Self-Absorbed Priestess is Self-Absorbed

[qos]

In doing my discernment on the topic I posted about yesterday under a friends lock, my entire focus has been about me. Would this be good for me? was my primary question.

It is important, crucial even, to be attentive to one's own needs and welfare -- but when doing discernment about a choice that will have an impact on many people besides one's self, the question What impact would my saying yes or no have on the group? should also be asked.

I've been wrestling with this question for several weeks now, and this is the first time I thought to ask about the welfare of the group in addition to my own. That's sobering.

A priestess serves.

The form of that service is different for everyone.

This isn't about what's comfortable for me. It's about what the gods may be asking of me and how I can serve my community in an area I'm passionate about.

I've always been more than a little inward-focused, and the last four years have not helped in that regard. I think it's likely that I'm now being called to break out of that inward focus. That transition is likely to be awkward, even painful, but I work for Ereshkigal. The timing of this offer, coming very shortly after my Beltane initiation, is also significant. That in and of itself is a powerful suggestion that the gods are ready to move me out of my grief focus and deeper into life again.

Which is something I've been praying for.

I am held back primarily by my own fears of inadequacy, of letting down the group.

I don't get the sense that Ereshkigal finds that very convincing.

Comments

[wyldlingspirit.livejournal.com]

I'm very Service-oriented myself. Taking the group's needs into account is vital. But have care not to swing so far the other way that you become a doormat.

Balance, as in all things.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

Balance, indeed.

My first impulse was to write "I am not the doormat type!" -- but then I thought back to the few times (not many, thank goodness) when I have been. But thoses cases have all been when I felt I had no way out of a situation and the only way to preserve myself was to acquiesce to someone else's unreasonableness (for instance: Miss V, my emotionally abusive ex-fiance).

In this situation, if someone tries to put hard pressure on me, I have the freedom to push back equally hard -- or to walk away, if necessary.

ETA: And I'm not service-oriented. It's something that does not come naturally for me.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

We all have a tendency to play to our strengths, and this can keep us from growing in other areas.

Indeed.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

the icon choice for this post is perfect.

The thing about teaching, as I'm sure you've discovered, is to DO it, keep going, keep learning, forgiving yourself for mistakes along the way, and meet the needs of the students at the same time as you meet your own need to share the material. It's important, though scary, to branch out of your own comfort zone, in order to expand your comfort zone.

Do it. It's important to you.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

Thank you. . .

The one thing I want to clarify, however, is that this isn't a "teaching" position, per se. I'd be more the organizer/facilitator. If it were a teaching position I wouldn't be considering it at all. I do not have the expertise to teach more than a couple of things in this area.

That said, I think that your comment applies to what I will be doing as well. :-)

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

It would be easier to jump in if I felt like I really was getting a clear message from Them. All I have is a series of impressions and intutions. . . But since they are all pointing toward an experience of service and growth rather than reinforcing my fears, I'm going to go with it.

[anax-anarkhos.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you should put a time-limit on the position. Something like, "I will do this for six months. If at the end of that time I am not comfortable or the others feel I am not the sort of person the position requires I will step aside. If I am doing well and I am happy doing it I will stay." That could take some uncertainty and pressure off of you.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

This is excellent advice.