Queen of Swords

I had a very startling inner world experience the other night which may have been a past life memory or something built on a resonance, and I wanted to find out if any of what I experienced is corroborated by any lore that my friends may know or any personal gnosis. It may also have been simply a potent experience that has no specific connection to a past life, but wove together current influences into a setting based on the past.

For reasons I'm not going to go into here, I had invoked Tiwaz to help me go within and get in touch with a true part of my past life history in which I had blessed a particular warrior before he went into battle. What I experienced was unlike anything I've ever imagined, written fiction about, or had come up in any kind of inner world expeirence.

This is what I wrote in my journal:

[I didn't frame a deliberate intention, but the scene took place outdoors at night, next to a fire.]

As I focused on him, and what I wanted/needed to do to bless and protect him, I found a large drum and beater in my hands. I was chanting. I don't know what the words were or what they meant, but they were harsh and shrieking. As I settled further into the vision, I had the sudden conviction that I was channeling Crow -- Battlecrow, to be exact. I was dressed in black, and I was invoking Crow's spirit onto the warrior to protect him (to not be chosen as food), and to guide his spear with swift and accurate flight, and to give him the power to choose the slain: his enemies. As I looked at myself from the outside, I saw Crow in my eyes, and felt myself very close to the Morrigan -- or some kindred deity. I was in deep communion with the Queen of Battles. I jumped and danced wildly, flapping my arms like wings and screaming/cawing incomprehensible words.

The thing is that when I frist went into the vision, I very specifically was going to Northern location. Even within my vision I was startled by the sense of being in touch with someone like the Morrigan, because I didn't connect her to where I was (nor do I have any personal tie to her). In fact, I had explicitly asked Tiwaz to help me touch something real. The images of the spear reminded me of Odin -- someone I have encountered only briefly but potently in this life -- but I kept feeling feminine energy. I asked about Freya while I was within the vision, but that wasn't right either.

I'm not attached to this connecting with anything real, but I am very curious if it matches anything anyone else knows about. . .

I went gift shopping yesterday; didn't find what I was looking for, but found an unexpected treasure: a beautiful sculpture of Tiwaz with his hand in Fenrir's mouth. The photos don't do it justice, particularly not to the god's face.


Click photos twice for full size.







The box is erroneously labeled "Tyr Battling Fenrir." The whole point is that it was not a battle. It was cunning and treachery and deliberate self-sacrifice.

The label may be wrong, and I would have depicted the wolf as being much larger -- but the statue vividly captures Tyr's resolve the moment before the wolf's jaws close.

If you've been reading along and missed alfrecht's comment on my Persephone/sovereignty post, you may want to go back and glance at it. It seems that a word that insisted in being included had a deeper implication than I realized -- and more associations.

Last night, I was just settling onto the couch with Wolfling to snuggle, after writing that previous entry and then reading alfrecht's comment, when my phone alarm beeped to remind me it was time for my regular Tuesday evening household altar rite with Tiwaz and LM. I don't believe this! I cried, suddenly having a new appreciation of the term "god bothered."

I went to the altar and addressed myself to Tiwaz, but my head was still pretty much spinning from everything that had already happened, and it was hard to concentrate. I made sure to say my usual thanks for the safety and prosperity of our household, and then made what has been a recently habitual prayer for help in having the income I need to support myself and Wolfling comfortably.

For the first time, I felt some resistance. This is something I'm going to have to test with divination, but what I thought I was getting in response was a firm caution that we would be taken care of, but that I need to let go of some of my own expectations about what is best for Wolfling and what level of affluence I live in. There were some strong urges to follow through on some thoughts I've had about selling some excess stuff I've accumulated over the years, reducing my need for "x" amount of space, and being more conservative with my money.

I thought of more than one LJ friend who is a spirit worker of some kind, and whose focus is so much demanded on their Work that they are not able to maintain the kind of job(s) that they might otherwise have.

I've never had the career I grew up expecting to have. Over the past few years, I've said that it's been because I've not had the right kind of ambition for one, that I never knew what I wanted to be and didn't feel like putting out the effort for something I didn't want; maybe what's been going on at a deeper level has been preparation for this stage of my life when I'm to focus on Work rather than career.

Certainly I've been thinking for a while that the less I "need" to maintain, the more choices and flexibility I'll have when considering jobs -- both vocational (spirit related) and "day job."

I won't pretend that I wasn't troubled by what I thought I was hearing last night -- even as I found it somewhat ironic that after all I had just experienced I was worried about the gods somehow not taking care of me.

It was very hard to fall asleep last night. My head was still spinning. Finally I realized that despite all I had just been through and all I had written here and to a couple of friends, I had not yet addressed myself to Persephone directly. *headdesk

So I spent a few minutes doing that: thanking her for her attention and messages, telling her that I looked forward to learning more about what she has in mind, and etc. Honestly, I don't remember most of it. She didn't feel close yet, not like Ereshkigal. I did feel Ereshkigal last night, and She was smiling -- with a bit more pleasure and warmth than usual. I seem to be on the right path.

Strange, dense dreams last night, including an appearance by Bear -- in the midst of a bunch of other animals. But while many of them came closer -- even into my house -- Bear looked at me and wandered off into the woods. Bear has been my ally for many years, although I've never done the kind of close personal work that would develop that relationship more deeply. This morning, the only animal I remember being in my house was a large gorilla who mauled my breast.

I'm still feeling more than a bit overwhelmed this morning. . .

My grocery store has a large display of pomegranates. I guess I'll be picking one up soon. .

I did my full practices last night, as well as a deep meditation with LM and the goddesses.

As I was aligning myself with the goddesses I apologized for my recent slackness. I was reassured that yes, things have been unusual recently, and they don't expect perfection. Ereshkigal told me that She was satisfied that when She did tap me, I responded promptly. Of course, it's always better to not fall of the practice wagon and need that tap in the first place, but it's also nice to be accepted as human.

I also revised my practice log for the week: removing the Tree of Life notebook line item (finished on the way to P-con), added "Morning Alignment" (tuning in to the goddesses each morning, something I haven't done before), and bolding "Devotional Writing" -- as I really need to do some serious work on the Ereshkigal Devotional. I should add that the "devotional" refers not just to the project but to the pure act of writing for/with Herself, as a tool for deepening that connection. I use the written word to connect deeply with myself and with other people. I believe I can also use it to connect more deeply with Her -- and Inanna.

Last night I also thanked Inanna for the influx of erotic energy into my life and the healing that has accompanied it. I thanked for her part in my ordination, and told her that I'm looking forward to getting to know her more deeply again.

I started my meditation by aligning myself with LM and my three patrons: Ereshkigal, Inanna and Tiwaz (who had also forged a deeper connection with me recently -- more about which later). It was an awesome and deeply gratifying experience to feel them close to me, and in particular to be more deeply aware of Tiwaz's protection of my home. At first I was feeling kind of amazed at the thought of them coming when I called -- but I was informed, with one of Ereshkigal's slightly less edged smiles, that it's the other way around: they are always present, always desirous of my company and attention (although not as supplicants, of course!). It is I who respond to their call.

This evening I started my usual offering to Tiwaz -- and was stopped dead with a hard look and a pointed question about a task I had been given to do.

No, sir, I have not yet written the email to the contact my spiritual director gave me about doing spiritual direction with Pagan soldiers.

And I should be willing to receive your offering why when you have not fulfilled the very simple obligation you willingly took on at my behest?

No reason in the world, my lord.

Do it. Now. I have nothing else to say to you until you do.

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.


And yes, once I'd written and sent the email he was perfectly happy to accept the drink offering and my thanks for his protection of my daughter, my house, and me.

On Saturday morning, before I left for the island, I had some strong feelings about what I was and was not to wear. I was not to wear my wolf wedding ring (although the white gold band was fine). I was not to wear LM's heavy shirt (which I like to wear as a jacket over a tank top). I was to wear the Tiwaz rune medallion.

I had not felt called to do any particular work on the island, just to bring my teacher to a very special place. She had work to do, it turned out, and I was happy to stand guard at the entrance to the labyrinth and bear witness -- and to greet the spirit of an old comrade who joined a larger company of spirits who were being blessed. It's not my work to discuss, save to say that the Tiwaz rune was appropriate for what transpired.

This evening I did my every-Tuesday blot for Tiwaz, and in addition to discussing the household, especially security, he thanked me for my part in the working -- and then went a step further. Pray for the soldiers, he told me. He didn't ask any specifics beyond that, leaving it up to my discretion. But the directive was clear.

It is a responsibility I am happy to take on, for I have always loved and honored warriors. I frequently deplore the way they are used by those who make policy, but I have always felt admiration for the men and women who live out the archetype of the Warrior with courage and honor. Besides, part of my particular expression of the hierodule path is mediating healing to men who have been wounded in their minds and souls as a result of participation in war. I am not in a position to offer healing with my body right now -- but I can still act as a priestess and pray for healing for those who have served (the living and the dead), and who continue to serve.