The Grail Question & Nurturing Friendships

[qos]

According to one stream of Grail lore, there was a certain point at which the Quest could not go forward unless the Grail Knight asked the Wounded King What ails thee? Some knights failed at this point because they were too "polite" to make such a personal inquiry of their host, who had a wound which crippled him and never healed. Others failed because they simply didn't care. Daring deeds are great -- but compassionate interest is essential.

This morning, I am going to suggest that there is a similar rule where friendships are concerned. Once again, I've found myself smacked in the face by a pattern that's been repeating itself in my life recently, and having it happen with someone new helps to highlight what's been going on elsewhere.

The issue is that of asking questions: curious, caring, interested questions.

I recently drew a line with someone who used to be a very good friend because I realized that not only was I always the first to email or call, his return emails had stopped including any inquiries about me, my life, my well-being. He never so much as asked, "How are you?" much less made specific inquiries into areas of my life which he knew were important to me. I care deeply about this person, but over time have become convinced that he doesn't care for me --not in a meaningful way. He certainly doesn't seem to take any active interest in me or my life.

Last night I was disturbed to see the same pattern with someone else. We had at least four or five different email streams going. When I finished all of his latest replies last night, I realized that none of them included questions to me about either those topics or new ones. Had we just talked everything out? Maybe -- but there was no invitation on his part to continue the conversation in any way. No curiosity expressed about me. As I look back through the past emails, I see this is actually the way his emails have been all along. I was the one whose questions prolonged the conversation. As with the other friend, he was happy to answer questions, to talk about himself, but never got around to inviting me to share more, or to dig deeper into my life and thoughts in any way.

These two people happen to be male, but I'm not going to put this down to male-ness. Two of my best correspondents are also male, and are very good about asking about me -- sometimes just dropping a line to say "I haven't heard from you in a while. How are you?"

I was taught that at the very least it's good conversational manners to ask questions that invite the other person to share and contribute. When the other person is supposed to be a friend, it becomes an expression of caring. A question doesn't have to be a lead-in to an intense personal discussion or philosophical debate. It's the simple expression of interest that maintains connection: How are you doing? Anything new going on in your life? How is your special interest activity going?

Now that this pattern has been highlighted, I'm going to be even more aware of how often *I* express active concern about and interest in the lives of those I say I care about.

ETA I think it's important to point out that the relationships I cite above are primarily long-distance ones. If we saw each other more often, they might be able to express caring in other ways. That said, I still think that actively expressing interest in the other person and inviting him/her to share is a critically important expressing of caring.

Comments

[qos.livejournal.com]

I think that there is definitely a need to understand what kinds of questions and conversational style work best for a particular individual/relationship. In that case, it's the responsibility of each person to express what they need and the other to be sensitive to that. However I think that overall the pattern of expressing interest vs. not expressing interest is valid.

As for each of the friends I wrote about here, I think both feel that they do care for me. The problem is that, due to the distance between us physically, there are limited ways to express that caring in meaningful ways. Hmm. . . I think I need to add something to my post. . .

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I've been getting to know someone who asks detailed questions about me and my life. Her interest touches me; it shows me she wants to know how I am and what makes me tick. She talks about herself a lot, but that is balanced with asking a lot of questions about me and listening compassionately to my responses. It's something I want to be careful to balance in my interactions with others, too.

[oakmouse]

Hmmm. Yet another reason why it might not be such a good idea for me to stay up doing email late at night. I've noticed that when I'm tired, I'll respond to what the email I'm answering includes, but very seldom add new material. Also by the time I've worked my way down in a longer email (and most of my close friends do write long emails to me, as I write long emails to them) I've forgotten anything else I wanted to say and can only think, ok, that's done, now hit send. Then ten minutes later I tend to go, oh cr*p, forgot to say that and that and THAT and...

Thank you. I've been exploring alternate ways to stay in touch with the people I love through email, and this post has given me some serious food for thought.

[qos.livejournal.com]

One of the other things I obviously didn't address in the original post is that I consider this to be an issue of dynamic balance over time.

I don't know about any of your other correspondents, but speaking as a regular recipient of your late-night, very long emails, I am primarily grateful for your willingness to engage so meaningfully that late at night. I don't expect the kinds of touching-base inquiries this post is about. You do an excellent job of that overall. I know that if a few days go by without contact, you'll drop a line to say "Ack! I'm so busy! I'll get to your emails asap, hope you're well, how are things?"

Besides, those very long late night emails to me are usually very much about my stuff, not all about you.
You share of yourself, but you also demonstrate consistently that you are deeply interested in me, as both a teacher and a friend.

[coen.livejournal.com]

I am a male, and the last time I met the wounded king, I didn't ask him what ailed him. Not because I didn't care, but because I thought it would be offensive to ask a king such a personal question.
Of course I was curious, and of course I felt sorry for the king who was obviously in pain. But I thought that if the king wanted to share, he would whenever he was ready for it. He would not wait for an invitation coming from me.
But I was wrong, he did wait for a question from me. I didn't ask it, and therefore he didn't share his pain.

So we both waited and both ended with nothing.

Okay, the wounded king in my case was not a king. He was a lot of people, and the most important one was my wife. My ex-wife. She felt very lonely because I never asked about her feelings. And I felt lonely because she never told me about her feelings.
She would frequently ask me about my feelings, and I talked and talked about those, and while I talked about me, I kept on wondering why she didn't talk about her. While at the same time she wondered why I never asked anything.

Did I learn from this? I hope I have.
When I wonder about how someone is feeling, I still feel the urge to wait for the person to be ready to tell me, but I fight that urge and force myself to ask.

[qos.livejournal.com]

I know what it's like to be concerned or confused about how someone close to me is feeling, and not be sure if it's okay to ask.

What I usually do is preface a question with something to make it clear that I'm venturing into potentially sensitive territory. For example, I'll sometimes start with, "If you're comfortable sharing. . ." I want the other person to know I care, know I'm interested, but also that I respect his or her privacy and am ready to withdraw the question without hard feelings if they don't want to talk about it.

One of my best girlfriends often doesn't like to talk about things that are bothering her. But I can't always be sure if a topic falls under that heading or not, so I'll ask, "Do you want to talk about. . .?" and she'll say yes or no as she needs to -- but she also then knows that I'm not indifferent to her feelings or situation.

[qos.livejournal.com]

First, I *heart* your Wicked icon!!

Second, LOL! I hope all of you get to keep the consolation prize too, because I'm damn fond of them myself, but wouldn't want to maintain one of my own!

Third, I really don't think it's a penis thing. Like I said: two of my best, most thoughtful penpals are males.

[qos.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing


(Where are you getting these new icons? Are you making them all yourself, or have you just found great sources??)

[qos.livejournal.com]

I'm an icon addict. I pay for the maximum number and I have loyalty icons -- over 100 in all!

[dorjejaguar.livejournal.com]

I've had long thoughts about this subject as well.
Sometimes I've been too slow to recognize a pattern of a friend not asking. I've told myself though that I need to notice when I'm doing all the work in a relationship. All the starting and instigation. It's been an old pattern for me to let that happen.
I feel it's easy enough for me to give.
But yah, I'd really like reciprocal relationships and therefore have instructed myself to notice when it's not and to not perpetuate that cycle.
Also I'm coming to understand that sometimes I need to say what I've been feeling wether or not asked. I really shouldn't wait for someone asking me or their permission or assurance that they even care. If they don't, when I do speak my heart that will be obvious soon enough. In any case I shouldn't gag myself cause I'm afraid they don't give a shit.
If I do then I'm just contributing to a hollow, unsatisfying relationship.

So, question, if you realize that you are in a relationship where your doing all the asking and the other is not expressing interest, what do you want to do about it once you realize that? There are different ways to handle it, of course. I'm wondering what your preferred method is.

[qos.livejournal.com]

if you realize that you are in a relationship where your doing all the asking and the other is not expressing interest, what do you want to do about it once you realize that?

What I did is point out the pattern to the other person -- more strongly in the first case I mentioned, because it was part of a larger pattern of not seeming to care much about being connected to me anymore which was already under discussion. With the second person, I wrote an email saying "Well, we seem to have wrapped up these topics -- especially since you didn't have any questions to ask me. Where do you want to go next?" We'll see what happens.

[dorjejaguar.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I'm undecided about how I want to handle such things.
I'm not exactly conflict avoidant but I often wonder how much good it does to ask for change in people, especially when their behavior seems indicative of not caring.
On the other hand, just wishing for it without asking for it seems dumb.

I'd be interested to know how it pans out for you if you feel like telling.