Queen of Swords

I've been instructed by my mortal mentors (my priestess teacher and my new polytheistic spiritual director) that I need to be concentrating on basic practices right now, especially centering/grounding/cleansing, and (from my priestess teacher) at least weekly meditation starting with four-fold breathing. I've always been lousy at this -- or, more accurately, highly resistant.

I've also been slipping back into compulsive computer gaming -- not complex, creative, strategic games, but mindless solitaire games with pretty lights. This is not good.

( The background from last night. )

This morning, when I sat down before my altar, the first thing I noticed was the drink offering to Tiwaz which had been sitting there for a couple of days. In the past, I'd let these sit from Tuesday to Tuesday, but I've recently read about letting it sit for 24 hours and then removing it, which made sense. As I moved the stale drink off the altar, I heard Tiwaz say that I should refresh it. That made sense, so I did.

As I went to the refrigerator, Odin said He wanted a drink offering as well, although He didn't specify what He wanted.

I still wasn't completely awake -- and, honestly, His tone didn't sound serious as much as poking. While I would hesitate to describe the All-Father as sounding "bratty" there was a kind of "Pay attention to me too!" tone in his voice that seemed strange. Please, just let me get this straight, and I'll talk to you about what You need, I begged.

I gave the fresh drink offering to Tiwaz and my attention was then directed to the dust on my altar. I sit there every day, but my housekeeping is not the best. Dust should not be allowed to gather on the altar! Odin chided. Okay, I'll clean it later today, I replied, and tried to settle into my usual devotions -- but He kept complaining about the dust, again in an almost whiny way.

I started thinking WTF? This is not how He usually behaves or sounds!
In the past, when He has wanted me to do something He tells me straight, like a boss or father. He doesn't sound petulant and nag.

It felt like I was being poked and shoved and harrassed. I was off-balance and doubting my inner hearing, but at the same time believing very strongly that I was indeed hearing Odin.

So I said, Give me just a minute, please -- and I collected myself and started doing four-fold breath.

As I centered and felt more calm, I could practically see Him nodding. This is what you're supposed to be doing, He said. This is what you need to do when emotions come up that you know you need to face, but are afraid to. This is what you need to do when you know you need to shut down your computer and tend to your Work. This is what will keep you centered and on course -- not just when you 'do your practices' but any time you feel yourself out of balance.

He had the grace to sound more approving than smug -- although there was certaainly a twinkle in his eye at the way I had so neatly fallen into His set up to learn the day's lesson.

I had a two hour phone conversation last night with my teacher about some of the things that have come up for me since my initiation and what I'm going to be focusing on next in my training.

I'll post details later, when I have more time. (I know, I'm way behind on making posts of substance, but I'm running late -- again -- this morning.)

What's on my mind at the moment is trying to get my head around how far I've come since last year. Sometimes I feel like I'm really not that much more advanced than I was before. Other times I think that it's not about what I can *do* as much as it is having spent a year committed to and steeped in a particular path. My awareness has shifted radically. (This is where you go deep, Ereshkigal told me in the vision where she claimed me last summer.)

My teacher has told me that my initiation was an equivalent to a second degree in other systems, that I've moved from being an apprentice to a journeyman. I'm "off the bunny slopes" she said. It's time for me to start building on the basic foundation I've been laying over the past year. (The last is my words, not hers.)

A big difference between now and this time last year is that last year she was giving me specific direction about what I should be doing, based on her conversations with her deities. Now, I'm consulting with Ereshkigal (and with LM) first on many topics, and then discussing it with her for clarification, refinement, and double-checking that I'm in the right ballpark. She still points me in the direction I need to go (sending me to Ereshkigal for details), has the final say in what I'm doing, based her on considerable experience and wisdom, and she does cross-checks with her own sources to confirm my perceptions, but the shift of me starting to figure out the "how" for myself is part of me moving forward on a path that leads to my taking more direct responsibility for myself, moving toward eventual independence.

Continuing to develop my personal responsibility, trust in myself, and sovereignty was a big issue in my initiation. I'll write more about that later too.

One of the things I'm working on is being consistent with my practices. My evening ritual is relatively brief in its essentials, and I'm finally starting to understand the importance -- and reap the benefits of -- consistency.

The last two nights I've started later than usual and felt tired beyond the usual measure. Both times, I did an internal check about whether or not I really needed to do my practices, and both times I got back a firm yes. So I did.

I've learned that while it is never okay to be sloppy, thoughtless, or otherwise careless about my practices, they also do not have to be done perfectly all the time. Just showing up and applying focus, presence, and firm intent can be enough.

Because, totally aside from the discipline of it, and putting yet another layer of energy and another repetition into the cycle of transformation, there are aspects of what happens that have little or nothing to do with me.

Both of the last two nights I had significant encounters with deities. They were quiet and relatively brief, but important information was given or exchanged. And those encounters would not have happened if I had not made the effort to show up and Do The Work.

I've been doing my practices again, but realized this morning that now that I've made it through the recent Watcher/testing phase, it's time to start moving forward again, not just maintaining what I had been doing.

Time to get out Earthlight and Learning Ritual Magic again and look up what's next in those progressions.

I also need to do an inner journey to spend more time with my teachers and allies, and make sure that I'm clear on what they advise.

I'm still not sure what details I'm going to share about the trial I've been through, but I do hope to post more about it this weekend.

Also on the list (and a higher priority, actually) is getting my Pantheacon class ideas put into a clear outline. In addition to the theoretical/organizational work, I'll be enjoying "practice sessions" with Michael every Sunday afternoon between now and the time I leave. I have the knowledge, but it's been more than a few months since I engaged in sacred bdsm. I want to be sure I'm fully grounded in the personal realities of what I'm going to be talking about.

My newest task for Ereshkigal is to build my inner temple -- and it's not an easy assignment. My inner vision seems more inclined to fluid journeys, where things unfold beyond my conscious control (except for my own actions) than to deliberate building up of specific images or construction. I may be making things too hard for myself, or perhaps I'm missing a specific technique -- or maybe it's just an area which needs work/exercise for me to develop.

( Of Banishing Pentagrams and Betwixt and Between )

So much in my life has come easily to me, especially in the area of study. Today it has been made very clear to me that this path will demand persistence.

Sunday is the day I have dedicated to Isis, and when I sought an audience with her today, her primary message was that it will be necessary for me to prove my worthiness to progress in this training. My good intentions are not in doubt, nor is my heart -- but certain gifts are not to be had simply for the wanting or the showing up. And although She did say so directly, I suspect that some gifts can not be truly owned without persistent work, because that's just the nature of things.

I think I wrote here before that my first specific assigned task has been to seek out a particular gate and look through it. I've had all kinds of adventures while trying to complete the assignment -- but have yet to actually look through the gate more than once. And the one time I managed that, I made a couple of mistakes.

So both yesterday and today I attempted the gate again, with mixed success. I still haven't looked through it, but today I got closer than ever before. I'm not sure why I haven't been able to do this, when I can see so many other things in the inner world clearly -- and Isis has smilingly declined to tell my teacher what the block is. It's something I get to figure out and overcome for myself.

And -- somewhat to my surprise -- I'm finding that that's a good feeling.