Queen of Swords

I don't like buying shoes. "Necssary evil" pretty much sums up my attitude. My left foot is a half-size larger than my right, which makes it difficult to find a good fit. And shoes always cost far more than I think they should. I'd prefer to go barefoot or wear sandals, but that's not really an option most of the time. Historically I wear my shoes until they're falling apart, and then only reluctantly go out and buy new ones.

But recently I've been feeling uncomfortably aware of the fact that the not-getting-any-younger tennis shoes I've been wearing to work really don't look that good with my business casual wardrobe. I've been noticing the shoes my female colleagues wear, seeing some attractive, comfortable styles. . . and becoming self-conscious. That has never happened before. I have some nice black shoes, but my two favorite new outfits are brown, and my black shoes don't really go with them. Over the past few weeks I've gotten more and more anxious to go out and buy a nice pair of comfortable but pretty brown shoes for work.

I feel like checking to see if the Horsemen are mounting up. . .

When I buy shoes I always start at The Walking Store, which pretty much guarantees comfort and sturdiness. They have a nice range from sandals to business shoes to hiking shoes, and I found not only a lovely pair of brown shoes but a nice pair of black casual shoes. And because I got a sizeable tax return I was able to buy both, plus a few pairs of socks.

It was almost dizzying. . .

But now I can go to work on Tuesday feeling good about my entire appearance. . . which I think is also connected to my personal springtime. I just haven't cared much about anything since Lohain's death, and since I've always been rather casual about my own appearance, it's been an even lower priority -- but the combination of feeling more satisifed and more ambitious about my day job, plus my overall improved well-being is making me start to pay attention. I hope I'll never be overly concerned about my appearance, but I think that this is a healthy shift for me.

I continue to be amazed by the change in my energy since my healing shift. For the last year and more I'd come home from work absolutely drained, finding it almost impossible to take care of basic domestic stuff like cooking dinner, doing laundry, or helping Wolfling keep tabs on her homework.

Today at work I took a long lunch with a co-worker and so stayed 30 minutes late to make up the time. I rode the bus home, then stopped by Rite-Aid to buy new hangers. I got home about an hour later than usual. Despite that, I still managed to spend 45 minutes cooking a real dinner rather than doing drive-through or settling for a quesadilla on my grill.

It's now 8pm and I'm tired, but it's honest fatigue due to having been up too late last night. I'm not depressed or feeling overwhelmed. I didn't get everything done today that I had hoped to (my latest bead project still needs to be re-strung), but the combination of the shopping errand and cooking is more than I've been able to accomplish in ages.

I have hope of actually having a satisfying life again. . . .

After years of stressing about not having any desires, I now am bubbling with them -- including, startlingly, desires to re-do my living space. Or maybe not so surprising.

Last night I was already late in getting to bed, but ended up delaying even further imagining what it would be like to move my heavy-framed queen-sized bed into what started out as the dining room area of my small apartment but is currently my office. I wanted to move my bed into that space and transform my current bedroom into an office/sanctuary. I don't get much done in my current office space, due to the mixing of Wolfling's energies. I wanted to create a more isolated working area. Having my bed in the main living space would be radical, but the dining room is kind of an alcove. . . and I could put up screens. . . or just decorate it and make it beautiful and use it for lounging.

Then I realized that my bookshelves wouldn't all fit in my oddly-proportioned bedroom, which meant offloading a lot of books to make that plan work. . . or repurposing other areas of the house. . .

Which led me to realize how much non-functional stuff I have piled up in various places. My storage closet (on the balcony) is just a jumble. Then I remembered the tall laundry basket in the laundry room holding posters that haven't been on a wall in a decade or so. . . And this morning I went in to find that there are also six cardboard boxes in there that I haven't thoought about -- or missed the contents of -- since my move a year and a half ago. Ditto a bunch of stuff in the storage closet, including SCA gear I haven't used since Wolfling was three years old. I have boxes of other types of still-nice stuff that no longer suits which needs to go up on eBay.

I swear, I almost started purging last night. Instead, I intend to take advantage of the two three day weekends coming up (when I'm not planning a "Swashbuckling Adventures" scenario for Wolfling and Hob to enjoy -- yes, I'll soon be gaming again!). I probably won't end up moving my bed (although the thought remains tempting), but I am most definitely going to sort and jettison a lot of dead weight, which should contribute to better energy flow and better use of the space I do have. I'm going to get an easily assembled shelf unit to make the storage shed useful, not just a sump.

My dreams have been dense the last few nights. Most notably, last night's dream included a new boss (who looked a lot like my old boss, WB) telling me how hard it was to select a Christmas gift for me, and then declaring that what I really should be (as in job description) was "a princess" -- because of all my unusual talents.