Keeping My Commitment
Aug. 5th, 2008 08:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosOne of my few regular rituals is a Tuesday night offering to Tiwaz. It's in my calendar as a repeating appointment at 8pm every week, with a 15-minute reminder warning.
Tonight, I kept pushing the "snooze" on the electronic gadget that holds my calendar. I wasn't doing anything important -- just noodling with a computer game. Finally, at around 8:30, I got up, lit the candle on my household altar, poured the vodka, offered my respects, gratitude and hospitality to Tiwaz, and then held up the bowl.
There were two things that were different tonight. The first was that although it's been several weeks since my initiation, this was the first time I perceived Tiwaz recognizing and acknowledging me as Ereshkigal's priestess. I don't know why.
Second, and more importantly: for the first time in all the months I've done this, I did not perceive him accepting the bowl and sharing the drink. In fact, he quite distinctly held himself back.
Puzzled, I tried to discern the reason. Was he declining to continue his protection of my household? No. Had he stopped working with LM? No. Was it because I was now a priestess of Ereshkigal and thus somehow no longer allowed to offer to him? No.
I couldn't figure it out, but decided I still wanted to salute him -- but I got the strong sense that I was not to drink either.
Step away from the altar was the only clear message I got.
So I did as I was told, and went into the kitchen to do a few things. While there, it suddenly dawned on me that I had given offense by treating the rite as something to be done "whenever". I had not shown respect for him or for my own intention. Tiwaz wasn't going to get angry at me about it, but he wasn't going to let it go without comment either.
Once I realized that, and acknowledged the truth of it, I felt that I could approach the altar again. I raised the bowl, offered my sincere apologies, had them accepted, and we concluded the rite as usual.
This isn't the first time I've let the timing of the ritual slip, but I have a feeling I'm going to be held to higher standards as time goes on.
Tonight, I kept pushing the "snooze" on the electronic gadget that holds my calendar. I wasn't doing anything important -- just noodling with a computer game. Finally, at around 8:30, I got up, lit the candle on my household altar, poured the vodka, offered my respects, gratitude and hospitality to Tiwaz, and then held up the bowl.
There were two things that were different tonight. The first was that although it's been several weeks since my initiation, this was the first time I perceived Tiwaz recognizing and acknowledging me as Ereshkigal's priestess. I don't know why.
Second, and more importantly: for the first time in all the months I've done this, I did not perceive him accepting the bowl and sharing the drink. In fact, he quite distinctly held himself back.
Puzzled, I tried to discern the reason. Was he declining to continue his protection of my household? No. Had he stopped working with LM? No. Was it because I was now a priestess of Ereshkigal and thus somehow no longer allowed to offer to him? No.
I couldn't figure it out, but decided I still wanted to salute him -- but I got the strong sense that I was not to drink either.
Step away from the altar was the only clear message I got.
So I did as I was told, and went into the kitchen to do a few things. While there, it suddenly dawned on me that I had given offense by treating the rite as something to be done "whenever". I had not shown respect for him or for my own intention. Tiwaz wasn't going to get angry at me about it, but he wasn't going to let it go without comment either.
Once I realized that, and acknowledged the truth of it, I felt that I could approach the altar again. I raised the bowl, offered my sincere apologies, had them accepted, and we concluded the rite as usual.
This isn't the first time I've let the timing of the ritual slip, but I have a feeling I'm going to be held to higher standards as time goes on.
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(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-06 02:52 pm (UTC)Trust me, it takes some work to stay in Right Relationship. And I managed to really do something not quite right, to the point where I was asked... well, do you really want an annulment? And I thought it through and realised the answer was NO. It took some work and time to rebuild into right relationship.
I wouldn't call it doing penance or paying a fine, but the work I'm doing to get back to right relationship with my God feels like that sometimes. It's more about showing willingness to reconnect and to make this a valued priority. And to do what is set before me, whether I wish to or not, because in the higher sense, I do wish to. It's the difference between will and Will to get thelemic about it.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-07 01:34 pm (UTC)