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qosThe (friends locked) post I made earlier this morning seems to have knocked a lot of things loose and rearranged them.
In my inner self, I take on the persona I created for my first encounter with The Scottish Gentleman: a former hierodule, the widow of a famous general, who has finally emerged from mourning and who seeks sexual healing with the assistance of a friend who owns a high-class brothel. The man I encountered there performed a priestly act for me, without fully understanding what he did, and after several passionate encounters with him, plus a few with some of my friend's other clients, I felt ready to return to the Temple where I once lived. I put on the brightly-colored robes of a priestess of the Goddess of Love, and presented myself to the High Priestess saying "I am ready to return."
"Return to what?" she asked, curious but compassionate, understanding my situation far better than I did in that moment.
"To my duties," I said.
"Is such a thing fitting for the widow of _____?" And here there was no name uttered, but a mosaic of images of a proud and famous general, a man known and honored by our people -- and she looked pointedly at the wedding ring I still wore. It wasn't the wolf ring of this life, but a golden lion's head, a kingly device.
I covered it protectively with my other hand as a chasm opened up within me. NO. Of course not. How could I. . . ?
But I had lain with my "priest" and it had been good. And I had taken and been taken by other men at the House -- but anonymously, a whore among whores. Here in the Temple it would be different. I would be known -- and not just by others. I wouldn't be in that anonymous, liminal place of healing, I would be known to myself again. And it would be in the sacred chambers. . . where I had first encountered him. I could take off the ring, pretend for the length of an encounter that I was other than who I am: not myself, not his wife -- except that I could not.
My husband is my husband, and he resides in the Underworld/Otherworld, and those are the stark, inescapable facts of my life.
"What am I to do?" I whispered to the High Priestess. . . .
But it was Ereshkigal who answered me: "When will you understand that you are an Underworld priestess?" And I saw the dark entrance of a cave set into the bare stone wall of a cliff.
I am a devotee of Inanna, yes. And I participate in her energy in a powerful way. But at this time in my life it may be that she is as much or more about the life of eros rather than the sex of it. And about breaking boundaries, of not being confined by the rules of my childhood that still have far too powerful a hold on me. It is the Inanna energy that is helping me dare enough -- love enough -- to keep working at building my practice to the point of self-employment.
The urgency of my need to be more than I am felt in my inner self like an emptiness in my gut with claws raking to expand the space. It wasn't an ugly or painful sensation, but one of hunger and urgency and drive. It was a stark contrast to the life of peaceful comfort that I would have had with him. It's going to be harder, lonelier -- but will quite probably result in me being more than I ever dreamed I could be. But alone. . . .
The images of The Descent filled my mind: of loneliness and sacrifice and pain. . . and I cried out to Ereshkigal "But I thought my descent was over!" and I reminded her in silent image of the words She Herself had spoken to me during my initiation when She told me just that.
"Who says that an ascent is any easier?" She shot back -- and I had an image of my fingers digging into a slope of a steep, rocky mountain. And I thought of all the sacred poetry and folktales in which The Heart's Desire, The Pearl of Great Price is found at the top of a mountain, and the path to the top is long and arduous.
In my soul's eye, I left the Temple of the Hierodules, accepting finally that it was no longer my place -- if indeed it ever had been. Perhaps the High Priestess told me at some point during the vision, perhaps it had come to me earlier, but I understood that once I had crossed the threshold of the hieros gamos there was no going "back to the ranks."
But where was I to go now?
The cave beckoned, and I went into it, and down the narrow, curving stair that led further underground. My physical ears heard a dog barking outside my apartment, and I called on Hecate to ask for guidance.
I had a sense of her presence -- and then suddenly images from a vision of a month or so came back to me: of a dark temple and a huge statue of Black Isis -- and suddenly I was in the presence of Isis. Black Isis at first: she whose husband is dead and resides in the underworld, but then also as Isis Resplendent, Golden Isis, whose marriage is eternal and who is the Mistress of Magic and Lady of the Two Lands, and She Who Holds The Key to Immortality. (And those are all titles that came to me in my meditation, so I have no idea if they would be recognized by anyone else.) I felt her presence break through to me like a sun, like a lightning flash, Dark and Bright together: She who can help me in all ways, she who was among my first patrons on the Underworld Path, she who acknowledged me as a daughter. And I knew that she would help me as this next stage of my path unfolds, as I work harder on my magical practices, and I focus even more on building those inner structures and connections that are the heart of my work.
For the past two years I have been confronted again and again with the necessity of letting go of old and outmoded perceptions of myself. I have had to let go of much that I have cherished whose time has now passed. I am not yet fully sure of what form my sexuality will take in the months and years ahead, but I am finally understanding that my old self-image(s) simply will not work. This is a new life, a new existence, a new reality.
I am not who I was.
In my inner self, I take on the persona I created for my first encounter with The Scottish Gentleman: a former hierodule, the widow of a famous general, who has finally emerged from mourning and who seeks sexual healing with the assistance of a friend who owns a high-class brothel. The man I encountered there performed a priestly act for me, without fully understanding what he did, and after several passionate encounters with him, plus a few with some of my friend's other clients, I felt ready to return to the Temple where I once lived. I put on the brightly-colored robes of a priestess of the Goddess of Love, and presented myself to the High Priestess saying "I am ready to return."
"Return to what?" she asked, curious but compassionate, understanding my situation far better than I did in that moment.
"To my duties," I said.
"Is such a thing fitting for the widow of _____?" And here there was no name uttered, but a mosaic of images of a proud and famous general, a man known and honored by our people -- and she looked pointedly at the wedding ring I still wore. It wasn't the wolf ring of this life, but a golden lion's head, a kingly device.
I covered it protectively with my other hand as a chasm opened up within me. NO. Of course not. How could I. . . ?
But I had lain with my "priest" and it had been good. And I had taken and been taken by other men at the House -- but anonymously, a whore among whores. Here in the Temple it would be different. I would be known -- and not just by others. I wouldn't be in that anonymous, liminal place of healing, I would be known to myself again. And it would be in the sacred chambers. . . where I had first encountered him. I could take off the ring, pretend for the length of an encounter that I was other than who I am: not myself, not his wife -- except that I could not.
My husband is my husband, and he resides in the Underworld/Otherworld, and those are the stark, inescapable facts of my life.
"What am I to do?" I whispered to the High Priestess. . . .
But it was Ereshkigal who answered me: "When will you understand that you are an Underworld priestess?" And I saw the dark entrance of a cave set into the bare stone wall of a cliff.
I am a devotee of Inanna, yes. And I participate in her energy in a powerful way. But at this time in my life it may be that she is as much or more about the life of eros rather than the sex of it. And about breaking boundaries, of not being confined by the rules of my childhood that still have far too powerful a hold on me. It is the Inanna energy that is helping me dare enough -- love enough -- to keep working at building my practice to the point of self-employment.
The urgency of my need to be more than I am felt in my inner self like an emptiness in my gut with claws raking to expand the space. It wasn't an ugly or painful sensation, but one of hunger and urgency and drive. It was a stark contrast to the life of peaceful comfort that I would have had with him. It's going to be harder, lonelier -- but will quite probably result in me being more than I ever dreamed I could be. But alone. . . .
The images of The Descent filled my mind: of loneliness and sacrifice and pain. . . and I cried out to Ereshkigal "But I thought my descent was over!" and I reminded her in silent image of the words She Herself had spoken to me during my initiation when She told me just that.
"Who says that an ascent is any easier?" She shot back -- and I had an image of my fingers digging into a slope of a steep, rocky mountain. And I thought of all the sacred poetry and folktales in which The Heart's Desire, The Pearl of Great Price is found at the top of a mountain, and the path to the top is long and arduous.
In my soul's eye, I left the Temple of the Hierodules, accepting finally that it was no longer my place -- if indeed it ever had been. Perhaps the High Priestess told me at some point during the vision, perhaps it had come to me earlier, but I understood that once I had crossed the threshold of the hieros gamos there was no going "back to the ranks."
But where was I to go now?
The cave beckoned, and I went into it, and down the narrow, curving stair that led further underground. My physical ears heard a dog barking outside my apartment, and I called on Hecate to ask for guidance.
I had a sense of her presence -- and then suddenly images from a vision of a month or so came back to me: of a dark temple and a huge statue of Black Isis -- and suddenly I was in the presence of Isis. Black Isis at first: she whose husband is dead and resides in the underworld, but then also as Isis Resplendent, Golden Isis, whose marriage is eternal and who is the Mistress of Magic and Lady of the Two Lands, and She Who Holds The Key to Immortality. (And those are all titles that came to me in my meditation, so I have no idea if they would be recognized by anyone else.) I felt her presence break through to me like a sun, like a lightning flash, Dark and Bright together: She who can help me in all ways, she who was among my first patrons on the Underworld Path, she who acknowledged me as a daughter. And I knew that she would help me as this next stage of my path unfolds, as I work harder on my magical practices, and I focus even more on building those inner structures and connections that are the heart of my work.
For the past two years I have been confronted again and again with the necessity of letting go of old and outmoded perceptions of myself. I have had to let go of much that I have cherished whose time has now passed. I am not yet fully sure of what form my sexuality will take in the months and years ahead, but I am finally understanding that my old self-image(s) simply will not work. This is a new life, a new existence, a new reality.
I am not who I was.
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-05-15 07:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-05-15 08:03 pm (UTC)And thank you for the affirmation. I post in the hope that my experiences will somehow be of service to others in their journeys. It means a lot when someone tells me that's actually the case.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-05-25 03:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-05-15 08:57 pm (UTC)Actually, I should probably explore this on my journal and not yours. No fair spamming. ;)