Queen of Swords

My decision to take the retreat which I posted about yesterday is part of a sudden burst of energy to start practicing a higher level of self-care. 

I realized within the last day or two that I am suffering even more than I had realized from lack of touch. The only touch I get is when my adult daughter comes over and we snuggle on the couch while we read or watch tv together. It's lovely, and I'm grateful my daughter still wants that, but it's not the same as adult companion touch, even non-sexual.

I've also realized that I really, really want to be pampered and soak up the attention along with the touch. I am so depleted I don't feel capable of equal sharing. It's probably one reason my erotic energy is so low: I don't feel like I have any resources from which to give.

And it's challenging and complicated to get non-sexual touch as an adult. Seattle has cuddle parties, but I don't feel like going to an event like that. I Googled "sensual massage" and everything that comes up is advertisements by sex workers for male clients. I wish our culture allowed sexual and sensual services to be open and regulated, and that more were available for women.

So. . .  I tried other google combinations and ended up finding a male massage therapist whose website indicates a very thoughtful approach and training in energy work. I have an appointment with him tomorrow. I have a female friend (originally made on LJ) who is a massage therapist, and I'm in the process of scheduling a housecall from her. AND I reached out on FetLife to a single guy I've known for several years, who is a couple of decades younger than I am, who I saw was a member of a couple of cuddle groups. I invited him to an evening of non-sexual cuddling and movies ("Netflix and chill" in the current parlance -- but actually chilling) -- and he's responded enthusiastically, and told me he was honored that I would reach out to him. 

[I just realized that I'm having someone come over this Sunday morning and take away my much-loved (and slightly famous) purple comfy couch. It's over 15 years old and has become very worn. The fabric has pulled away from the back of the seat. The arms are sagging (from when Wolfling kept standing on them, despite my ongoing orders not to). I have a new couch coming next week, and need to make room for it. So no couch cuddling at my place for at least another week or so.]

It feels good to name and act on my needs like this. I've always thought I did a good job at self care, but the quality of that self care has declined a lot over the years. I have needed to move from self-numbing to actual pleasure and authentic relaxation. It's taken a long time discern what that looks like at this stage of my life.

Of course I really miss L&L's presences. LB was particularly good at massages with energy components. I've never known anyone better. LM (Lohain) was good, but didn't have that same talent. LM was good for deeply grounded relaxing-into-his-arms and feeling sheltered from the world. 

I realize that I haven't felt sheltered or protected since his death.
No wonder I feel so depleted.

In the course of cleaning up my temple room I've rediscovered a three-dragon-headed, rather gothic looking, candle holder which has a deeply carved surface.

It also has red wax hardened in the deep grooves and scallops.

Any tips on the best way to remove the wax without harming the surface of the candle holder? I'm pretty sure I can use a small, pointed instrument to get up a lot of it, but not sure what to do beyond that.

Sannion, over at The House of Vines, recently posted two essays about coming out as a Pagan. The first agrees very closely what I've been thinking and saying for the past several years: that those of us who easily pass as mundane and who choose to come out as Pagans help lower the overall fear factor about Paganism because people can look at us and see that we are not scary. His second essay turned that around, and makes a compelling case for Pagans who do choose to be "out" to stop trying so hard to fit in to the dominant culture. I've been pondering it ever since I read it, and will continue to do so.

This morning, I read Galina Krasskova's meditation on Beltane on her "Highway to Hel" column at Patheos.com. What struck me the most was her emphasis on honoring the body.

Honoring the body is hardly a new concept in Paganism. In fact, many would argue that it's something that distinguishes most Pagan traditions from the dominant monotheistic, dualistic spiritual traditions. It's certainly a value I believe in -- in an idealistic and intellectual way.

What I realized this morning as I read Galina's column was that, when it comes right down to it, I have no idea how to truly and meaningfully honor my own body. Not in a day-by-day, pragmatic way.

And that bears thinking about.

It bears doing something as well, but I don't yet know what.

I wrote this at work a few weeks ago, and need to keep coming back to it:


I must be the Journeyer, but not the passive girl who was moved like a chesspiece. I must take action to dance through the different facets of myself, complete - and comfortable - in my own complexity, and not feeling tugged or embattled or in conflict. Until I can do this, I will have neither peace nor satisfaction. Time and time again I give priority to what is least satisfying, most oppressive, or simply numbing. What if instead I took joyous action?

Norris's "Quotidian Mysteries" is rooted in her relationship with Christian liturgy and theology, but her observations are valid beyond that context, especially when she brings acedia into it, and the restorative impact of giving dignity to the repetitive tasks of life.

The "Master Maker" in Froud's Faery Oracle has in influence here as well. One of his quotes is "No job is too small to not be done beautifully." "Small" can have many implications here, including the priority or honor one would usually grant the task: like washing dishes or making the bed.

I want so much to be able to communicate this to Wolfling, but how can I when my own grasp is so tenuous?

I keep coming back to the image of the dance: moving decisively, gracefully, from one position/location to another. One position does not invalidate another. My doing menial domestic chores does not dishonor me, does not make me less an intellectual or less a priestess. In fact, it could enhance my priestess work if I let it. Possibly ditto my marriage, even though LM is not present corporeally.

There's another story to release and re-tell: "domestically disabled."
What if instead I become a woman who is joyously comfortable in all four elements?

What kind of radical transformation would be possible if I truly believed in my ability to encompass my complexity and express each in turn, as appropriate? Would it help deflect me from the impulse to bury myself in the numbing solitaire games? I would never be so self-anaesthetizing if LM were present in the flesh.

As much as I would like to believe otherwise, and however much energy I devote to ignoring the simple truth, the fact is that if my material surroundings are in disarray there is a limit to what I can accomplish in other aspects of my life.

There are other factors in play as well, of course -- but this is the one I find the easiest to ignore. And it's also one of the simplest -- not "easiest" but simplest -- to impact in a positive way.

My new day job is less than full time, and I have Fridays off. Fridays are supposed to be the days I devote to doing my own work: my writing, working on developing my spiritual direction practice, doing in-depth spiritual work, and etc. Instead, for the past several weeks I've spent the day wasting time on my computer, spinning my wheels, numbing myself.

Today I managed to break away from that, but as I started trying to focus I realized just how much clutter is in every room, that my floors desperately need to be vaccuumed, and it's impossible to actually work at my desk because it's overrun with miscellany.

So I'm pushing my entire to-do list to the back burner and devoting my day to cleaning. When things get like this it's easy to be overwhelmed, so I'm using my basic self-rescue technique: start by the front door and pick up one thing and one thing only, deal with it, and go on to the next single thing. The windows are all open to let in the spring sunshine, fresh air, and birdsong. There's music playing as well.

Energy is moving. I am moving. Order is being wreaked, slowly and gently. And I'm going to feel a heck of a lot better about myself this evening than I did last Friday.

I had a really good conversation with my teacher last night, focused on the issues I've been working on around life energy and balance.

One of the things we talked about was the probability that I need to be getting outside more. I've noticed that when I go out for a walk during my breaks at work the benefit to my energy and mood feels significantly out of proportion (in a positive way) to the time and effort I expend in walking around the parking lot -- or even just back and forth on the breezeway a few times. Obviously getting out and moving in the fresh air is part of basic health and wellness -- but it's entirely possible that it has extra importance for someone on an underworld path whose personal energy has become tightly woven with both an underworld deity and a spirit partner.

I also need to get back to the Nia dance fitness class and the gentle, joyous, invigorating movement it involves.

Finally, although I didn't really discuss it with my teacher, I've been becoming increasingly aware of the need to be honest with myself about the degree to which my low energy and depression are impacted by my eating habits and lack of exercise. Last spring I started out on SparkPeople.com to improve my eating and fitness habits, and it was great -- and then a knee injury sidelined me and I never quite recovered. I'm currently back in the vicious cycle of not eating well because I come home tired, and therefore not taking the time to make something healthy to eat. Also, I need to drink more water during the day at work and take my vitamins regularly.

If you've been reading along and missed alfrecht's comment on my Persephone/sovereignty post, you may want to go back and glance at it. It seems that a word that insisted in being included had a deeper implication than I realized -- and more associations.

Last night, I was just settling onto the couch with Wolfling to snuggle, after writing that previous entry and then reading alfrecht's comment, when my phone alarm beeped to remind me it was time for my regular Tuesday evening household altar rite with Tiwaz and LM. I don't believe this! I cried, suddenly having a new appreciation of the term "god bothered."

I went to the altar and addressed myself to Tiwaz, but my head was still pretty much spinning from everything that had already happened, and it was hard to concentrate. I made sure to say my usual thanks for the safety and prosperity of our household, and then made what has been a recently habitual prayer for help in having the income I need to support myself and Wolfling comfortably.

For the first time, I felt some resistance. This is something I'm going to have to test with divination, but what I thought I was getting in response was a firm caution that we would be taken care of, but that I need to let go of some of my own expectations about what is best for Wolfling and what level of affluence I live in. There were some strong urges to follow through on some thoughts I've had about selling some excess stuff I've accumulated over the years, reducing my need for "x" amount of space, and being more conservative with my money.

I thought of more than one LJ friend who is a spirit worker of some kind, and whose focus is so much demanded on their Work that they are not able to maintain the kind of job(s) that they might otherwise have.

I've never had the career I grew up expecting to have. Over the past few years, I've said that it's been because I've not had the right kind of ambition for one, that I never knew what I wanted to be and didn't feel like putting out the effort for something I didn't want; maybe what's been going on at a deeper level has been preparation for this stage of my life when I'm to focus on Work rather than career.

Certainly I've been thinking for a while that the less I "need" to maintain, the more choices and flexibility I'll have when considering jobs -- both vocational (spirit related) and "day job."

I won't pretend that I wasn't troubled by what I thought I was hearing last night -- even as I found it somewhat ironic that after all I had just experienced I was worried about the gods somehow not taking care of me.

It was very hard to fall asleep last night. My head was still spinning. Finally I realized that despite all I had just been through and all I had written here and to a couple of friends, I had not yet addressed myself to Persephone directly. *headdesk

So I spent a few minutes doing that: thanking her for her attention and messages, telling her that I looked forward to learning more about what she has in mind, and etc. Honestly, I don't remember most of it. She didn't feel close yet, not like Ereshkigal. I did feel Ereshkigal last night, and She was smiling -- with a bit more pleasure and warmth than usual. I seem to be on the right path.

Strange, dense dreams last night, including an appearance by Bear -- in the midst of a bunch of other animals. But while many of them came closer -- even into my house -- Bear looked at me and wandered off into the woods. Bear has been my ally for many years, although I've never done the kind of close personal work that would develop that relationship more deeply. This morning, the only animal I remember being in my house was a large gorilla who mauled my breast.

I'm still feeling more than a bit overwhelmed this morning. . .

My grocery store has a large display of pomegranates. I guess I'll be picking one up soon. .

Going back to work full time means that I need to start doing meal planning again.

Well, "again" is relative. This is a discipline I've yet to actually make stick, despite instruction and coaching from _storyteller_.

For the first three weeks, my work day will start at 7:30am -- the earliest I've had to be anywhere in quite some time. I'm someone who needs breakfast, so I'll need to be sure I have healthy food to eat *before* I get into my car. Otherwise, I'll be driving through McDonalds.

The place I'll be working has an on-site cafeteria, which is great for convenience and bad for both the wallet and the waistline. Packing economical, healthy lunches is going to be a necessity. Time to stock up again on little plastic containers for left-overs, and healthy snacks for the cubicle. I'll also need to be sure I have a water bottle at my desk.

Finally: dinner. I am not one of those people who enjoys cooking, although I've been told I'm competent at the dishes I do prepare. Coming home after a full day of work to face the prospect of cooking dinner for Wolfling myself is a daunting prospect. (Honestly, one of the things I miss most about having a mortal partner around the house is having both participation and moral support in this area!) But Wolfling is old enough to share the responsibility for meal prep and cooking -- and she's even indicated an active interest. I'm hoping it can be a bonding experience as well as practical.

The key is planning. Knowing what we're having for dinner, having the supplies on hand, making enough for leftovers, and having the proper storage, are all going to be essential.

At 11:30 today I will be having a one-hour meeting with the CEO of a major local employer. It's not for a particular job, but in response to my dad showing him my resume. However, CEO's do not carve an hour out of the middle of their day if they are not intrigued. He could have given me half an hour, or offered to pass it on to his recruiting manager, or whatever.

I've been studying up on the company, and had dinner with Dad last night to test drive the questions I've come up with. I have a new outfit and a recent haircut.

It may not lead anywhere. It may be the boost I need to get my foot in the door.

Fortunately, the research I've done on this company has made me authentically excited about the prospect of working there. They've been doing some important things to innovate and shift paradigms in their industry, and it would be exciting to be part of that ongoing innovation.

So if you pray, chant, light candles, or importune the higher powers in any other way, please put in a good word for me today! I'd like to favorably impress him as someone he would like to have on his team, and inspire him to recommend me to the appropriate people on his staff to help me get hired.



Yes, I am still working on my spiritual direction practice, but it seems unlikely it will generate enough income in the near term to for rent, groceries, clothing, and healthcare for me, let alone for me and Wolfling. Therefore, I need to step up my job search activities.

While it is undoubtedly true that the best reason for inviting friends to one's home is to enjoy their company and strengthen bonds of fellowship and community, it is also true that for some of us it is the single best way to motivate ourselves to finally complete all (or most) of those little household chores we've been putting off.