Not A Good Morning

[qos]

The last couple of days were okay. There was too much to do at work, but everyone has been loving and supportive and patient with me. I don't like needing such patience, but since I do need it right now, I deeply appreciate it. Last night _storyteller_ and I had been planning a date night, but the airlines buggered my Ex's return flight, meaning that I had kid duty. So instead of the two of us enjoying time alone, we took the daughter to see Ocean's 13 -- which wasn't as good as 11, but better than 12 and fun.

But this morning. . . . This morning has been hard. It was my house that started it: feeling overwhelmed by the clutter again, and then hopeless because my struggle against the forces of household entropy seems to be a losing battle. I broke down and started crying, which immediately tapped into my grief for Lohain. I felt empty, and without joy, and hopeless -- and guilty that I was feeling such things with _storyteller_ right there next to me, giving me his steady support.

He's going out hiking today, and my own plan was to start seriously looking for a furnished apartment or extended stay place where I can live between the time I move out of the house (last week of June) and into my new apartment (date not yet determined). But the websites are all so vague, and few of them quote rates, and I don't know the specific dates of my stay, so I was quickly feeling overwhelmed again.

There's noise upstairs as the new household members continue getting ready to move in today. To give them credit: they've done a lot of wonderful work on the space upstairs: cleaning out all the grime, painting (and doing a nice job), sanding the floor. I'm quite impressed. But it's noisy. And it's going to get worse soon as they start moving in their possessions.

I think I need to take my shower, get dressed, and head out to do something, anything but be here. I will take my journal and my gadget and run away from home for a few hours.

kateri_thinks called while I was typing the last sentence. Talking to her lifted my heart for a while -- but I still need to get out of here.

Comments

[a-belletrist.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry that your morning was so hard. I hadn't heard from you in a couple of days, and wondered how you were doing.

More in email later. I hope your out and abouting brings you some peace of mind, and a bit of lightheartedness.

[seauleja.livejournal.com]

I can't imagine how horrible it must be to have this domestic transition looming in the near future, in the midst of everything else. There has got to be an easier way.

Is the move into your new apt delayed because the one you want hasn't opened up yet? I wish for you a watershed of grace regarding this situation.

Just as one can love more than one person at a time, without the love of one detracting from the love of another, one can grieve a lover and love another at the same time. Your grief of one does not in any way deny or disregard your love of another.

Trust the worthiness of all your feelings, and give yourself the kindness of compassion as an anecdote to the guilty critic voice in your head. Give yourself at least six months before you even begin to second guess or offer any apology whatsoever for your grief--inward or outward.

I am sorry for your pain, and glad for the love that birthed its possibility.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your wisdom and empathy.

Unfortunately the place I really want to move in to (near my parents and a school for my daughter) doesn't have an opening. And because having her close to these places is so important now that I won't have other adults living with me, I'm willing to wait. But it complicates things.

Six months seems a very long time. But then again, so does the next 40+ years without Lohain next to me, as I had allowed myself to expect.