Leaping Forward, Grounded in Love
Feb. 28th, 2009 11:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosHas it been barely six weeks since I told Ereshkigal "Yes, even though it's hard I will release [this attachment] and open myself to something new?" Since then, things have roared into a higher level of intensity. Into the space left by that preoccupation, that desperate clinging, has come a renewal of something I had thought lost forever: the feeling passion permeating my daily life. When I was with LM and Michael I loved deeply and experienced intense passion, but the passion was focused on them, and despite my intense feelings it was often difficult to ignite into full flame without very direct encouragement. These days, I feel raw erotic energy coursing through my body all the time: Inanna's blessing, emerging from the sacrifice demanded by Ereshkigal.
Five weeks ago, I made a hesitant, shy offer to an online friend -- the Scottish Gentleman -- to engage with me in a chat-based erotic encounter, an experiment to find out if it was possible for me to take the erotic tendrils I was feeling and use them to engage with another person. That experiment succeeded beyond either of our wildest expectations, and I have found myself with a virtual lover whose erotic energy -- expressed in sweet, powerful, passionate words -- as well as his forthright companionship, open mind, and engaging sense of humor, has opened me to the entirely unexpected prospect of being able to fall in love again.
Three weeks ago, at Pantheacon, my teacher placed her hands on my head and ordained me as a priestess of Ereshkigal and Inanna, and I was filled with a direct 'download' of energy from them. I didn't actually feel anything at the time, but within the hour I felt like a bottle of soda that had been shaken too much. The next day, B, filling the archetypal role of the Sacred Stranger, offered his hands and his service to ease my body -- and unexpectedly catalyzed a hands-on erotic (but not sexual) encounter that somehow helped me ground and integrate the goddesses' energies, bring me home to my body after more than a year of lonely grief, and giving me a taste of the pleasures of power.
Meanwhile, several online female friends and acquaintances started reaching out to me, seeking insight and guidance on aspects of their spiritual lives. I started engaging in a priestess encounter with one through a collaborative document, beginning to weave threads of magic, self-discovery, and healing through words.
One week ago, I attended a flogging workshop, during which a female acquaintance and I took turns practicing on each other, fully clothed. Another inner barrier fell, as I realized that I could ease back into this aspect of my sexuality, my spirituality, my self-hood, without needing to be in an intimate, committed relationship. Again I felt the goddesses leading me forward, blessing me, leading me further into the light, into my vocation.
Yesterday I spent hours engaged with the world through the lense of my sexblog. The amazing energies first released with B -- the exquisite combinations of sexuality, spirituality, pleasure, and power -- grew stronger. I felt the thrill of the responses of others, began weaving another priestess encounter that was more intense, more direct, than the first. My body and mind began to understand, to accept, that my long-time resonance with sacred sexuality, with the image of the hierodule, the sacred prostitute, wasn't just a unique or eccentric quirk. It's part of who I am. This need, this ability, to weave the Divine, the human, the wounds, the need, the pleasure, the power, and the blessings, is part of what I am. So much yet to learn, but so much I already know in the core of my being.
Mid-day, overwhelmed, I stopped to call my teacher. The energies were so heady I knew I needed to check in, to touch base, to make sure I wasn't spinning off into some solitary mirror-maze. No, she reassured me, this is what it's like to discover who you are. Yes, you need to ground. Yes, you need to be clear and connected with your ethics. Yes, you need to remember that it's the gods who are in control, not you. But yes, this is what it's like. This is the gift.
Last night, I crashed. Not badly, not hurtfully, but exhausted and overwhelmed.
This morning I woke to a poem for Ereshkigal forming in my mind.
Then I connected with my three patrons -- Ereshkigal, Inanna, Tiwaz -- and The Most High, before I got out of bed. My morning alignment complete, I lingered with Ereshkigal, and She showed me, in direct, explicit, unmistakable detail, some truths about myself and how I operate and where my sacred strength is my greatest weakness.
Then LM was there, and I learned how priest, priestess and goddess can join as one, and that I am their ambassador to the living, material, mortal world, carrying their energies as a blessing.
And then it was just my husband and me, sharing more clearly and beautifully than at any other time since his death what we are to each other, and how he understands and supports my path, even though it will inevitably involve intimacy with others, including the Scottish Gentleman. The Queen's privelege is love, he told me. If the King falls, she must choose a new lover-champion to remain whole. He gave me a wolf-smile: fierce and amused and possessive. You can have lovers, champions, consorts, priests. But you have only one King. Only one husband. I grinned back. I could agree to that.
And so here I am. . . almost noon and still in my pajamas, my entire morning taken up with sacred communion, erotic exchange with The Queen of the Great Below and my eternal husband, teaching, learning, revelation. . . then writing it up all that I could remember for my own later reference, in less explicitly sexual detail for my teacher, and then this entry for the public witness of those who walk the path beside me.
I know that this level of intensity will not continue indefinitely. This is the initial, primal surge -- the Ace of Wands. Things will settle out over time, and it will be my responsibility to cultivate, nurture, and manage what I have been given.
I am deeply and profoundly blessed. I walk a path that I could never have imagined even two years ago, a path that could never have been the conscious answer to "What do you want to be when you grow up?" but has haunted me as inchoate longings all my life.
I am a priestess.
Five weeks ago, I made a hesitant, shy offer to an online friend -- the Scottish Gentleman -- to engage with me in a chat-based erotic encounter, an experiment to find out if it was possible for me to take the erotic tendrils I was feeling and use them to engage with another person. That experiment succeeded beyond either of our wildest expectations, and I have found myself with a virtual lover whose erotic energy -- expressed in sweet, powerful, passionate words -- as well as his forthright companionship, open mind, and engaging sense of humor, has opened me to the entirely unexpected prospect of being able to fall in love again.
Three weeks ago, at Pantheacon, my teacher placed her hands on my head and ordained me as a priestess of Ereshkigal and Inanna, and I was filled with a direct 'download' of energy from them. I didn't actually feel anything at the time, but within the hour I felt like a bottle of soda that had been shaken too much. The next day, B, filling the archetypal role of the Sacred Stranger, offered his hands and his service to ease my body -- and unexpectedly catalyzed a hands-on erotic (but not sexual) encounter that somehow helped me ground and integrate the goddesses' energies, bring me home to my body after more than a year of lonely grief, and giving me a taste of the pleasures of power.
Meanwhile, several online female friends and acquaintances started reaching out to me, seeking insight and guidance on aspects of their spiritual lives. I started engaging in a priestess encounter with one through a collaborative document, beginning to weave threads of magic, self-discovery, and healing through words.
One week ago, I attended a flogging workshop, during which a female acquaintance and I took turns practicing on each other, fully clothed. Another inner barrier fell, as I realized that I could ease back into this aspect of my sexuality, my spirituality, my self-hood, without needing to be in an intimate, committed relationship. Again I felt the goddesses leading me forward, blessing me, leading me further into the light, into my vocation.
Yesterday I spent hours engaged with the world through the lense of my sexblog. The amazing energies first released with B -- the exquisite combinations of sexuality, spirituality, pleasure, and power -- grew stronger. I felt the thrill of the responses of others, began weaving another priestess encounter that was more intense, more direct, than the first. My body and mind began to understand, to accept, that my long-time resonance with sacred sexuality, with the image of the hierodule, the sacred prostitute, wasn't just a unique or eccentric quirk. It's part of who I am. This need, this ability, to weave the Divine, the human, the wounds, the need, the pleasure, the power, and the blessings, is part of what I am. So much yet to learn, but so much I already know in the core of my being.
Mid-day, overwhelmed, I stopped to call my teacher. The energies were so heady I knew I needed to check in, to touch base, to make sure I wasn't spinning off into some solitary mirror-maze. No, she reassured me, this is what it's like to discover who you are. Yes, you need to ground. Yes, you need to be clear and connected with your ethics. Yes, you need to remember that it's the gods who are in control, not you. But yes, this is what it's like. This is the gift.
Last night, I crashed. Not badly, not hurtfully, but exhausted and overwhelmed.
This morning I woke to a poem for Ereshkigal forming in my mind.
Then I connected with my three patrons -- Ereshkigal, Inanna, Tiwaz -- and The Most High, before I got out of bed. My morning alignment complete, I lingered with Ereshkigal, and She showed me, in direct, explicit, unmistakable detail, some truths about myself and how I operate and where my sacred strength is my greatest weakness.
Then LM was there, and I learned how priest, priestess and goddess can join as one, and that I am their ambassador to the living, material, mortal world, carrying their energies as a blessing.
And then it was just my husband and me, sharing more clearly and beautifully than at any other time since his death what we are to each other, and how he understands and supports my path, even though it will inevitably involve intimacy with others, including the Scottish Gentleman. The Queen's privelege is love, he told me. If the King falls, she must choose a new lover-champion to remain whole. He gave me a wolf-smile: fierce and amused and possessive. You can have lovers, champions, consorts, priests. But you have only one King. Only one husband. I grinned back. I could agree to that.
And so here I am. . . almost noon and still in my pajamas, my entire morning taken up with sacred communion, erotic exchange with The Queen of the Great Below and my eternal husband, teaching, learning, revelation. . . then writing it up all that I could remember for my own later reference, in less explicitly sexual detail for my teacher, and then this entry for the public witness of those who walk the path beside me.
I know that this level of intensity will not continue indefinitely. This is the initial, primal surge -- the Ace of Wands. Things will settle out over time, and it will be my responsibility to cultivate, nurture, and manage what I have been given.
I am deeply and profoundly blessed. I walk a path that I could never have imagined even two years ago, a path that could never have been the conscious answer to "What do you want to be when you grow up?" but has haunted me as inchoate longings all my life.
I am a priestess.
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-28 08:42 pm (UTC)Of course, while reading this, my thoughts went to "So... lunch..." I'm very intrigued to meet you.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-01 01:05 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-01 01:16 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-01 02:26 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-01 01:13 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-01 06:32 am (UTC)Reaching out is so very very good for you.
I hope you are proud of yourself, I have no right to say so, but i am proud of you.