Queen of Swords

My decision to take the retreat which I posted about yesterday is part of a sudden burst of energy to start practicing a higher level of self-care. 

I realized within the last day or two that I am suffering even more than I had realized from lack of touch. The only touch I get is when my adult daughter comes over and we snuggle on the couch while we read or watch tv together. It's lovely, and I'm grateful my daughter still wants that, but it's not the same as adult companion touch, even non-sexual.

I've also realized that I really, really want to be pampered and soak up the attention along with the touch. I am so depleted I don't feel capable of equal sharing. It's probably one reason my erotic energy is so low: I don't feel like I have any resources from which to give.

And it's challenging and complicated to get non-sexual touch as an adult. Seattle has cuddle parties, but I don't feel like going to an event like that. I Googled "sensual massage" and everything that comes up is advertisements by sex workers for male clients. I wish our culture allowed sexual and sensual services to be open and regulated, and that more were available for women.

So. . .  I tried other google combinations and ended up finding a male massage therapist whose website indicates a very thoughtful approach and training in energy work. I have an appointment with him tomorrow. I have a female friend (originally made on LJ) who is a massage therapist, and I'm in the process of scheduling a housecall from her. AND I reached out on FetLife to a single guy I've known for several years, who is a couple of decades younger than I am, who I saw was a member of a couple of cuddle groups. I invited him to an evening of non-sexual cuddling and movies ("Netflix and chill" in the current parlance -- but actually chilling) -- and he's responded enthusiastically, and told me he was honored that I would reach out to him. 

[I just realized that I'm having someone come over this Sunday morning and take away my much-loved (and slightly famous) purple comfy couch. It's over 15 years old and has become very worn. The fabric has pulled away from the back of the seat. The arms are sagging (from when Wolfling kept standing on them, despite my ongoing orders not to). I have a new couch coming next week, and need to make room for it. So no couch cuddling at my place for at least another week or so.]

It feels good to name and act on my needs like this. I've always thought I did a good job at self care, but the quality of that self care has declined a lot over the years. I have needed to move from self-numbing to actual pleasure and authentic relaxation. It's taken a long time discern what that looks like at this stage of my life.

Of course I really miss L&L's presences. LB was particularly good at massages with energy components. I've never known anyone better. LM (Lohain) was good, but didn't have that same talent. LM was good for deeply grounded relaxing-into-his-arms and feeling sheltered from the world. 

I realize that I haven't felt sheltered or protected since his death.
No wonder I feel so depleted.

I don't like buying shoes. "Necssary evil" pretty much sums up my attitude. My left foot is a half-size larger than my right, which makes it difficult to find a good fit. And shoes always cost far more than I think they should. I'd prefer to go barefoot or wear sandals, but that's not really an option most of the time. Historically I wear my shoes until they're falling apart, and then only reluctantly go out and buy new ones.

But recently I've been feeling uncomfortably aware of the fact that the not-getting-any-younger tennis shoes I've been wearing to work really don't look that good with my business casual wardrobe. I've been noticing the shoes my female colleagues wear, seeing some attractive, comfortable styles. . . and becoming self-conscious. That has never happened before. I have some nice black shoes, but my two favorite new outfits are brown, and my black shoes don't really go with them. Over the past few weeks I've gotten more and more anxious to go out and buy a nice pair of comfortable but pretty brown shoes for work.

I feel like checking to see if the Horsemen are mounting up. . .

When I buy shoes I always start at The Walking Store, which pretty much guarantees comfort and sturdiness. They have a nice range from sandals to business shoes to hiking shoes, and I found not only a lovely pair of brown shoes but a nice pair of black casual shoes. And because I got a sizeable tax return I was able to buy both, plus a few pairs of socks.

It was almost dizzying. . .

But now I can go to work on Tuesday feeling good about my entire appearance. . . which I think is also connected to my personal springtime. I just haven't cared much about anything since Lohain's death, and since I've always been rather casual about my own appearance, it's been an even lower priority -- but the combination of feeling more satisifed and more ambitious about my day job, plus my overall improved well-being is making me start to pay attention. I hope I'll never be overly concerned about my appearance, but I think that this is a healthy shift for me.

What is your preferred way to compile and make easily accessible recipes from a wide variety of sources? I have several cookbooks with a small number of recipes I like, recipe cards of widely varying sizes, a few sheets of printer paper, and online bookmarks.

I want to do better at meal planning, but can never remember all of what I have that I like.

After starting out my SparkPeople program with great energy, I've been doing next to nothing for the last month and more: not weighing myself, not tracking my intake, not drinking 8 glasses of water per day, not exercising. That lack of focus and progress was not just in the area of health and fitness, however; I've been experiencing inertia pretty much everywhere in my life.

However, I was startled and pleased to get on the scale this morning and find out that I have not gained any weight back. This is a major accomplishment for me, and means that I've been making meaningful changes in my basic habits.

That was tested this afternoon when a very droopy Wolfling came home from her first day of school and my plans for the rest of the day went out the window. I engaged with her about her school day and helped her get started with good organizing habits, but it was like pulling teeth. She wasn't sullen, she was just listless and didn't seem engaged.

I ended up leaving her home to grocery shopping, having a headache and feeling hungry. I made a point of avoiding the McDonalds drivethrough that shares a parking lot with the grocery store. I stopped at a mailbox store to mail some important documents, but that didn't work out. While shopping, I had a phone call with my parents that added to my stress. The fact that part of the conversation was about the upcoming funeral of a dear friend of the family didn't help. The fact that the funeral is now scheduled opposite my many-times-delayed lunch with a_belletrist also didn't help. Then there were the back-and-forth emails with another friend about logistical details for this weekend that are up in the air.

By the time I left the grocery store my head was feeling even worse, and my non-rational brain was screaming at me that I deserved some fast comfort food because of the stress in my life, and that I would feel much better if I got some.

Somewhere I found the clarity to tell myself gently but firmly that drive-through would not actually make anything better, but only further delay my achieving my weight loss goals. I came home and had a Lean Cuisine meal instead. It didn't give me the emotional soothing that I know the fast food would have, but I feel better about myself.

Tomorrow we start our meal plan for the week, and I have the ingredients we need. (Pot roast! Veggies! Biscuits!) The older Wolfling gets, the more important it feels to me to try to do better at having dinner being something planned and deliberate. She's taking a "Food" course this semester, and I'm sure that will help as well.

The interview went very well yesterday. The CEO told me that he'd like me to meet with a couple of his VP's, and that he'd make an introduction for me to the CEO of the local science center. "The goal," he said, "is for each of these people to continue to introduce you to others."

He did let me know that they're not doing a lot of hiring now -- like so many other places. However there is always turnover. I need to keep my eyes on the jobs pages -- and perhaps hope that one of these folks will think of me before a new position hits the public notices.

It was an enjoyable conversation. I'd done enough homework to feel comfortable discussing the high points of the organization's recent history, which helped a lot. It also helped a lot that he opened by saying a lot of nice things about my dad, which is always nice.

I need to write a thank-you note. . .

Yesterday morning I went into the kitchen and stepped in a bit of water. It was seeping out from under a couple of boxes of recycling, so I thought it was simply excess moisture from the containers. I put a towel down, took Wolfling off on a jaunt, and forgot about it.

This morning I went into my kitchen and foud a distinct pool of water in the same place.

When the weather got hot, I found out that the ice maker in my freezer didn't work. The head of maintenance came by and discovered that the water source had been turned off at the wall. He turned it on, told me to toss the first few sets of ice that came out -- or to call him if the ice maker still didn't work and he'd get it fixed immediately. No ice was forthcoming. I called and left a message for him, and never heard back.

I'm assuming the water in my kitchen is the result of the faulty ice maker.

Fortunately, my phone call to the office a little while ago resulted in the immediate dispatch of a maintenance guy, and he is now working on the problem.

I really, really did not expect to have to deal with even minor flooding in my third floor apartment!!

ETA:

Maintenance Guy (scratching his head): I've never seen anything like this. We just put in a brand new valve and a brand-new ice maker, and it still doesn't work. The ice maker cycles, but the valve doesn't open. It tries a few times and then just stops. The only thing I can think of is that they sent us bad parts. We're going to go out and get some new parts and see if that works.

Me: Well. . . I have weird karma around water. . .

ETA 2
Maintenance Guy: In 17 years I have never had this much trouble with an ice maker!

I haven't gamed much in recent years, and it's been at least a decade since I spent more than five or six hours in a single session -- much less than twelve hours we did yesterday and the five or six hours the day before. I finally was able to sleep in this morning, but my body is utterly confused by the marathon drives, unusual energy work, marathon gaming sessions, very late nights and early mornings, and then sleeping in.

I need a long shower, my daily energy/spiritual practice cycle, a moderate-length gentle walk in the sunshine and fresh air, and a healthy meal, followed by a regular night's sleep.

I'm spending this morning working on a document called "The Life I Want."

At the moment it is lists of what I need to do to create the life I want, ranging from logistics for my spiritual direction business to preparing to meet with my financial advisor next week, to making lists of the friends I need to connect with, to personal spiritual work and getting back in the swing of my fitness plan. Pretty much everything is a task I can do easily and soon. Some may take more effort than others, but none are beyond my skills or strength.

Marcus: I spy with my little eye something beginning with B.
Franklin: Boxes
Marcus: I spy with my little eye something beginning with M.
Franklin: More boxes. And that's when I shot him, your honor.
Marcus: I spy with my little eye something beginning with E.
Franklin: I don't know. . .
Marcus: Come on!
Franklin: This better not be what I. . .
Together: Even More Boxes

Yes, I'm still unpacking.

I was certain that today was going to be the "pull it all back together" day -- except that last night I had a sore throat, and I'm still not feeling great today. In fact, I want to go back to bed again.

I'm tired of being stressed out, tired of boxes everywhere and not having places to put everything. I'm tired of being off my diet and not exercising, but feeling too run-down to exert myself.

I'm tired of being too tired and strung out to really focus on my spiritual practices.

End whinging.


Time to commit to gentle but purposeful forward motion today. I don't have to accomplish everything, or do it with verve. I just have to emulate Turtle and pursue my goals in a slow but persistent fashion. And maybe take a nap this afternoon.