The All-Father Makes A Point
Nov. 27th, 2011 11:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosI've been instructed by my mortal mentors (my priestess teacher and my new polytheistic spiritual director) that I need to be concentrating on basic practices right now, especially centering/grounding/cleansing, and (from my priestess teacher) at least weekly meditation starting with four-fold breathing. I've always been lousy at this -- or, more accurately, highly resistant.
I've also been slipping back into compulsive computer gaming -- not complex, creative, strategic games, but mindless solitaire games with pretty lights. This is not good.
Last night I essentially fled from watching a movie with my suitor at his house when, during a love scene that was making me think achingly of LM, he put his hand on my breast. I had to move it, and a few minutes later I said, "I have to leave." He let me go. Driving home I felt a craving for a particular local chocolate dessert, and was able to easily identify an emotional reaction, something I should resist. I resolved to go home and sit with the feelings rather than distract myself with sensory comfort.
I did go home directly, but instead of sitting with my feelings, I ended up checking things on my computer and ending up spending several hours playing games -- but at least that time was interspersed with re-reading the first chapter of Sophie Reicher's book about spiritual protection. Sure enough, she started with centering through four-fold breathing.
I need to do this, I told myself -- and then went back to computer gaves and poker on my Kindle.
When I went to bed at 1am, I hadn't done anything significant to face my feelings, nor had I done any actual practices besides my nightly LBRP and cup ritual with LM.
This morning, when I sat down before my altar, the first thing I noticed was the drink offering to Tiwaz which had been sitting there for a couple of days. In the past, I'd let these sit from Tuesday to Tuesday, but I've recently read about letting it sit for 24 hours and then removing it, which made sense. As I moved the stale drink off the altar, I heard Tiwaz say that I should refresh it. That made sense, so I did.
As I went to the refrigerator, Odin said He wanted a drink offering as well, although He didn't specify what He wanted.
I still wasn't completely awake -- and, honestly, His tone didn't sound serious as much as poking. While I would hesitate to describe the All-Father as sounding "bratty" there was a kind of "Pay attention to me too!" tone in his voice that seemed strange. Please, just let me get this straight, and I'll talk to you about what You need, I begged.
I gave the fresh drink offering to Tiwaz and my attention was then directed to the dust on my altar. I sit there every day, but my housekeeping is not the best. Dust should not be allowed to gather on the altar! Odin chided. Okay, I'll clean it later today, I replied, and tried to settle into my usual devotions -- but He kept complaining about the dust, again in an almost whiny way.
I started thinking WTF? This is not how He usually behaves or sounds!
In the past, when He has wanted me to do something He tells me straight, like a boss or father. He doesn't sound petulant and nag.
It felt like I was being poked and shoved and harrassed. I was off-balance and doubting my inner hearing, but at the same time believing very strongly that I was indeed hearing Odin.
So I said, Give me just a minute, please -- and I collected myself and started doing four-fold breath.
As I centered and felt more calm, I could practically see Him nodding. This is what you're supposed to be doing, He said. This is what you need to do when emotions come up that you know you need to face, but are afraid to. This is what you need to do when you know you need to shut down your computer and tend to your Work. This is what will keep you centered and on course -- not just when you 'do your practices' but any time you feel yourself out of balance.
He had the grace to sound more approving than smug -- although there was certaainly a twinkle in his eye at the way I had so neatly fallen into His set up to learn the day's lesson.
I've also been slipping back into compulsive computer gaming -- not complex, creative, strategic games, but mindless solitaire games with pretty lights. This is not good.
Last night I essentially fled from watching a movie with my suitor at his house when, during a love scene that was making me think achingly of LM, he put his hand on my breast. I had to move it, and a few minutes later I said, "I have to leave." He let me go. Driving home I felt a craving for a particular local chocolate dessert, and was able to easily identify an emotional reaction, something I should resist. I resolved to go home and sit with the feelings rather than distract myself with sensory comfort.
I did go home directly, but instead of sitting with my feelings, I ended up checking things on my computer and ending up spending several hours playing games -- but at least that time was interspersed with re-reading the first chapter of Sophie Reicher's book about spiritual protection. Sure enough, she started with centering through four-fold breathing.
I need to do this, I told myself -- and then went back to computer gaves and poker on my Kindle.
When I went to bed at 1am, I hadn't done anything significant to face my feelings, nor had I done any actual practices besides my nightly LBRP and cup ritual with LM.
This morning, when I sat down before my altar, the first thing I noticed was the drink offering to Tiwaz which had been sitting there for a couple of days. In the past, I'd let these sit from Tuesday to Tuesday, but I've recently read about letting it sit for 24 hours and then removing it, which made sense. As I moved the stale drink off the altar, I heard Tiwaz say that I should refresh it. That made sense, so I did.
As I went to the refrigerator, Odin said He wanted a drink offering as well, although He didn't specify what He wanted.
I still wasn't completely awake -- and, honestly, His tone didn't sound serious as much as poking. While I would hesitate to describe the All-Father as sounding "bratty" there was a kind of "Pay attention to me too!" tone in his voice that seemed strange. Please, just let me get this straight, and I'll talk to you about what You need, I begged.
I gave the fresh drink offering to Tiwaz and my attention was then directed to the dust on my altar. I sit there every day, but my housekeeping is not the best. Dust should not be allowed to gather on the altar! Odin chided. Okay, I'll clean it later today, I replied, and tried to settle into my usual devotions -- but He kept complaining about the dust, again in an almost whiny way.
I started thinking WTF? This is not how He usually behaves or sounds!
In the past, when He has wanted me to do something He tells me straight, like a boss or father. He doesn't sound petulant and nag.
It felt like I was being poked and shoved and harrassed. I was off-balance and doubting my inner hearing, but at the same time believing very strongly that I was indeed hearing Odin.
So I said, Give me just a minute, please -- and I collected myself and started doing four-fold breath.
As I centered and felt more calm, I could practically see Him nodding. This is what you're supposed to be doing, He said. This is what you need to do when emotions come up that you know you need to face, but are afraid to. This is what you need to do when you know you need to shut down your computer and tend to your Work. This is what will keep you centered and on course -- not just when you 'do your practices' but any time you feel yourself out of balance.
He had the grace to sound more approving than smug -- although there was certaainly a twinkle in his eye at the way I had so neatly fallen into His set up to learn the day's lesson.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-27 08:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-27 10:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-28 12:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-28 04:21 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-27 10:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-27 10:41 pm (UTC)(I know you're joking, but it feels. . . unwise. . . to let that stand without some sort of qualifying comment.)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-27 10:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-27 10:59 pm (UTC)See icon. This is me hiding behind a tree. . .
(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-28 02:30 am (UTC)(He has a great sense of humor if you approach him properly. Copious quantities of whiskey and an unkind imitation of Philip Joll phoning in the part of Wotan in the Ring Cycle work well.)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-28 12:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-28 02:31 am (UTC)(Oops, better get out the jackal chow quick. I'll be getting a visit. *grin*)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-28 01:58 am (UTC)