Queen of Swords

I've been avoiding silence, avoiding it a lot -- but this morning I finally sat down in the middle of my living room in half-lotus, turned off the music, and dared the silence.

The words came immediately, gently but insistently asking why I was avoiding the silence. What was I afraid of?

The answer tumbled up easily: I'm afraid that if I am silent I'll be in touch with what I really want, and then I'll have to do something about it. And I've been so very tired these past few years. The thought of needing to do more than I already am is frightening.

But I'm not where I've been these past few years, and unless I put effort into change, things are going to stay the way they are.

What is the one thing you want most? the voice asked.

And I answered: I want to be an established and respected practitioner in my chosen field -- spirituality -- not wasting all my time away at a support job that does no more than preserve my status quo. "Spirituality" can encompass spiritual direction, writing, workshops.

That's it then: my one resolution for the year.

I'm going to have to work on it in a way I haven't yet, in the way I once worked on the rocket company, or my graduate school, or my independent theatrical productions.

I have to believe I can do it. I haven't been ready for that before.

This year I am whole again.

It's time to do more than get by.

I can do it.


I stopped to read the preview before posting this, and immediately felt a twist of embarrassment. How many times have I made this kind of resolution before? How many times have I failed?

It's only failure if you stay down and accept failure.
If you get back up, it's a new start on the spiral path.

I am getting the hell back up. Again.
And I will do so as many times as is necessary.

You have to understand: this is a big deal.

One of the things that has been on my wistful to-do list (the list of things that I think would be wonderful, but I have never made enough of a priority to do more than stick my toe into, if that) is bellydancing. A year or so ago I went to a class, but despite pathdancer's companionship and encouragement, I felt too awkward and embarrassed by my body and lack of looseness/control over my midsection to be comfortable in a room full of women who had not just the moves but the clothes as well. There were some lovely moments, but in the end, I just was not comfortable.

So two nights ago, as part of my current "Ultimate" plan, I took out the DVD set "Sacred Bellydance" (which I bought months ago) and started working with it. And it was hard. Hip circles just don't work well when you're used to holding yourself straight and tucked, and not accentuate that part of yourself. And talk about Water! Jehane's whole body flowed and rippled as if she had no bones at all.

A Queen of Swords beginning to bellydance is a somewhat absurd creature: all stiffness and pointy joints.

So I put away the DVD and took out my S-Factor Workout book, which starts with a long series of stretches and moves designed to loosen and release the hips and pelvic region, emphasizing circles and sensuality. And while I was doing Reverse Spinal Rolls something clicked in the back of my brain, and I stopped focusing on "doing it right" and instead just concentrated on making a circle with my head, and feeling the circle, and doing it with my spine and not my shoulders.

Suddenly I was moving freely, almost ecstatically. Everything shifted into another key.

I stretched for another ten minutes or so, and still had ten minutes on my workout time, so I put on a marvelous piece called "Lionheart" by Angels of Venice, and I closed my eyes and started to dance. I didn't worry about 'right moves' or how I looked (which is why I had to keep my eyes closed), or anything else. I released my body to follow the music.

I danced in a way I don't think I've ever danced before without a couple of drinks in me. And it felt great.

I'm going to take this slowly, and I'm not going to worry about "right." I'm going to use the exercises to get my body moving, open up and stretch these muscles (the mental/emotional as well as the physical) and when I feel comfortable with my body and with my own movement, then maybe I'll take a class again. Yes, I may have to 'unlearn' some technique -- but that's better than being too stiff and self-conscious to learn in the first place.