Purification and Rebirth
Aug. 10th, 2009 03:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosThis afternoon I was reading the chapter on Purification in War and the Soul, and it suddenly started triggering insights and ideas. I'm going to skip explaining the context and just focus on what it brought up for me.
Despite all the work that I've done to heal from my grief over the past two years, I've never formally, ritually done anything to 'observe' LM's death besides the brief but potent memorial the day after his passing. I've never done anything to ritually reconcile myself to his death and the permanence of it. Frankly, I don't think I could have endured the pain of that admission until recently.
I don't like using words like "taint" or "pollution" -- but ancient and tribal cultures believed that being around the dead, involved with death, left their mark on the soul, and some of what was left on the soul needed to be cleansed, for a variety of reasons relating to the soul health of the individual and the community.
I feel like I've finally reached the place where I am ready to purify myself of the leavings of LM's death. . . letting the grave shrouds and the scabs be washed away.
I want to take a ritual bath and dress in a new white robe. I want there to be white candles and incense and multi-colored roses. I want to lay my husband to rest out of this life, while celebrating the life that goes on. I want to formally, ritually accept that he is dead and that my life goes on. I want to ritually celebrate a marriage with him that accepts and celebrates the fact that our union crosses the boundaries of flesh and spirit, instead of simply mourning for what I can no longer enjoy in this life.
This kind of thinking is not normal for me. Usually I simply analyze everything into the ground or have flashes or insight or sudden experience. It's very rare for me to yearn for a ritual observance of this degree of intention and formality.
I think it's going to come after my vigil next week. The vigil will affirm the depths to which his death has taken me, my connection with Ereshkigal, the path I'm all -- all the positive qualities of darkness and the underworld which I embrace and affirm. And when the dawn comes, I'll observe this ceremony, a purification and rebirth.
Despite all the work that I've done to heal from my grief over the past two years, I've never formally, ritually done anything to 'observe' LM's death besides the brief but potent memorial the day after his passing. I've never done anything to ritually reconcile myself to his death and the permanence of it. Frankly, I don't think I could have endured the pain of that admission until recently.
I don't like using words like "taint" or "pollution" -- but ancient and tribal cultures believed that being around the dead, involved with death, left their mark on the soul, and some of what was left on the soul needed to be cleansed, for a variety of reasons relating to the soul health of the individual and the community.
I feel like I've finally reached the place where I am ready to purify myself of the leavings of LM's death. . . letting the grave shrouds and the scabs be washed away.
I want to take a ritual bath and dress in a new white robe. I want there to be white candles and incense and multi-colored roses. I want to lay my husband to rest out of this life, while celebrating the life that goes on. I want to formally, ritually accept that he is dead and that my life goes on. I want to ritually celebrate a marriage with him that accepts and celebrates the fact that our union crosses the boundaries of flesh and spirit, instead of simply mourning for what I can no longer enjoy in this life.
This kind of thinking is not normal for me. Usually I simply analyze everything into the ground or have flashes or insight or sudden experience. It's very rare for me to yearn for a ritual observance of this degree of intention and formality.
I think it's going to come after my vigil next week. The vigil will affirm the depths to which his death has taken me, my connection with Ereshkigal, the path I'm all -- all the positive qualities of darkness and the underworld which I embrace and affirm. And when the dawn comes, I'll observe this ceremony, a purification and rebirth.
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-12 09:03 pm (UTC)I just remembered something I have that I found in a used bookstore years ago, that might help you also. It's a book called "I Remember You: a Grief Journal",by Laynee Gilbert. It does have a bit in the beginning about how to use it, but mostly it's just full of pages for you to fill, with quotes and pictures on some, but plenty of blank space. I just found one on Alibris, so I know they are still available. I haven't used mine yet, but I'll know when it's time to do so. Perhaps it's something that will also call to you.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-13 09:20 pm (UTC)