Queen of Swords

Note to self: Writing is your most natural form of reflection. If traditional meditation isn't working for you, stop feeling inadequate and try using your dominant skill.

After I wrote the previous entry, I got out my paper journal, asked Ereshkigal for help, and started writing. I figured it would be much easier to stay focused if I was putting words on a page, and I was right.

I discovered that I've been aware since I was 12 years old that my true path lay outside my father's comprehension and ability to actively support. It was a central theme when I was writing my personal mythic saga (that started out simply as extravagant daydreams) at age 12. The fact that I created a code to keep those dreams private only underscored how intensely I was aware that what I most wanted was likely to get me laughed at. (Or so I believed, and I carried that belief with me.)

I have always known that my path is outside of my father's paradigms, even when I wasn't sure what my path was. That was something to stop and think about for a while.

Eventually I became aware of my mental-emotional-spiritual discomfort about this as an object lodged in my heart. I went inside to get a better look, and after a while I discerned it was an arrow with its entire head embedded in my heart.

I asked Ereshkigal to take it away, but She declined. First, I had to be able to explicitly write or say the words about what I wanted to be rid of. Then I had to do it myself. She couldn't just take it from me. I had to actively surrender it, give it up. I grit my teeth and took hold of the arrow. I was about to pull when I realized that it was heavily barbed. If I pulled it out, I'd rip out part of my heart with it.

That realization stunned me, as did the one that came right after it: that my willingness to continue to conform to my father's comfort zone is because of my deep love for him.

Before I could release myself from our jointly-imposed restrictions, I had to come to a conscious awareness that no longer conforming to them did not mean that I didn't love him.

The rush of energy that followed was amazing. Once I got my breath back, I took hold of the arrow and gently pulled it free. It came out easily. I gave it to Ereshkigal, asking Her to recycle the energy it represented, and She accepted it, but She also warned me that this wound is going to take some healing. I've got a very powerful energy pattern and habits of thought built up in this area. I'm going to have to cultivate the new awareness and remind myself of what I learned if I'm going to benefit from it.

I've always felt deep love and respect for my father. I'd been characterizing my reluctance to break out of his paradigm as an inability to free myself from small-town mindsets and a habit of protecting the family name and reputation. It never occurred to me to go deeper than that and understand why my need to protect was so intense. It was love.

It still love my father, but hopefully now it's a wiser love.
I can love my father and still actively pursue my own dreams, even if they are outside his comfort zone.


The next realization was around the archetype of the Empress. Both my father and LM are powerful examples of Emperor energy, and I've been grateful to be upheld and sheltered by that energy. It's time that I stepped up, even beyond the role of Queen, and ascended to Empress. It's time to become a peer. Time to feel comfortable expressing my skill, talent, and potency in the wider world, beyond the confines of my private life.

Being reborn hurts.

Being 'between' hurts.

For all my growth, I remain a Queen of Swords.
For those of my type, ambiguity sucks -- and where I am now is full of ambiguity.

There is continuity with the past, yes -- but the old answers, the old methods do not work.

Even my sexuality seems to be impacted -- and being smacked up against that this afternoon was not a happy or comfortable experience.

I retreated into my practices this evening -- retreated to take refuge in them, rather than pick them up like a heavy duty. That, at least, is a positive change.

I sat in my meditation posture (back against pillows against the headboard of my bed, soles of my feet together, hands loose in my lap) and did four-fold breaths, then relaxed into more natural breathing. I started to frame questions about my emerging identity, about my future.

Immediately I got a crystal clear message in my mind: In the past, your identity was based on what you thought, what was within. Going forward, it will be made from what you do.

( Unpacking the Message )

The funny thing is that I can't be sure who sent those words to me. Usually my inner senses are clear enough that I have some sense of who is addressing me: a deity, a spirit, LM, or my own projection of someone from my life: my father, a teacher, etc. This message didn't seem connected to anyone in particular.

I think, based on some other messages I've been getting lately, that it is most likely my higher self. I've been getting quiet but clear messages lately which have been nudging me into better choices about things like alcohol and doing my practices. It's been very clear that although I don't consciously address myself, it's not an external being nudging me. It's me, my knowing-better self. And that feels like a great step forward.

All those stories did shape who I am. The identity I created for myself was real. But despite some very positive elements, it has proved insufficient to deal with being a full adult in this world. It is insufficient to my vocation. It is insufficient to being a good parent (including the need to provide for my child materially).

This also neatly folds in with the other meditations I've been doing around consciously embracing the more explicitly (to my formulation) masculine power archetypes, in particular the King of Swords and the Emperor. All of my most important work has been inward-focused. It's time to claim the yang energy, the Chokmah energy of the Tree of Life, and start projecting outward.

I sat my vigil on my third floor balcony which overlooks a wooded area. It's private, safe, and gives the illusion of being away from other people. To prepare it for the vigil, I lined the edge with sea salt, set five candles in glass holders around the edge and lit them, and lit my charcoal grill. Throughout the evening I tended the charcoal and from time to time put dragonsblood, frankincense, or myrrh on the coals. After doing the physical preparations, I did a Qabalistic Cross and Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram. Then I sat in a comfortable patio chair with a fuzzy brown wrap, and put my journal and a candle lantern on a chest to my right.

My neighborhood is usually quiet, but just as I was settling in I realized that there was a party going on some distance away. There were five or so distinct voices, plus music. They weren't being obnoxious, but they were definitely 'present' in my awareness. To my surprise, once I settled in to start my meditation they faded quickly into the background.

Ereshkigal was there almost as soon as I closed my eyes.

More than a week later, the details are a bit blurred. I have my notes on the realizations, but didn't write down all that happened to get me there. What is most distinct is Ereshkigal asking me a series of questions. Each time I answered a new question, I felt like I was moving through a doorway. Actually, most of the 'questions' were one question, repeated again and again: "What do you want?" Along with the questions was the directive: "Release your preconceived notions."

( What *do* I want? )