Queen of Swords

In doing my discernment on the topic I posted about yesterday under a friends lock, my entire focus has been about me. Would this be good for me? was my primary question.

It is important, crucial even, to be attentive to one's own needs and welfare -- but when doing discernment about a choice that will have an impact on many people besides one's self, the question What impact would my saying yes or no have on the group? should also be asked.

I've been wrestling with this question for several weeks now, and this is the first time I thought to ask about the welfare of the group in addition to my own. That's sobering.

A priestess serves.

The form of that service is different for everyone.

This isn't about what's comfortable for me. It's about what the gods may be asking of me and how I can serve my community in an area I'm passionate about.

I've always been more than a little inward-focused, and the last four years have not helped in that regard. I think it's likely that I'm now being called to break out of that inward focus. That transition is likely to be awkward, even painful, but I work for Ereshkigal. The timing of this offer, coming very shortly after my Beltane initiation, is also significant. That in and of itself is a powerful suggestion that the gods are ready to move me out of my grief focus and deeper into life again.

Which is something I've been praying for.

I am held back primarily by my own fears of inadequacy, of letting down the group.

I don't get the sense that Ereshkigal finds that very convincing.

I am very, very pleased to be able to report that I did everything I intended to yesterday to prepare for and carry though on the Beltane instructions I received. I didn't make it to the workshop, but that was only because it was cancelled.

I spent *hours* cleaning my temple room and re-doing my altars, and it was very satisfying.

The observance itself was quite powerful, a combination of affirming and seeking integration with returning parts of myself and burning out things within me that were not of me and not serving me. We started with LM and I journeying to see Freyja, and she took a very active part in what followed. I'm not sure if what I experienced qualified as "aspecting" or not, but I definitely felt her spirit and presence within me, guiding some of my actions. I was still in control, but she was there too. I think it might qualify as the "me in the driver's seat, her in the front passenger seat" model of sharing.

Evidently the working generated some less-than-welcome attention, which I was able to handle with Ereshkigal's help.

The weather is absolutely gorgeous this morning. I need to clean the kitchen, but after that I am definitely going to head out to the island.

Standard disclaimer: These are my experiences. Mileage varies.


While exchanging comments with freyasman this morning, I realized for the first time that I've been using the term hieros gamos to refer to two different-but-related experiences.

The first one relates most closely to what is, for me, the primary source of the hieros gamos: the consecration of some of the kings of Sumer through ritual marriage to Inanna.

My first experience of this was a spontaneous magical-sexual act with LM in which I acted as a priestess to ritually redeem and reaffirm his kingly nature from/over his beastly nature. It was something that happened unexpectedly, but once we were engaged in the process it was very clear what was going on, and there were marked and lasting shifts in his character and demeanor afterward. As a priestess, I was empowered by my relationship with Inanna to be able to facilitate the transformation in my partner.

Although this particular encounter was not planned between LM and myself, this was a role I had been yearning to play for decades. I hadn't expected the form it would take, but I had long felt on a very deep level that part of my "job" is to affirm and consecrate kingship. I had no idea how I was ever going to do that in this day and age, unless it was in a roleplaying situation. I consider it great blessing that I was able to do it authentically. We continued to play and work with the priestess-king dynamic during our time together, but a true "king making" only happens once in a lifetime for a particular man.

One of the things LM and I need to continue to explore together is how to use the hieros gamos dynamic of priestess-king-sovereignty to do our Work. We have done one very powerful ritual that I realize at this moment I still can not write about here.

The second form I experience is closer to what I consider "sacred prostitution" rather than "sacred marriage." In this form, I am a hierodule, a "sacred slave" (hieros doulos -- although there may be more correct form of the Greek?), who acts as a vessel or conduit between a Goddess and a man who worships Her. In this situation I am aware of being the place where Goddess and man meet: Her energy coming through me to him, his worship in erotic form coming through me to Her. Neither is making love to me, although they both use my body, but I partake of the energies flowing through me and experience pleasure. In this role, it has always been Freyja whom I have served.

( More on power dynamics )

I had my spiritual direction appointment this afternoon, and it was one of the most challenging I've ever had, primarily because of the weird/fragile emotional state I've been in all day. I've told Tom a lot of wild stories over the past few years, stories about experiences and visions and rituals that would send a lot of conventional directors running for the hills -- but Tom has always listened with respect and sensitivity to everything, even when I've had to translate and/or explain the background.

One of the most siginificant things that's happened to me spiritually since our last meeting was the experience that led to my current inquiries about Freyja -- but I found it very difficult to talk about it. Granted, the details of how exactly my interest came to be aroused is not something I'd usually talk about (let's just say they would take a couple of different filters here) -- but usually I would feel comfortable talking about what happened after that first incident. Not today.

By the end of the session, I felt bound up in knots energetically.

And today was the day that he had asked me to do a tarot reading for him after our SD session. I wasn't sure it was going to work, then I felt a familiar tingling in my hands, and I knew that even though my energy had been strange all day, something was right to do the reading. So we did.

And it went very well. So well, in fact, that by the end of it all my energy felt like it was back in the proper alignment: both centered and flowing. And I felt very good about the reading, about how the cards fell and how I interpreted them. Tom told me that they gave him a good/different perspective on the issue he is working with, and that felt good.

Best of all, however, was the honor he did me by even asking me to do the reading -- and even more so by offering to trade the reading for my session with him this month.

By doing so, he implicitly expressed his belief that my gifts and my expertise were of equal worth and dignity to his own -- something I would not have presumed. (And even using that word makes me both cringe and shake my head at myself. I still have a way to go in the area of "owning my power".)

It was a good feeling. The fact that the reading went so well made it even better.

I felt honored.