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qosI had the pleasure of having ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
athenian_abroad and our mutual friend Nick as houseguests last weekend. The three of us go waaaay back: Nick and I to 1978, with athenian_abroad becoming our friend in 1981. Lots of history.
On Sunday morning, Nick slept in very late soathenian_abroad and I had several hours hours to ourselves to talk, and he had some very good questions and helpful insights about where I am right now and what I want to do. To me, his very presence is inspiring. He's brilliant. Talking to him makes me feel like I really need to gain some clarity in my thinking and become better educated. There are not many people who have that effect on me!
During our conversation I had an important realization: that I've been stalling out on most of my big goals because I'm allowing myself to be derailed by emotional reactions to the tasks/steps instead of allowing my excitement/commitment to the big goal itself to inspire me and move me forward. For example, I know I want more spiritual direction clients. I feel alive, excited, meaningful when I have a session with my one client -- or with a spontaneous direction-like encounter with a friend or stranger, and I would really like to make enough income from my vocation to free me from needing to work a full-time day job -- but it's all too easy to stall out over creating the marketing pieces (business cards, brochures, website, article for local special interest papers) which will actually introduce me and what I do to a wider audience. I say I want more friends, want to get more involved in certain communities, but when activities appear on my calendar I look forward to them for a week but when the time comes I say "I really don't feel like going out."
That's short-sighted. It's childish. I'm letting my "don't wanna" inner kid prevent me from making progress on what I say are important goals.
This is the same inner kid who gets bored with spiritual practice, cooking healthy meals, and getting on the treadmill. She's a spoiled brat -- a real pain! -- and I've been letting her get away with murder, letting her get away with tantrums and obstruction which I would never tolerate from Wolfling. She's pleasure-focused, short-sighted, prefers comfort and indolence to achievement, satisfaction, and meaning. A little of her is good and healthy -- but she's been ruling my life and it's long since time I put her in her proper place. But it's going to be tough to change those habits of thought and choice.
Wolfling is spending this weekend with her dad. I'm going to use the time alone to do the personal inventory I posted about yesterday -- and take a long, serious look at where I am, where I want to be, and what I need to do to get there.
As ever, I return to the quote by Sean Connery from the movie The Untouchables: What are ye prepared ta do?
I know I've made posts like this before and they haven't been followed by much real action. (It's embarrassing.) But I need to keep having the realizations over and over until they stick. I need to keep trying new things, taking the baby steps, if I'm going to get anywhere.
athenian_abroad and our mutual friend Nick as houseguests last weekend. The three of us go waaaay back: Nick and I to 1978, with athenian_abroad becoming our friend in 1981. Lots of history. On Sunday morning, Nick slept in very late so
athenian_abroad and I had several hours hours to ourselves to talk, and he had some very good questions and helpful insights about where I am right now and what I want to do. To me, his very presence is inspiring. He's brilliant. Talking to him makes me feel like I really need to gain some clarity in my thinking and become better educated. There are not many people who have that effect on me!During our conversation I had an important realization: that I've been stalling out on most of my big goals because I'm allowing myself to be derailed by emotional reactions to the tasks/steps instead of allowing my excitement/commitment to the big goal itself to inspire me and move me forward. For example, I know I want more spiritual direction clients. I feel alive, excited, meaningful when I have a session with my one client -- or with a spontaneous direction-like encounter with a friend or stranger, and I would really like to make enough income from my vocation to free me from needing to work a full-time day job -- but it's all too easy to stall out over creating the marketing pieces (business cards, brochures, website, article for local special interest papers) which will actually introduce me and what I do to a wider audience. I say I want more friends, want to get more involved in certain communities, but when activities appear on my calendar I look forward to them for a week but when the time comes I say "I really don't feel like going out."
That's short-sighted. It's childish. I'm letting my "don't wanna" inner kid prevent me from making progress on what I say are important goals.
This is the same inner kid who gets bored with spiritual practice, cooking healthy meals, and getting on the treadmill. She's a spoiled brat -- a real pain! -- and I've been letting her get away with murder, letting her get away with tantrums and obstruction which I would never tolerate from Wolfling. She's pleasure-focused, short-sighted, prefers comfort and indolence to achievement, satisfaction, and meaning. A little of her is good and healthy -- but she's been ruling my life and it's long since time I put her in her proper place. But it's going to be tough to change those habits of thought and choice.
Wolfling is spending this weekend with her dad. I'm going to use the time alone to do the personal inventory I posted about yesterday -- and take a long, serious look at where I am, where I want to be, and what I need to do to get there.
As ever, I return to the quote by Sean Connery from the movie The Untouchables: What are ye prepared ta do?
I know I've made posts like this before and they haven't been followed by much real action. (It's embarrassing.) But I need to keep having the realizations over and over until they stick. I need to keep trying new things, taking the baby steps, if I'm going to get anywhere.
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(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-29 02:01 pm (UTC)That's one way that LJ helps, isn't it? You realize you keep telling your friends stuff and then not making it happen. (The voice of experience, here.)
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-29 05:11 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-29 03:14 pm (UTC)Oh man, I do this ALL THE TIME!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-29 05:11 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-29 03:29 pm (UTC)Ask her why she does those things, and honor her reason for being there, even if it's time to give her other jobs to do ... like going out and meeting new friends.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-29 04:36 pm (UTC)Working Through the Resistance. . . .
Date: 2008-08-29 05:10 pm (UTC)The thing is, I don't see myself as being someone who has trouble with "Me" stuff. I'm not focused on the needs of others (family, friends, job, etc.) at the expense of myself. I never have been. My issue isn't self-denial, it's self indulgence.
Certainly there is a place for retreat and pleasure, but I've taken it too far.
However, looking at what she is there to protect me from -- rather than simply spanking her and locking her in a closet -- is a damn good idea. She and I probably need to have a talk about what she's afraid will happen if I start trying to make my dreams come true and take some risks. Or why she feels tired and reclusive so often.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-29 05:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-29 04:36 pm (UTC)Sometimes it takes more than one try to get the impetus established. Keep trying. *hug*
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-29 05:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-29 06:36 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-29 09:05 pm (UTC)Yes. Definitely. Every time you take a baby step, you are doing something positive toward your goal. I'm a huge fan of baby steps.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-29 09:10 pm (UTC)there's ways to distract her and to make your goals happen in spite of her (or to train her to be less bratty...)
it's good to realize that she is a part of you that feels (perhaps wrongly, perhaps rightly) that she's not getting enough attention. Figuring out why that might be, can be a way of learning how to negotiate with your Brat.
Just $.02, offer it to Hermes if you don't want it... *grin*