Queen of Swords

This evening I did the first set of exercises in The Passion of Isis and Osiris. The concept of durative time (eternal time of the gods) seems to be central for Houston, and the exercise focused on connecting with that place/state.

The first part was spending ten minutes writing down a list of places/times/events in which you were happy, and which you would like to think of as existing eternally in the minds of the gods. That was fun. Then there were exercises in mixing them up, shaking the mind loose from linear, chronological time. Finally we were to combine them all into a single celebration happening in durative time. I wrote that out, and was taken by surprise by how powerful it was. I filled 3/4 of a page of stream-of-consciousness description of those events -- plus new ones that came to mind -- happening together. It was amazing.

After that, the directions said to imagine yourself on a barge on the Nile under a brilliant sky, and to picture something you want to bring into being, large or small. As I shaped my vision, I perceived Isis beside me telling me that this is the essence of magic: the ability to shift my consciousness into this place/state, to create something new, to shift and to shape, so it can come down the planes into manifestation.

This is what your imagination has been reaching for all your life, she told me, and showed me a series of images which haven't translated well when I've tried to type them here.

I'll be very interested in exploring where this is going to lead. . .

The (friends locked) post I made earlier this morning seems to have knocked a lot of things loose and rearranged them.

( Further insights and developments )
For the past two years I have been confronted again and again with the necessity of letting go of old and outmoded perceptions of myself. I have had to let go of much that I have cherished whose time has now passed. I am not yet fully sure of what form my sexuality will take in the months and years ahead, but I am finally understanding that my old self-image(s) simply will not work. This is a new life, a new existence, a new reality.

I am not who I was.

It's been quite a while since I've had a spontaneous inner journey, but two nights ago I had an extremely vivid experience.

It started when my attention was caught by the Isis candle holder that sits on my marriage altar. I seldom light those candles anymore, and when I do it's usually in the context of work with LM -- but she was definitely calling to me, so I lit those candles, then lit the other ones as well: candles for Ereshkigal, Freyja and others.

There were now three candles burning on the marriage altar: two with Isis, one with Freyja, and for a while I just looked at the altar, absorbing the light, the significance of the various objects, the energy. . . and suddenly I found myself on my knees thanking the gods for the blessing of LM and his love for me, for our relationship, and for me starting to become all I've yearned to be.

I'd had just a touch too much alcohol earlier, so I wasn't sure how well my hermetic practices were going to go -- but I did know that skipping them wasn't an option. To my surprise, by the time I finished my head felt much more clear. (I wouldn't have tested my sobriety by driving, but I definitely felt more awake and focused.)

All day I'd felt pulled toward the inner -- which had been especially frustrating at work. Now, I moved all the candles to the nonflammable marble surface of the marriage altar, asked my daughter to come in and blow the candles out at bedtime if I fell asleep, and then settled down on the bed to find out who wanted to talk to me, and what about.

( Through the Gate )
Then Isis asked me what I was going to do with all this crackling power -- and I realized that very few situations call for hurling lighting around. Most of the time electricity is most useful when it's a measured current flowing along a specific path. The comparison to my daily hermetic practices was obvious -- but I was also shown myself meeting with clients, people who didn't need to be blasted by "lightning" but met with a different kind of energy. There are time for blasts of lightning, but I am not to scorn the smaller, gentler uses of power.

(Somewhere in the background, a goddess or ally -- Freyja, perhaps? -- smiled slyly and suggested that LM might enjoy playing with the lighting.)

I was still crackling with energy and felt myself sinking down into and through the earth, into the Otherworld, where I shared my excess energy with some of the dwellers there (in accord with Orion Foxwood's teachings about the importance of sharing energy back and forth with faery).

Then Ereshkigal joined me. This is the first time I've encountered Her on a journey outside of Her throne room or her "office." She was dressed in a more elegant style than her usual robes, and she and the fae greeted each other respectfully. She took me for a walk and spoke to me at length, but I was starting to lose parts of myself to dream -- something I was aware of off and on as She spoke with me. I was frustrated by my inability to retain Her words, but She didn't seem bothered.

Suddenly my body felt more solid and my awareness shifted decisively but smoothly out of trance and back to normal awareness.

I still can't remember what Ereshkigal said to me, but my teacher assures me that some part of me did hear and remember, and the knowledge will be there when I need it.

The central ritual of the Ordo Arcanorum Gradalis, in which fellowship I am an ordained priestess, is the Grail Mass. This ritual, written by OAG founder Shadwynn, beautifully combines Christian and Pagan imagery and honors the Goddess in the Cup and the God in the Bread. It's also lengthy and verbose -- a bit much for my Protestant-conditioned sensibilities, especially to celebrate by myself.

But I've been longing to celebrate a communion meal again, to ritually identify the Divine in the elements of bread and wine and then take them into myself, acting out my desire to be one with the Divine and partake of the mystery of sacrifice and rebirth.

Tonight, I improvised -- and without the pressure of trying remember every word and gesture of the liturgy I was overwhelmed by the power of the mystery.

My coffee table altar was simple: two candles (one each for the Goddess and God), the Cup, a saucer with a biscuit on it, my wand and athame. There wasn't even a covering for the table.

I smudged the living room, dining room and kitchen, lit some extra candles and put some ylang-ylang and myrrh oil in the diffuser. Then I set on the couch and began to pray.

Very quickly I realized that my intention for the ritual was not anywhere as clear as it could have been, but gave myself permission to go slowly and pay attention to inner promptings.

I invited my patron deities to join me, especially Isis -- who figures prominently in the OAG Grail Mass -- and soon was focusing on the grape juice in the cup. It was dark and deep in the candlelight, and all of the sudden I was overwhelmed by the enormity of what I was doing: asking the Goddess to infuse the liquid with Her essence and share it with me (and with LM who was participating as he could).

How dare I, a mortal, partake in the essence of the Divine?
It wasn't an angry accusation from outside myself, but a welling up of awe and wonder and holy fear from within.

I started weeping from the enormity of it, from the awesome power of the Mystery by which humanity celebrates, remembers and partakes of eternal life and sacrificial death.

My words of blessing and offering stumbled, but they were some of the most sincere I have ever uttered in my life, even if I couldn't tell you now what they were. When I finally dared to lift the cup and partake of its contents, the grape tasted sweet and deep.

When I turned to the bread it was even more overwhelming, contemplating the savior-shepherd-king gods who die and are reborn, whose flesh is transformed into grain that feeds the people on both a physical and a spiritual level, he who loves the Goddess who bears him, marries him, weeps for him, and bears him again.

My words can't come close to communicating what I felt, nor the wonder of having Isis acknowledge my rite and let me know that my intentions would be honored and blessed.


It's only now as I type this that I realize there was no thought of the Grail in my mind when I performed the ritual, although the intent was of the Grail. To me, the Grail represents the double quest which I believe is the goal of the spiritual life in any context: to know union with the Divine, and to "heal the Wasteland" -- that is, to be a channel for divine blessings into the world, becoming a catalyst for healing and renewal to people and to the earth itself.

That is the purpose of my being a priestess: to become ever more deeply one with the Divine (or to ever more vividly recognize my oneness), and to become a channel of blessing, according to Divine purpose and my own unique gifts.

So much in my life has come easily to me, especially in the area of study. Today it has been made very clear to me that this path will demand persistence.

Sunday is the day I have dedicated to Isis, and when I sought an audience with her today, her primary message was that it will be necessary for me to prove my worthiness to progress in this training. My good intentions are not in doubt, nor is my heart -- but certain gifts are not to be had simply for the wanting or the showing up. And although She did say so directly, I suspect that some gifts can not be truly owned without persistent work, because that's just the nature of things.

I think I wrote here before that my first specific assigned task has been to seek out a particular gate and look through it. I've had all kinds of adventures while trying to complete the assignment -- but have yet to actually look through the gate more than once. And the one time I managed that, I made a couple of mistakes.

So both yesterday and today I attempted the gate again, with mixed success. I still haven't looked through it, but today I got closer than ever before. I'm not sure why I haven't been able to do this, when I can see so many other things in the inner world clearly -- and Isis has smilingly declined to tell my teacher what the block is. It's something I get to figure out and overcome for myself.

And -- somewhat to my surprise -- I'm finding that that's a good feeling.

My priestess training is being conducted under the patronage of three goddesses: Isis, Inanna and Arianrhod. (One of my teacher's patrons is also supervising things closely, but she doesn't seem to have adopted me as her own.) Although I've felt a connection to Inanna for a long time, due to my strong resonance with two of her primary traditions (The Descent and the Sacred Marriage), the other two I'd known only from their myths. I have never had with any of them the kind of intimate friendship I once enjoyed with Yeshua, the Christ. (He and I are still on very good terms, but that's another entry.)

I was talking with oakmouse yesterday about how lonely it's been without having that kind of relationship with the Divine, and so last night I decided to use my meditation time to connect with one of my goddess patrons. The original plan had been to work on the "center/safe place" exercise, but I've been feeling so depleted I just didn't think I had the personal energy to find a safe space inside myself. Reaching out to the Divine, in the form of one or more of "my" goddesses seemed a necessary step to replenish myself before I tried to find the strong/safe core in myself.

I don't think I called out to anyone in particular. I centered, did my focused breathing (four-two-four-two count), and then greeted them all and expressed a desire to know them better. It was Isis who came to me: regal and serene in her white robe and elaborate crown, but with a mother's tenderness. Too much time has elapsed since the encounter for me to remember much of what she said, but the words were less important than the feeling I had of being cherished and protected.

There were some fleeting images of marble halls and golden fixtures, perhaps palaces of ancient Egypt, perhaps just free association in response to her energy. I asked her if I had known her before, worked with her in other lifetimes. She didn't answer. Either it's not yet time for me to know certain things or my connection to her is not yet developed enough for detailed communication.

Then she reminded me gently that she too knew what it was like to have a husband die and to be separated from him, and I felt her deep empathy with my grief and loneliness.

It was a very tender encounter, and I felt encouraged that one day I will again be able to partake in easy familiarity and friendship with the Divine.