Queen of Swords

During the Soldier's Heart book group we learned a discussion protocol called "Final Word."

Each person selects a relatively brief quotation from the book. Person One tells the others where to find the passage and then waits for everyone else to turn to that page. Person One reads the quote, then the person to their left shares their reactions, thoughts, etc. to the passage. Each person speaks in turn, without interruptions or questions. The person who selected the quote is the last to speak, getting "the final word." Then the person to their left shares a quote and the process repeats.

It turned out to be a very effective process for sharing and exploration. We didn't have time to discuss each line of the book in-depth, but this protocol allowed each person to highlight something that had the greatest impact on them, and for each of us to reflect on it and gain insight from each other -- not just about the book but about each other.

I found it especially satisfying because I like to speak my truth by phrasing it with the listener in mind. Having "the final word" meant that I felt I could share far more effectively because I had already heard how the others had reacted to the passage.

The quotation I chose was: Warriorhood is not a role but a psychospiritual identity, an achieved condition of a mature, wise and experienced soul.

As I shared with the group, reading this was like finding at least a partial answer to a question I had carried with me for years. Since late adolescence I have been drawn to the archetype of The Warrior, regarding it with deep respect and admiration. I have both wished to embrace it and known that it is not part of who I am. I am not a warrior, but there is a complementary aspect to my spirit which answers to it.

That spiritual/archetypal reverence has been challenged, however, by the ugliness of warfare, and my personal dismay about the the conflicts of the last few decades. It was hard to feel a desire to honor The Warrior while feeling such deep opposition to the wars in which my country has been engaged. I suspected that my attraction to the Warrior was a romantic, naive illusion, the product of too many adventure stories.

This quotation was a partial answer to my dilemma. It appears in the introduction of a book which deplores much of the way modern wars are fought and the injury it does the souls of soldiers, many of whom enlisted in search of a way to embrace the Warrior archetype and the virtues it represents. (It also addresses civilians, families, and others who are caught up in it, but this quote is about the Warriors.)

The whole book is an elaboration of why the author believes warriorhood is "a psychospiritual condition" and what his work with veterans has led him to believe is necessary for veterans to complete the initiatory journey of becoming warriors. It's powerful, fascinating stuff.

And yes, part of the reason I like it so much is that it answers and affirms those paradoxical longings I've carried with me for so many years.

This evening at a group meeting, one person referenced a story she had heard from a professor, which she believed had been taken from Celtic lore: that when returning from battle, warriors stopped to bathe at each of seven pools, each of which was cooler than the one before it. The idea was that by the time they reached home, their battle rage had been cooled.

Does anyone have an actual reference for this story?

A few days ago I started reading a book called What Was Asked Of Us: An Oral History of the Iraq War by the Soldiers Who Fought It.

The use of the past tense in the title tweaks me a little, because obviously the war is still going on; there are still soldiers stationed in and fighting in Iraq. But the interviews were done with men and women who had returned after their deployments. (Some of them went back to Iraq for later tours.)

I picked up the book for two reasons. The first is that although my progress has been very, very slow, I still feel a strong call to work with veterans as a spiritual director. Lacking military experience myself, it seems both wise and respectful to learn more about what it's like to serve in a war zone. The second is that Michael has been in Iraq since last fall, and -- as is apparently the case with many -- his emails don't talk much about the specifics of what he's doing or what it's like to be there. I felt a need to understand more about what he's going through, but didn't want to push questions he's already deflected.

Reading the book has been an eye-opening and disturbing experience -- and stripped me of my ability to be in denial about the degree of danger Michael is in. (He has been downplaying the risk, not wanting those who love him to worry about him.) It's also made me wonder what kinds of wounds he's concealing behind the tired-but-usually-cheerful mood of his emails and chats. The concept of "soldiering on" is taking on an entirely new depth of meaning for me. There is so much -- on so many levels -- that has to be set aside, ignored, put on hold in order to keep going and do what they have to do.

I sent him an email yesterday in which I told him about the book, and that it made me want to know more about the degree to which the experiences of these soldiers in 2004-2005 are like what he experiences, but that I also didn't want to pry. He sent back the most frank account yet of what he's actually experiencing, including a particular incident that was so tragic I haven't been able to get it out of my head. Part of me wants to share it, because the details are so important to what I've been thinking about since then, but I don't have the right. Such stories belong to those who were there, not to those who hear them, not without permission to re-tell them, and not without a much deeper understanding of the circumstances than I have. Suffice to say that there is no one touched by the incident for whom I do not weep.

I'm learning a lot from this book -- but I'm acutely aware that my 'knowledge' barely skims the surface of the realities of the experience, and I'm humbled by that. But it also intensifies my belief that I really do need to do whatever is necessary to be able to provide meaningful service to veterans whose spiritual paths are resonant with my own: get a mentor, get training, find a way to plug in. . .

Michael sent me the contact information for a group called Soldiers Heart, which is "a veterans’ return and healing project addressing the emotional and spiritual needs of veterans, their families and communities." I'm upset that there was a three-day retreat/training session in my area at the first of this month that I missed. But there's also a local coordinator I've reached out to.

Spiritual direction is not counseling and it's not therapy. A lot of it is simply listening. A lot of it is simply showing up and being present and bearing witness and holding the space. I don't have to be an expert in PTSD diagnosis and treatment, for example -- but I would be remiss if I didn't get a better understanding of it than I have now.

It would be easy to be intimidated by the task, but what I feel more than anything is the immensity of the need for services like mine. Not for "me" as some kind of savior, but for anyone who is willing to be there, to listen, to walk beside -- not provide answers, but to share the process of grappling with the questions, of seeking light.

My next book is called War and the Soul, by Edward Tick, the founder of Soldiers Heart. What I've read of his articles on the website resonates with me on a very deep level.


And something else just clicked at a very deep level. . . I have always conceptualized the role of the hierodule as having several aspects. One of these is the task of receiving warriors as they return from war to the community and helping them to heal and to re-integrate. As with several other aspects of the hierodule role, although it is usually characterized as sexual, it does not have to be. Over the past month I've put a lot of energy into working out how my self-understanding as a hierodule can exist at all given the changes in my sexuality. Doing spiritual direction with veterans is one way I can continue to walk that path without bringing my personal sexuality into the relationship.

Remembering and honoring those who have taken on the duties and the risks of serving in the military.

I have not always agreed with the decisions made by those who choose where and why to fight, but I still honor those who have put their life on the line for something more than themselves. I honor those who uphold the ideals of courage, honor, loyalty, fraternity, excellence. I honor those who stand between the predators and those whom they would make their prey.

I pray for peace, and -- lacking that -- wisdom and discretion and honor in the choices made by those who are responsible for the lives and the deadly force represented by the warriors of our world.

I honor _storyteller_ who is back in Iraq and always in my prayers.

I honor uncrowned_king

I honor strandsofchaos and gwynt_y_storm.

I honor Hob.

On Saturday morning, before I left for the island, I had some strong feelings about what I was and was not to wear. I was not to wear my wolf wedding ring (although the white gold band was fine). I was not to wear LM's heavy shirt (which I like to wear as a jacket over a tank top). I was to wear the Tiwaz rune medallion.

I had not felt called to do any particular work on the island, just to bring my teacher to a very special place. She had work to do, it turned out, and I was happy to stand guard at the entrance to the labyrinth and bear witness -- and to greet the spirit of an old comrade who joined a larger company of spirits who were being blessed. It's not my work to discuss, save to say that the Tiwaz rune was appropriate for what transpired.

This evening I did my every-Tuesday blot for Tiwaz, and in addition to discussing the household, especially security, he thanked me for my part in the working -- and then went a step further. Pray for the soldiers, he told me. He didn't ask any specifics beyond that, leaving it up to my discretion. But the directive was clear.

It is a responsibility I am happy to take on, for I have always loved and honored warriors. I frequently deplore the way they are used by those who make policy, but I have always felt admiration for the men and women who live out the archetype of the Warrior with courage and honor. Besides, part of my particular expression of the hierodule path is mediating healing to men who have been wounded in their minds and souls as a result of participation in war. I am not in a position to offer healing with my body right now -- but I can still act as a priestess and pray for healing for those who have served (the living and the dead), and who continue to serve.

I finally watched Pan's Labyrinth last night when _storyteller_ was visiting. Everything you've heard about it is true. It's visually gorgeous, with a powerful, mythic story.

My pleasure in the movie was enhanced by _storyteller_'s knowledge of fairy lore, which surpasses my own. In several cases, he made observations about what kind of magical creature or tale we were seeing which were proven to be entirely accurate as the story progressed. The fidelty of the filmmakers to the source material made the story even more satisfying to me.

In short:
Storytelling - wonderful.
Fidelity to actual myth and lore - admirable.
Cinematography - breathtaking.
Performances - excellent.

Our only complaint?
The complete lack of actual military know-how demonstrated by the army commanded by the villain. The most obvious example of this was the way that the commander's step-daughter and two adult spies were able to come and go from headquarters at all hours of the day or night without anyone noticing a thing! Particularly since they were in a rural setting, surrounded by guerrilas, and aware that they had at least one informer in their midst! No one should have been able to enter or leave the grounds -- much less the house itself -- without it being noted and reported.

It didn't spoil the story, but it was a distraction.

If you haven't seen this movie yet, you need to rent it.

This version has a few more details than the one on my primary journal.


Lots of intense dreams last night. The most important was the one just before waking.

I had returned to the SCA, and was wandering alone to/through an event for which many people were sitting on a hill, almost on bleachers. I took my place in one of the free spaces toward the bottom, but was quickly hailed by former McFlandry's toward the top (can't remember who now). There were others near me as well who greeted me. The Gunner was there at some point.

( Challenges, testing, and an unexpected old friend )