people care. This is about me taking responsibility for feeling lonely, and deciding to do something to change that.


** oakmouse deserves several dozen gold medals for hanging on with me through the worst time of my life.

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I've known athenian_abroad since Fall of 1981, making him not just the LJ friend I've known the longest, but my second-oldest active friendship. Our mutual friend Nick is my oldest active friend, dating back to the 1978-79 school year, when we were in the 8th grade.

There's one female friend who I've known longer, but although we're still friendly and connected on Facebook, we're not in regular personal contact.

One of the reasons my house feels wonderful is the simple aftermath of a good, thorough cleaning. Even though I didn't get the stairs vaccuumed, or all the books off the stairway (most are up!) the clutter is out, my main space was vaccuumed, my dining room table was cleared off, the downstairs bathroom scrubbed -- and there's a lightness and expansiveness to the place that had gotten lost over the past few weeks of Christmas packaging, recyling building up, and general clutter.

The other aspect is that last night it was blessed with the wonderful energies of four old friends: a_belletrist and three ladies from the old WIT group, who came over for divination and conversation. There turned out to be rather more conversation and less divination, but all of it turned out to be fun and loving and powerful.

None of them had visited this residence before, so I had the fun of giving them the grand tour.

Instead of doing tarot readings for each other, which is the usual practice for those gatherings, one of my friends did intuitive readings for the rest of us -- and those were very powerful and on-point. The one she gave me didn't give me information that was particularly new, but vividly confirmed and deepened an awareness I already have. The imagery of her "painting" is going to stay with me for a long time.

Towards the end of the evening, I did a tarot reading for her. At first I was sure I was getting a "busy signal from the universe" because the way the cards wanted to be laid out was utterly different from anything I've done before, and I didn't have any idea what the meanings were or how it all fit together until I felt the "enough" impulse after the fifth card and sat back to look at the pattern as a whole. Then the information and insight started flowing -- including a somewhat non-standard reading for the Fool card, but one which really felt right.

A little after 10pm the WIT ladies left and I asked a_belletrist if she could stay for a while. We ended up talking until around 12:30, and it was quite wonderful. She and I haven't been able to get together nearly as often as we'd like.

I feel like both my home and I were beautifully blessed last night.

I've been having a much-more-social-than-usual Saturday.

This morning I had the pleasure of visting red_the_squeaky -- and we went for a walk! It's been a beautiful, clear Fall day with lots of gorgeous colors to enjoy. It was nice to have a one-on-one conversation with her for the first time.

After visiting Red, I drove further north to a munch where I didn't know anyone, but ended up having some good conversations and connecting with someone who is interested in spiritual direction. I gave her one of my cards. We'll see if she follows up.

I had a nice talk on the phone with oakmouse on my drive home about some of the transformational stuff doing on and last night's dream, and now I'm taking a few minutes of downtime before going over to have dinner with my parents and hang out for a while. I've been feeling guilty because Wolfling and I have seen very little of them since school started. I haven't meant to shut them out, but I also haven't felt like going out again once I get home from work. I'm remedying that this evening. I won't be out too late, however. I need some alone time today!

Another answer in response to this meme. Meme is still open if you want to leave a screened question.

Someone asked:

What qualities do you look for in a friend? What makes someone a good/close friend as opposed to someone you're just friendly with?

For years I've come back to this statement, which I think I first saw on a poster offered by the Scholastic Book Club back in junior high: A friend is someone who knows everything about you and loves you anyway.

The greater the depth of mutual honesty and acceptance I can reach with a person, the better the friendship. Good/close friends are people with whom I can be myself without worry about rejection. That doesn't mean they always agree with me, or that they don't sometimes ask tough questions, but those questions aren't attacks.

Some of my best friends are the ones with whom I've had conflicts but we've worked through them and forgiven each other, making the bonds of trust that much deeper.

There are some friends where the depth of sharing doesn't reach as far as it might -- usually due to the natural discretion and reticence of the other person -- but there's still openness, acceptance, deep trust, and mutual affection: a treasuring of each other.

Being alike isn't a requirement. Most of my best friends have been very different from me in a lot of ways. Of course, chemistry plays an element as well, just as it does in romance. Some people just "click".

"Doing things together" has seldom been a measure of friendship for me. It's great when it happens, but it's not part of the measure of friendship.

Authenticity. Acceptance. Trust. Presence/Being There -- even if it's only through email or phone. Affection. Cherishing.

Someone asked:

On Friends. . . A friend asks you to keep a secret. You agree. Does the promise to keep the secret survive the friend's death?

Yes - unless the friend specifically said that death would release me from my promise.

That said, there could be situations when I would consider it appropriate to break the promise -- but there would have to be a specific and compelling reason, such as the welfare of someone important to my friend. "It doesn't matter anymore" is not a good reason.



On LiveJournal. . . are you addicted? Either way, what does LiveJournal add to your life?

Yes, I'm addicted. Most of my best friends today are people I first met on LJ.

LJ has enabled me to meet and share the lives of wonderful, fascinating people I never would have known otherwise.

My LJ friends offered sympathy and cheer through years of flooding basements, Miss V, the Upstairs Dramas, and the death of my love. My LJ friends have shared my spiritual journey and gifted me with their own wisdom and experience. They've shared their own trials and challenges and triumphs, their poetry, icons, LOL's, and book and movie reviews.

Without LJ there would be no _storyteller_ and no uncrowned_king, which means my life would be unimaginably different. There would be no oakmouse and so an entirely different priestess path. No kateri_thinks sharing Wicked and going to Florida. . . . And the list goes on.

I'm feeling very relaxed about my current quest for balance and integration.

Unfortunately, trying to balance one area means other areas may become unbalanced for a while until the whole system is better aligned.

I am way behind on reading my friends list.

Work is becoming more challenging, which is good.

I'm feeling pretty darn good about my mothering of Wolfing right now. That's good.

I went to two kinky community social events (conversation, not play) in the last three days, and that feels good.

Dinner last night with rocket_jockey was good.
Looking forward to an evening with unicorndelamer this Friday.

Enjoying the first substantive conversations with _storyteller_ that I've had in a very long time. Got a lot sorted out in that friendship.

On Wednesday I'm having an orientation session at a 1:1 training gym.

About to start running late, so I have to go wake Wolfing and get us both moving. . .

I had the pleasure of having athenian_abroad and our mutual friend Nick as houseguests last weekend. The three of us go waaaay back: Nick and I to 1978, with athenian_abroad becoming our friend in 1981. Lots of history.

On Sunday morning, Nick slept in very late so athenian_abroad and I had several hours hours to ourselves to talk, and he had some very good questions and helpful insights about where I am right now and what I want to do. To me, his very presence is inspiring. He's brilliant. Talking to him makes me feel like I really need to gain some clarity in my thinking and become better educated. There are not many people who have that effect on me!

During our conversation I had an important realization: that I've been stalling out on most of my big goals because I'm allowing myself to be derailed by emotional reactions to the tasks/steps instead of allowing my excitement/commitment to the big goal itself to inspire me and move me forward. For example, I know I want more spiritual direction clients. I feel alive, excited, meaningful when I have a session with my one client -- or with a spontaneous direction-like encounter with a friend or stranger, and I would really like to make enough income from my vocation to free me from needing to work a full-time day job -- but it's all too easy to stall out over creating the marketing pieces (business cards, brochures, website, article for local special interest papers) which will actually introduce me and what I do to a wider audience. I say I want more friends, want to get more involved in certain communities, but when activities appear on my calendar I look forward to them for a week but when the time comes I say "I really don't feel like going out."

That's short-sighted. It's childish. I'm letting my "don't wanna" inner kid prevent me from making progress on what I say are important goals.

This is the same inner kid who gets bored with spiritual practice, cooking healthy meals, and getting on the treadmill. She's a spoiled brat -- a real pain! -- and I've been letting her get away with murder, letting her get away with tantrums and obstruction which I would never tolerate from Wolfling. She's pleasure-focused, short-sighted, prefers comfort and indolence to achievement, satisfaction, and meaning. A little of her is good and healthy -- but she's been ruling my life and it's long since time I put her in her proper place. But it's going to be tough to change those habits of thought and choice.

Wolfling is spending this weekend with her dad. I'm going to use the time alone to do the personal inventory I posted about yesterday -- and take a long, serious look at where I am, where I want to be, and what I need to do to get there.

As ever, I return to the quote by Sean Connery from the movie The Untouchables: What are ye prepared ta do?




I know I've made posts like this before and they haven't been followed by much real action. (It's embarrassing.) But I need to keep having the realizations over and over until they stick. I need to keep trying new things, taking the baby steps, if I'm going to get anywhere.

This is where I'll be staying for the Florida trip: http://www.marcoresort.com/

It's a "four diamond" luxury beach resort.

They have a dress code.
http://www.marcoresort.com/Accomodations/acc_attire.html

I keep giggling.

kateri_thinks is coming with me!

We're going to bring our tiaras.

I happen to have a very nice one.

But I haven't yet tried it with my "casual resort wear" for those after-five-pm strolls through the lobby.

There's going to be an afternoon catamaran cruise. . . . Unless we want to be more adventurous and do the airboat "jungle cruise". If it's a "three hour tour" I shall be sure to bring all my luggage, including my evening gowns and survival kit.