I Really Wasn't Ready for That. . .

[qos]

Several weeks ago I started exchanging emails with a man I met on a networking site -- not a dating site. To my surprise, things progressed quickly, to the point that I was really looking forward to his emails, beginning to think about meeting him, perhaps even doing some scening with him.

Things immediately became complicated and fraught. He responded to my warmth and interest with even more emotion -- not in itself a bad thing, but he quickly went far beyond the point of my actual interest and comfort. The tipping point came when he emailed me an erotic story he'd written. It was in many ways a very nice story, and I approved of all the content except the fact that it was clearly supposed to be about the two of us, and we were portrayed as being on our first playdate and expressing deep and adoring love for each other.

Red flag!



I immediately started backpedaling, telling him that he was getting ahead of himself, and while I did find him attractive I was not interested in -- or emotionally ready to -- get involved with someone seriously at this time. In response, he started kicking himself, putting himself down, saying 'Of course it was stupid to think someone like you could possibly love someone like me' and revealing a deep level of previously hidden insecurity.

I should have taken his over-reaction as another red flag and let that be my exit. But I really had been enjoying this conversation, and hoped that maybe this was just a one-time thing. I told him to calm down, that he had ignored all my good comments to focus on the one caution.

We kept writing. . . but essentially the same thing happened a few more times, although at a less hysterical level on his part. A few days ago he wrote me a perfectly nice email which I had not, as of this morning, responded to due to my preoccupation with Mom's health, the drama at work, processing my initiation trip, re-connecting with Wolfing after a week apart, and preparing for my class. It had crossed my mind that I should probably drop him a quick line saying 'Sorry! Busy right now, will get back to you asap,' but frankly he'd fallen way down my priority list.

I was a bit surprised -- but not all that much -- when I received an email from him this morning saying "Guess I finally did scare you away. . ."

Fine. You keep telling me that I no longer want to write to you, so I guess I'll go ahead and take you up on your insistence. I obviously can't give you the level of attention and emotional engagement you want, so let's stop this right here.



Honestly, I'm a bit sad that he turned out to be so needy and insecure. He seemed like he could have been a good friend and possibly someone to enjoy doing things with. But I am done with men who are so insecure they project their worst fears onto me and then react to that instead of to what I actually say and do. He kept making assumptions about me that were totally baseless and then treating them like actual experience.

I've since re-written my profile to be more blunt about what I am and am not looking for, and am going to be much more careful about what I express in emails. I was taken totally off-guard by my attraction to this guy -- the first actual interest I'd felt in a male since uncrowned_king and _storyteller_ came into my life three years ago -- so I was utterly unprepared for the rapidity with which I allowed things to get to an intimate, even romantic level. I'm sorry that he got burned because I lost track of myself. . . but if he had been more secure, we might still have found a place we were both comfortable and had a good time together.

Comments

[sharpchick.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry this interaction with this man turned sour for you. But it was much better, as I am sure you know, that you found out about his insecurity before you actually met in real life, because then it could have become very difficult to extract yourself.

I personally have never been able to get close to a man who has what feels to me to be an unhealthy need for interaction with me. . . the kind that makes me feel as if the corners of his mouth cannot be turned up if he does not get his "dose" of me. . . as if I am not supposed to become preoccupied with anything but him.

My own world is much broader than that, and any man who wishes to share that must have a life of his own also. I'd much rather be wanted than needed.

[qos.livejournal.com]

The only time I've done okay with "need" was when my need for him was in the exact same proportion -- an extremely rare occurrence.

And yes, I'm very glad that things came to a head now, before I shared even my real name.

[qos.livejournal.com]

not so much for us, but for everyone else

Yes!

It is, however, my job to label the ravine properly so that no one accidentally drives in.

Indeed. Although some guys forget how to read in their eagerness to go cliff-diving.

[iswari.livejournal.com]

Oops. Well, I'm glad you're at least feeling more clear about what you want.

[oakmouse]

A clingy drama-boy you don't need. Good choice to call it quits now.