qos | Entries tagged with public work

I have been learning quite a bit about myself over the past few weeks: how much I still need the challenge of intellectual pursuits, how much BDSM nurtures me even in the absence of a romantic partner, how my priestessing can work, where I still need to grow in terms of handling conflict with others. . . .

Two or more years ago, while shopping for Winter Solstice gifts for my teacher, I found a beautiful dragon pendant: silver curls with amber insets. It was expensive enough that I would not have bought it for myself, but I thought she would like it. But when I was assembling her gifts to send, it just didn't seem to fit. I took a chance on spoiling a surprise, called her, and asked if it sounded like something she would like. She said, essentially, "Thank you, but no -- not my style."

That pendant has sat on my dresser ever since. Until yesterday. And today. My dragon is rising. Rising in response to the intellectual challenge of graduate school. Rising in response to Odin's presence in my life. Rising in response to putting my body on the line in BDSM scenes. Rising in response to being called beautiful and hot and desireable. Rising in response to facilitating a public sacred sexuality group. Rising in response to daily spiritual practice which I created. Rising in response to reconnecting in new ways with some of my fundamental archetypes and mythic meta-story. Rising, rising, rising. . .

"A New Beginning" by Katerina Romanova

In doing my discernment on the topic I posted about yesterday under a friends lock, my entire focus has been about me. Would this be good for me? was my primary question.

It is important, crucial even, to be attentive to one's own needs and welfare -- but when doing discernment about a choice that will have an impact on many people besides one's self, the question What impact would my saying yes or no have on the group? should also be asked.

I've been wrestling with this question for several weeks now, and this is the first time I thought to ask about the welfare of the group in addition to my own. That's sobering.

A priestess serves.

The form of that service is different for everyone.

This isn't about what's comfortable for me. It's about what the gods may be asking of me and how I can serve my community in an area I'm passionate about.

I've always been more than a little inward-focused, and the last four years have not helped in that regard. I think it's likely that I'm now being called to break out of that inward focus. That transition is likely to be awkward, even painful, but I work for Ereshkigal. The timing of this offer, coming very shortly after my Beltane initiation, is also significant. That in and of itself is a powerful suggestion that the gods are ready to move me out of my grief focus and deeper into life again.

Which is something I've been praying for.

I am held back primarily by my own fears of inadequacy, of letting down the group.

I don't get the sense that Ereshkigal finds that very convincing.

I've been avoiding silence, avoiding it a lot -- but this morning I finally sat down in the middle of my living room in half-lotus, turned off the music, and dared the silence.

The words came immediately, gently but insistently asking why I was avoiding the silence. What was I afraid of?

The answer tumbled up easily: I'm afraid that if I am silent I'll be in touch with what I really want, and then I'll have to do something about it. And I've been so very tired these past few years. The thought of needing to do more than I already am is frightening.

But I'm not where I've been these past few years, and unless I put effort into change, things are going to stay the way they are.

What is the one thing you want most? the voice asked.

And I answered: I want to be an established and respected practitioner in my chosen field -- spirituality -- not wasting all my time away at a support job that does no more than preserve my status quo. "Spirituality" can encompass spiritual direction, writing, workshops.

That's it then: my one resolution for the year.

I'm going to have to work on it in a way I haven't yet, in the way I once worked on the rocket company, or my graduate school, or my independent theatrical productions.

I have to believe I can do it. I haven't been ready for that before.

This year I am whole again.

It's time to do more than get by.

I can do it.

I stopped to read the preview before posting this, and immediately felt a twist of embarrassment. How many times have I made this kind of resolution before? How many times have I failed?

It's only failure if you stay down and accept failure.
If you get back up, it's a new start on the spiral path.

I am getting the hell back up. Again.
And I will do so as many times as is necessary.

I was excited and honored to be interviewed by Galina Krasskova about Queen of the Great Below!

Click here for the interview.

Several of the people who have commented said that this was the first time that they had ever heard of Ereshkigal. It's so gratifying to know that I am helping to introduce Her to moderns!

After two years of work, Queen of the Great Below has finally been released!

It's currently available on CreateSpace: https://www.createspace.com/3491305 and will be available on Amazon in approximately two weeks. Even if you buy it on CreateSpace, if you like it, please consider dropping by Amazon later and leaving a review -- and/or posting a review on your journal. Even though I'm not getting any money from sales (all Bibliotheca Alexandrina devotionals are non-profit projects) I care very much about it being successful!

Thank you to all my LJ friends who contributed and who have encouraged me over the past few years!

I just sent notifications to my Bibliotheca Alexandrina editor that I've posted my last two personal pieces to our shared workspace for her review: my version of Inanna's Descent (which I'm calling "The Ways of the Underworld") and an account of how Ereshkigal unexpectedly claimed me during a ritual I was doing with LM.

I still have to write the Introduction -- and am finding it unaccountably challenging. There is so much to say, and Ereshkigal has so many facets. . . and it can't be a textbook but it does need to be informative. . .

Almost done. . .

And then I have a rededication ritual to perform with Her as my relationship with Her shifts and changes in response to my own growth and changes. More on that as appropriate. . .

Bad priestess.
No biscuit.

The question about what to wear to present my workshop is not about what will make the most favorable impression on the participants.

It's not about what my dad would advise me to wear in order to present an image of authority and confidence.

It's about how Ereshkigal wants me to present myself in public as Her priestess.

I don't yet know what She wants -- but at least I'm now thinking about the question within the proper paradigm.

It's only been during the last few weeks that I've begun to realize just how significantly my grief over LM has had an impact on things like my priestess training and my work (or, more properly lack of work) on the Ereshkigal devotional. Now that the pain and the gray veil have lifted almost entirely, I can see how much energy it took to grieve and to just keep going.

Since

sannion has stepped down from his leadership positions in Neos Alexandrina, I'm working with a new editor. I was worried that it would be hard to work with someone new, but so far he's been great. Filling him in on my status brought this project back to the center of my attention, and I asked him if he could help me set a series of short-term goals to bring this to completion. I'd feel bad about not asking Sannion for this assistance earlier, but I don't think it would have done any good. Ironically, I had to climb out of the underworld before I could put in the serious work on the devotional to the Queen of the Underworld. Call it my graduate thesis. ;-)

Or maybe not a wink. Maybe that's exactly what it's supposed to be. Maybe, aside from my own energy issues, I needed to experience the whole cycle myself before I could bring the project to fruition.

Jeremy is concerned that I don't have enough material yet, so here's one more call to you or anyone you know to share poems, fiction, rituals, personal experiences and prayers honoring The Queen of the Great Below.

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Queen of Swords

From the sublime to the ridiculous

Entries tagged with public work

My Dragon is Rising

Self-Absorbed Priestess is Self-Absorbed

Starting Again. Again

Interviewed by Galina Krasskova on Patheos

It's a Book!

Finally!

Re-Framing The Question

Ereshkigal Devotional

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