Queen of Swords

Just back from KinkFest (my first time there), which was an incredible, sacred time -- and so much easier than Pantheacon!

I attended with the new man in my life, to whom I am both lover and priestess -- a delicate situation in many ways, but I don't know of any other way (at this time) to do the work I was called to with him. And he is giving me so much in return: enabling me to experience love and passion and touch again after my many years of grief and isolation. LM is still my husband, but X is indeed my lover and my friend. He's doing a lot of hard work -- "Grasping the nettle" as my own teacher would say -- and it's inspiring to watch his courage and commitment. And he's fun to be with too.

Last night and this morning I was given a special blessing by him. Without going into too many TMI details, he taught me a way to experience pleasure that is entirely new to me. Even my beloved LM and Michael, as skilled as they were, did not do this kind of subtle, focused, amazing kind of stimulation while telling me to "relax" and "float" and "just ride it."

This Queen of Swords, despite being very passionate and a sexual submissive, has not been very good at letting go sexually, much to my own frustration and often that of my partners. X has opened up a whole new way for me to experience and process pleasure that makes "letting go" far less of an issue.

It was amazing.

Or did I mention that?

Anyway. . . in the midst of this exquisite pleasure this morning I started laughing -- which threw X off at first, but I assured him all was well. I kept laughing on and off until we were done, and then I explained to X what was so damn funny. . . .

My primary elements are Air and Fire. I don't have a lot of Earth and -- as many of you know -- I can be downright hostile with Water. (And it's been mutual at times, as the multiple floodings of my old basement home can attest.)

A year or so ago I was having a phone conversation with my teacher and Scotty, one of her inner world contacts. I forget the topic of conversation that led up to it, but Scotty told me, through my teacher, that it was probably time I started coming to terms with Water. My response was "Oh no!" and a surge of fight-or-flight adrenaline.

Well, it turns out that X has a lot of Water in him, and the experiences he gave me during the past 24 hours were very much Water-aligned. And it was so very wonderful. And as I was lying there in bliss I remembered that conversatio with Scotty and had to laugh at how sneaky -- and generous -- the gods can be about Their lessons.

I've been keeping the Queen of Cups card from the Robin Wood Tarot on the shelf of my desk for a couple of weeks now.

Those who know me best will understand just how radical that is.

I love the Druidcraft image (the icon for this post) but she's very regal and subdued -- qualities which are very comfortable for me. The RW Queen of Cups has always seemed flamboyant and bold -- which is a big part of the reason why I've never felt comfortable with her.

I know that others probably don't see those qualities the way I do. This is all about my discomfort with Water.
And my issues with my sister.

The deeper I get in my priestess studies, and the more I look at the changes I need to make in my life to be truly satisfied in it, the more I realize tha it's (past) time I claimed my own gutsiness those qualities in the areas she represents.
First I have to get comfortable with them, of course.
I'm working on it. . .

Hopefully this queen will be able to help.

I have been here well over an hour.

During that time I have watered five or six young trees.

The rest of the time has been spent wrestling with very long hoses, non-strategically placed pumps, nozzles, nettles, and thistles. I still have not managed to get a working hose configuration after reaching the limit of the one I started with. I'm filthy, wet, and have a small nettle irritation on the side of my left hand. It rains lightly every so often, but not enough to do the trees any good, only enough to mock me.

The Queen of Swords chose a volunteer gig involving Water why?

I am taking a break to drink water and clear my head before starting over. Part of me just wants to flee, but that would be shameful. I refuse to be beaten by a garden hose, no matter how long and recalcitrant!

A lovely image of The Quest. . . .

( The 6 of Swords card from The Gilded Tarot )

All those mental breakthroughs of this week, all the transformations that my conscious mind is so pleased about? My subconscious is not happy. I just woke from a dream in which she reminded me why it's important to identify with Swords/Air and with my powerful Father -- and urged me to continue my resistance to Elemental Water.

( Scary hang-gliding, dangerous sea monsters, illusions, a powerless father, a hero debased, and my daughter left behind and then clinging to me. No -- It was not a pleasant dream at all. )

So, yeah. . . My subconscious is in an utter panic about the work I've been doing. Elemental Water is dangerous. Powerful father is good. Impotent father and water together = panic mode! Not even my daimon can protect me if I venture out into this territory.

This is me making nice with Water.

The bad news: a water pipe broke in our building and our water is shut off.

The good news: none of the flooding occurred in our house!!

More good news: the water will be turned on by 10pm.

Well, I'm back home again.
The road I usually take to work was closed down when I returned.
The highway was a mess.
I declared my commute over, called my boss, and told him I'd see him tomorrow.

I'm now sitting in my cozy home, with my gas fireplace going, and the rain still coming down outside -- although it finally seems to be easing up.

The downstairs of the apartment complex's office is flooded.

I am not flooded.