Queen of Swords

Today may be the first day since LM's death that I feel gratitude for being alive.

Over the past few weeks I've been reconnecting with my erotic nature, and it's been extremely nurturing to me. Add to that my intellectual pursuits, greater satisfaction at work, a resurgence in my creativity, and it's as if the shattered, scattered pieces of myself are being drawn back together. Instead of feeling empty, lonely, lost, overwhelmed, I feel depth, power, harmonious complexity, and solidity.

My gratitude came from having been able to reach this point. If I had died when LM had, I would have left this world being far less than I have become over years since. It's not about power or greatness, but about fulfilling the promise of myself, a promise that would have been only partially realized if I had passed with him. I want to grow and become all that I can before I pass over, learn all that I can, work off all the karma I can, provide whatever help and support to others that I can, before I pass beyond the veil and have to give an accounting of myself and the gifts I have been given. Before LM and I face together what comes next. I want to bring him -- and leave behind in this world - the richest Me that I can.

I feel myself becoming, in actuality, the person I have dreamed and groped toward being -- someone I caught glimpses of, had intuitions of, but could not have forseen.

I was sitting in front of my altar a little while ago, as all this welled up within me, and I bowed my head before Odin and thanked him for all that has been happening since He came into my life. He lifted my chin so we were looking at each other, and said, "We have work for you to do."

Late this summer I put a lot of effort into clearing up bureacratic issues so I could return to a Masters program in spiritual direction at the ecumenical seminary where I had experienced a lot of joy and growth. And then, as the deadline for registration ticked closer, I decided that I would not return to school.

The practical reason, the reason I gave most people who asked, was that I had decided that I could invest a lot of time and energy into going to classes, reading assigned texts, and writing to assigned topics, or I could invest that same energy into starting my own practice, and I wanted to invest the time in my practice.

The truth went deeper than that.

The truth was that I finally believed that it was past time for me to be living as a student, someone who implicitly was asking for the favor and approval of authority figures by excelling at assigned work, and instead to step out as an authority myself.

This was not, by any stretch of the imagination, what happened in the fall. But it was the first step.

Since then, I have continued to grow in my self-trust and self-respect. _storyteller_ noted recently that when I talk about my practice now, I focus on practical matters, like office space, not about worries about my own credentials or worthiness.

It's been a long road, but I've finally internalized the fact that who I am and what I want to do is outside of the realm of the authority figures whose approval I have always sought. Seeking their approval means that I compromise my vision, my vocation. I can continue to respect them and their wisdom, but I need to approach them as a peer, not as someone who is dependent on their favor.

I'm sure I will take classes again, but not out of a need to gain official sanction for what I want to do. Not in the area of my vocation anyway.