Queen of Swords

Dancing has never been one of "my things," but I've made a few attempts to change that over the past few years: Nia, belly dance, strip (at home). . . .  Nothing has really felt right. Last spring I tried belly dance again, with disappointing results (not very supportive class, cliquish group).

Last Wednesday I went to an "ecstatic dance" session at a dance studio one block from my office. 

It was wonderful!

The studio space isn't huge, but it's roomy enough for 30+ people to move freely. The main lights were dimmed and there were fairy lights around the edges of the mirrors. The facilitators set up an altar with a statue, electric candles, flowers, and loose oracle cards. 

The session started with a circle, general orientation, etc. The music started relatively low key and increased in intensity over a period of about 30 minutes. After the crescendo, it started decreasing in intensity. Movement was absolutely free. People of all ages and body types were moving in all kinds of ways. I felt more free and relaxed than I have in any other dance situation.

Much to my amusement, at one point I was doing some belly dance hip movements I'd never been able to do in belly dance class. (And boy did I feel it the next morning!) 

I didn't last the entire session, but it was perfectly okay to leave at any time. Even before that, a lot of people spent time sitting on the side of the room, lying down, stretching, or doing other, gentler movement. 

I'm looking forward to going back next week.

I've been having a difficult time figuring out what to say about the workshop. It was not what I expected at all, and far more challenging than I had expected.

It began conventionally enough, with a "talking cloth" (we didn't have a stick) passed around for people to introduce themselves and share briefly why they were there and what their hopes, fears and expectations were. Then one of the facilitators had us move one of our hands. Then we were to become aware of which part of our hand was leading the motion and then experiment with other leads: fingers, wrists, etc. Then we got on our feet and let different parts of our bodies move us around the room.

My experiences with Nia and my bellydancing videos were helpful here, because I was used to thinking about moving on multiple levels (low, middle, high) and both in front of and behind my torso. It was surprising and satisfying to feel that my movement vocabulary and awareness is larger than it was a couple of years ago.

All this was reasonably comfortable and familiar.

( And then for the unexpected: Dancing Blindfolded )

A dance duel between tap dancers and "Riverdance" dancers.

Starts kind of slow, but becomes wonderful.

Bonus: gorgeous, hunky men having a great time -- always wonderful to watch!





In the unlikely event that I ever direct West Side Story, I'm going to make sure that the Sharks and the Jets have strikingly different dance styles.

Don't wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Stride down there and light the thing yourself.


Found that at the beginning of the chapter called "Attitude" in Zaida: Belly Dancing for Older Women.

There's a woman I've met through work, an account manager for a new vendor, who I've connected with in a more than work-only perspective. We just had a valuable business conversation that ended with a more personal exchange.

I shared with her about Nia, and among the things she said to me about her own journey was this:

What new thing can I create with my body during this time?

She is training for a triathlon, and preparing for foot surgery next year, and is thinking about different ways to train and relate to her body during that recovery time. She's in a very different place than I am. But the idea of "creating something" with her body, in loving collaboration, struck me as being a powerful concept for me right now.


And speaking of Nia: I got back to class for the first time in a couple of weeks last night, and I felt it. My endurance was down and my lower back protested at a couple of points. But I also achived a personal milestone that reflects other movement and openings in my life: when we came to the point that we relax our knees, drop a few inches and swing our hips freely, I was actually able to swing my hips freely, rather than just move them side to side in a stiff and inhibited manner.


Sometime in the next few days I really need to write a major post about some major shifts in my life.

I won't be able to do it tonight, however. Tonight I'm taking Wolfling to Wednesday night salsa, even though it's a school night. ;-)

One of the more interesting conversations I've had with my therapist has been around the topic of my feelings about engaging in regular exercise or active recreational pursuits. As my recent post "New Perspectives" described, I just haven't had an emotional connection to it -- and this kind of boggled my therapist. In fact, I got the impression that she's never before run into anyone who didn't have anything that was important to them that could be emotionally tied to fitness in a meaningful way.

For most of my life, my only desire to engage in exercise was motived by an intellectual understanding that it was An Important Thing to Do -- and while I enjoyed the positive results when I did it consistently, the satisfaction wasn't deep enough to be an ongoing motivator when stacked up against time and energy commitments to other things -- or outweigh simple inertia, sad to say.

But this morning, I want to dance more. I want to continue ballroom dancing classes and be able to get out on the floor during dance parties and have fun dancing well to a variety of music. I want to get out the short stack of bellydancing DVD's and books and do that too. I want to explore Nia and get some muscle in my moves.

The missing piece? The Erotic.

Erotic is one of those words that can be defined multiple ways, but for me it means "energy connection and exchange with the Other". That's what I've been achingly missing since my loss of L&L, and that's what I found -- in a much lower key but still real way -- last night on the dance floor, particularly with Jeremy.

My body has very little meaning or interest to me unless it's serving as a way for me to connect with another human being in an erotic way. Not necessarily a sexual way, but a way that involves energy touching, interacting. And because my mind is extremely erotic, I can have an erotic encounter without my body being involved in an overt way. Last night with Jeremy there was no sexual energy in our dancing, but the act of maintaining "tone" in our connection, moving our bodies together in harmony, following his lead, was definitely erotic.

One reason that bellydance hasn't "done it" for me in the past is that whether I'm doing it alone or in a class, it's a solitary activity, one in which my energy has never engaged with another's. I know that this exchange is possible, that others experience it, but there hasn't been enough in those first stages to get me past them. Maybe now that this aspect of myself is becoming more clear to my conscious mind, I'll be able to work with it in a positive way rather than just react on an instinctive level.


I strongly believe that this tipping point is being reached as a consequence of my spiritual practices, and specifically my recent message from Ereshkigal that I need to let go of a particular behavior pattern and replace it with something healthier, with Inanna's assistance. I was expecting some hard work, but it may be that my willingness to say "yes" has allowed for a lot to be done without my conscious need to struggle.

I'm not saying that I'm going to declare the issue resolved. This is all very fresh and exciting and new, and it's going to be meaningless unless I'm able to maintain it over time. But it's a delightful turn of events. I feel like I'm being taken care of.