In the Lap of the Goddess
Mar. 5th, 2009 06:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosAs I wrote last night, the last couple of days have been very intense and stressful, and the nightmares I suffered while trying to get some rest didn't help matters. (The nightmares seemed independent of the stress.)
My teacher had company when I called last night, but we had a couple of minutes for me to quickly tell her about my dreams, both of which included near-death experiences. She asked me what I'd been doing lately to cleanse and protect myself, and I went: *headdesk
So last night before bed I placed a dish of salt and a small bowl of vinegar on my dresser and then made sure I did a full cycle of practices, even though I was exhausted. The Middle Pillar was a bit more challenging than it has been lately, but when I finished I felt a definite improvement in my energy.
I tumbled into bed around 9:30, feeling utterly exhausted -- and for the first time I asked Ereshkigal if She would be close to me and just hold me.
Ereshkigal is not a cuddly goddess. I do feel love from Her, but it's usually in a "mine" kind of key: protective, affirming, but always with Her edgy energy keeping it kind of distant. My asking Her to hold and comfort me was a first -- as was Her actually doing so. (In contrast to Isis, who appeared to comfort me on a regular basis during some of the worst of the nights of my early grieving and held me in her lap within the shelter of her wings. Isis was cuddly, very tenderly mother-like -- at least in those encounters.)
As I lay in bed I felt myself lying in Her lap. She still wasn't cuddly, but I felt deep peace being close to Her, with Her willing to shelter and care for me like that. A little while later I finally realized that the dead tired exhaustion I was feeling corresponded to an energy leak. I've been learning to fix these myself, but I was so very tired. "Will you please help me with this?" I asked Her. No "tough love" from Her this time. She moved Her hands over my back, clearing things out, stitching me up. I started feeling more solid, less hollow, and breathed a prayer of thanks.
A little while after that LM showed up and Ereshkigal put me into his care. I wouldn't say that She did so with a sense of relief, but I did get the impression of "Here, this is your job - not mine." Again, Her love for me was never in question, but I don't think She's very comfortable with that kind of interaction. On the other hand, I did get a sense that when She's invoked it's so often around anger, hurt, pain, and other shadow work that it was kind of a surprising, refreshing change to be called on for gentle care, even if She wasn't entirely sure how to do it besides just letting me rest with her and stroking my hair. But it was enough.
LM examined my back and made a few adjustments to Ereshkigal's work, adding his own warm, golden energy to further heal and rejuvenate me, and then he held me as I fell asleep.
No bad dreams last night, and I'm feeling much more rested this morning -- although my back still feels like its healing.
My teacher had company when I called last night, but we had a couple of minutes for me to quickly tell her about my dreams, both of which included near-death experiences. She asked me what I'd been doing lately to cleanse and protect myself, and I went: *headdesk
So last night before bed I placed a dish of salt and a small bowl of vinegar on my dresser and then made sure I did a full cycle of practices, even though I was exhausted. The Middle Pillar was a bit more challenging than it has been lately, but when I finished I felt a definite improvement in my energy.
I tumbled into bed around 9:30, feeling utterly exhausted -- and for the first time I asked Ereshkigal if She would be close to me and just hold me.
Ereshkigal is not a cuddly goddess. I do feel love from Her, but it's usually in a "mine" kind of key: protective, affirming, but always with Her edgy energy keeping it kind of distant. My asking Her to hold and comfort me was a first -- as was Her actually doing so. (In contrast to Isis, who appeared to comfort me on a regular basis during some of the worst of the nights of my early grieving and held me in her lap within the shelter of her wings. Isis was cuddly, very tenderly mother-like -- at least in those encounters.)
As I lay in bed I felt myself lying in Her lap. She still wasn't cuddly, but I felt deep peace being close to Her, with Her willing to shelter and care for me like that. A little while later I finally realized that the dead tired exhaustion I was feeling corresponded to an energy leak. I've been learning to fix these myself, but I was so very tired. "Will you please help me with this?" I asked Her. No "tough love" from Her this time. She moved Her hands over my back, clearing things out, stitching me up. I started feeling more solid, less hollow, and breathed a prayer of thanks.
A little while after that LM showed up and Ereshkigal put me into his care. I wouldn't say that She did so with a sense of relief, but I did get the impression of "Here, this is your job - not mine." Again, Her love for me was never in question, but I don't think She's very comfortable with that kind of interaction. On the other hand, I did get a sense that when She's invoked it's so often around anger, hurt, pain, and other shadow work that it was kind of a surprising, refreshing change to be called on for gentle care, even if She wasn't entirely sure how to do it besides just letting me rest with her and stroking my hair. But it was enough.
LM examined my back and made a few adjustments to Ereshkigal's work, adding his own warm, golden energy to further heal and rejuvenate me, and then he held me as I fell asleep.
No bad dreams last night, and I'm feeling much more rested this morning -- although my back still feels like its healing.
