Completing Initiation

[qos]

I was on the phone with my teacher and Scotty for more than two hours last night, and it was transformative.

The thing about initiations is that once they are underway, you can't stop in the middle of them. (I'm not talking about a ritual you can walk out of, but the deeper processes.) Trying to get back to what you were only traps you in a death state. To thrive, you must move forward into the unknown, newly-birthing new self.

Now that my grieving is over, I've been trying to get back to "normal" -- but defining it in terms of who I used to be, even as I paid lip service to having been through an intense initiation. But I'd only defined that initiation in terms of my spiritual path, not understanding that my entire being has been impacted.

I am not who I was. I don't know yet who I have become, who I am becoming. There is continuity, of course, but so much disjunct in my internal patterns that I am often at a loss, numb. I've been saying "I need to find new ways to be happy" and etc., but part of me has still been clinging to my old self, my style of life. For those of you who know "Once More with Feeling," I've been singing along far too often with "Going Through the Motions" and the first few lines of "Walk Through the Fire." (Why can't I feel? My skin should crack and peel. I want the fire back.)

First I had to grieve the loss of LM and accept the hole in my life where he used to stand.
Then I had to accept and grieve the loss of the future with him which I had been looking forward to.
Now I have to not just accept that I'm becoming someone very different than I was, I have to let go of that old self-image before the new one is fully in place.

There is a sadly ironic element as well. There have been days when I've hated Michael for changing so much after LM's death, but I've been blind and resistant to my own transformation.

When my allies and I started the conversation last night, I had been afraid because of the numbness I've been feeling for the past several months. I had been starting to think about going to a psychiatrist, perhaps asking for anti-depressants. Now I feel hope and an openness to life I haven't felt for quite a while. It's not a finished process. I suspect I will still go through cycles of resistance, grayness, and forward motion, but I feel like this is the key to what I've been suffering for the past few months since the end of my grieving.

This was confirmed by my dreams last night especially the one where LM and I encountered each other as completely different people, but we recognized each other and he kissed me the way he first kissed me in this life: as if he owned me and would never, ever let me go. I woke up with that kiss and its energy still with me like a blessing.

Comments

[sekhmetkare.livejournal.com]

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

Different situations, but I DO understand; I am doing this right now as well. We are like snakes shedding our old skins, and not sure what we will look like when it is done.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

I also am struggling with who and what I have been becoming. I look into the shells of used-to-be and there's no WAY I can fit back into them, the very idea is repugnant.

It's a bit like being in process of building a house for myself from scratch with no architect and no plan and quality, though salvaged, building materials. Feels a bit like this, beautiful but irregular and tiny. But enough.
No other house will fit me, now.
I'm also realizing that someday I'll not fit in THIS house, and will have to build afresh again.

Damme me if this living authentically isn't rather a ton of work! =)

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine once had a little plaque that read "Personal growth is a challenge, a privelege, and a pain in the neck."

I think about that a lot these days. . .

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

and hooray for the lovely dream. (is a bit envious)