Starting Again. Again

[qos]

I've been avoiding silence, avoiding it a lot -- but this morning I finally sat down in the middle of my living room in half-lotus, turned off the music, and dared the silence.

The words came immediately, gently but insistently asking why I was avoiding the silence. What was I afraid of?

The answer tumbled up easily: I'm afraid that if I am silent I'll be in touch with what I really want, and then I'll have to do something about it. And I've been so very tired these past few years. The thought of needing to do more than I already am is frightening.

But I'm not where I've been these past few years, and unless I put effort into change, things are going to stay the way they are.

What is the one thing you want most? the voice asked.

And I answered: I want to be an established and respected practitioner in my chosen field -- spirituality -- not wasting all my time away at a support job that does no more than preserve my status quo. "Spirituality" can encompass spiritual direction, writing, workshops.

That's it then: my one resolution for the year.

I'm going to have to work on it in a way I haven't yet, in the way I once worked on the rocket company, or my graduate school, or my independent theatrical productions.

I have to believe I can do it. I haven't been ready for that before.

This year I am whole again.

It's time to do more than get by.

I can do it.


I stopped to read the preview before posting this, and immediately felt a twist of embarrassment. How many times have I made this kind of resolution before? How many times have I failed?

It's only failure if you stay down and accept failure.
If you get back up, it's a new start on the spiral path.

I am getting the hell back up. Again.
And I will do so as many times as is necessary.

Comments

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

(you can totally do this.)

fall down 7 times, get up 8. (hug)

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

Thank you!
*hug

[silverhawkdruid.livejournal.com]

You reminded me of that song whose lyrics go:
I get knocked down, but I get up again,
No you're never going to keep me down.
(Repeat as often as necessary. LOL)

Good for you. Keep on keeping on. It is the only way to get there, and I will try and do the same.
Hugs,
Lex xxx

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

I was thinking of that song too. . . :-)

[oakmouse]

To quote Dougie Maclean, you may fall, but you must not lie down...

Also, this process isn't a matter of falling back to where you were. It's a spiral. It brings you back around to the same issue at a different level each time you come back around. Just because the many layers of the issue haven't resolved yet doesn't mean you haven't made progress.

*hugs*

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

The awareness that it's a spiral is sometimes the only thing that keeps me optimistic. . . But yes, I do feel the upward progress, despite what also sometimes feels like setbacks.

[oakmouse]

Good; that's an important piece of awareness to have.

[haggispatrol.livejournal.com]

When the time is right, the obstacles will melt like snow in August. You know that; you've seen it. Try to remember it; it'll comfort you in your climb.

*hugs*

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

Doing my best. ..

*hugs