In Which I Explain "Rules of Engagement" to Wolfling

[qos]

Wolfling has a small pack of friends she runs with here at our apartment complex -- and she has a very firm sense of identity as the pack's alpha.

Last week she came home and told me about a mini drama that had just occurred. Her friend Annie had confesssed to Wolfling and to Craig, a boy slightly younger than themselves, that she had a crush on someone at school. Craig, not the nicest kid at the best of times, immediately started mocking Annie and told her that everyone in that family hated her. Annie burst into tears and ran away.

"So I slapped Craig," Wolfling finished -- sounding both satisfied and defensive.



To be honest, although I've always encouraged Wolfling to be ready to fight fiercely if she was ever threatened, I never expected to have her tell me that she'd struck someone else without having been attacked first. It took me a few long seconds to process what she had told me and make a decision about how I was going to react.

To be honest, one of my first respones was satisfaction. I was glad she stuck up for her girlfriend and defended her. However, I simply could not condone striking another kid for saying mean things.

So I told her that what she had done was not acceptable. I said that I understood and approved her impulse to stick up for Annie, but it should have been done a different way. She immediately expressed contrition and said that as soon as she'd done it she'd apologized to Craig.

Wolfling works best by giving her small bits of information -- and emotion -- at a time and letting her process them. I told her that hitting someone in response to words was not appropriate, and I expected her to never do it again. We talked about other things she could have done to express displeasure with Craig and stick up for Annie.

Last night I brought it up again, framing it this way: I think you had a wolf response to Craig. As the alpha, you saw a member of the pack misbehaving and you responded with non-lethal force -- but that doesn't work in human society. And it will get you suspended if you do it at school.

I told her that I am never, ever going to tell her that she can never hit anyone. She needs to feel free to fight as hard as she can in the appropriate situations. I introduced her to the concept of Rules of Engagement, which define when, where, and how force is used. Her basic rule is that she should not use force against someone else unless she has been attacked or has reason to believe she is in physical danger -- or to assist someone else who is being attacked. I also warned her to be especially careful in choosing how she responds at school, because she can be suspended if she's trying to defend someone but ends up being judged to have been "fighting." In which case, she would have my support, but we'd still have to deal with the suspension.


I told this story to my team at work this week as we were sharing kid stories. I was really surprised when all of them responded immediately with You go, girl! It kind of bothered me that people didn't take it seriously. Obviously I'm not freaking out about the incident, but I am taking it seriously.

I think it's because I see the ability to defend one's self -- or harm others -- physically being philosophically on the same spectrum as handling a weapon. One needs to know and understand the dangers, limitations, and rules about exercising its use appropriately. I don't want my daughter to think that "girl power" is an excuse for resorting to violence. I want her to take such things seriously, and make choices for which she understands the consequences.

ETA (in response to a comment by poliphilo):

There's definitely a gender bias in action in the perception of my co-workers. If Wolfling were a boy who had slapped a girl who said something mean, no one would have cheered, and I would have been judged a bad mother who hadn't taught her son how to control his violent impulses.

I think that's another reason why I responded as I did. I don't like double standards.

Comments

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Isn't it interesting how almost everyone's immediate reaction is "You go, girl"? It was mine too. But you're right. There are rules of engagement- and one should study and observe them.

[qos.livejournal.com]

There's definitely a gender bias. If Wolfling were a boy who had slapped a girl who said something mean, no one would have cheered, and I would have been judged a bad mother who hadn't taught her son how to control his violent impulses.

I think that's another reason why I responded as I did. I don't like double standards.

[red-the-squeaky.livejournal.com]

You are an awesome mom.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I try very, very hard.

[heron61.livejournal.com]

There's definitely a gender bias in action in the perception of my co-workers. If Wolfling were a boy who had slapped a girl who said something mean, no one would have cheered, and I would have been judged a bad mother who hadn't taught her son how to control his violent impulses.

That is the precise problem. We live in a culture that doesn't take women's anger or aggression seriously, or at least considers it far less serious than male anger and aggression. There is still a deep and lingering level where underneath vast strides towards equality, men are considered by their very nature dangerous and women by their very nature helpless, or at best harmless, which is toxic and wrong for everyone involved. Similarly, as I discuss here, weakness (both emotional and physical) is treated very differently in men and women, even among most progressives, and that's similarly problematic.

In any case, you are definitely an awesome parent.

[rebeccax.livejournal.com]

Good work!!!

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

You handled this very well. I particularly like that you expressed there is a time and a place for using physical force, but you pointed out attacking first is unfair. Too many times kids are told, "Don't hit!" and then they don't hit when they should.

[rebeccax.livejournal.com]

Especially women. How many times has an unfortunate incident been described with "I didn't want to make a fuss/make noise/people to think I'm a bitch?" Too freakin' many.

[qos.livejournal.com]

I didn't want to make a fuss/make noise/people to think I'm a bitch

Exactly.

[mankycat.livejournal.com]

That was an excellent way to handle the situation. I'm impressed.

Rules of Engagement

[gothic-coop.livejournal.com]

The use of force continuum are guidelines how much force may be used against a resisting subject in a given situation. But the main thing that they are guidelines and not rules that should be held to the letter, that can put you in harms way.

I would not have condoned the slapping for that reason, but I am never going to let my daughters not use force in dealing with situations.

[queenofhalves]

i think you handled that very well.

a male friend, in high school, would respond to bullies by speaking to them calmly and at great length about how mean they were being and how bad they were making other people feel. he sent a few of them running with his sheer persistence and fearlessness.