Engraved Message
Oct. 24th, 2009 08:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosBeing reborn hurts.
Being 'between' hurts.
For all my growth, I remain a Queen of Swords.
For those of my type, ambiguity sucks -- and where I am now is full of ambiguity.
There is continuity with the past, yes -- but the old answers, the old methods do not work.
Even my sexuality seems to be impacted -- and being smacked up against that this afternoon was not a happy or comfortable experience.
I retreated into my practices this evening -- retreated to take refuge in them, rather than pick them up like a heavy duty. That, at least, is a positive change.
I sat in my meditation posture (back against pillows against the headboard of my bed, soles of my feet together, hands loose in my lap) and did four-fold breaths, then relaxed into more natural breathing. I started to frame questions about my emerging identity, about my future.
Immediately I got a crystal clear message in my mind: In the past, your identity was based on what you thought, what was within. Going forward, it will be made from what you do.
It was very clear to me what that meant. When I was growing up. . . Heck, let's just say "For most of my life" my sense of self was based as much or more on internal references than my external life. This included a very active fantasy life and a lot of time invested in stories in which I tried to work out who and what I wanted to be. The thing is: none of those stories were set anywhere in the real world. I earned two degrees, but did little or nothing with them once I finished. I acted like a responsible adult, but cared little about the day to day business of life.
And now I'm an almost 45 year-old woman with no career, one divorced husband, one dead husband, and an extrordinary adolescent daughter. My spiritual life is deeper than ever before, but my mundane, daily life is becoming less and less bearable.
I can no longer live a life in which so much of my energy is invested in fantasies and avoidance. The lack of creativity which I've been bemoaning is much more than that: it's a lack of escape routes from daily life. I'd been slowly coming to understand that -- but the message tonight constituted an engraved affirmation from the universe that my suspicions were correct.
The funny thing is that I can't be sure who sent those words to me. Usually my inner senses are clear enough that I have some sense of who is addressing me: a deity, a spirit, LM, or my own projection of someone from my life: my father, a teacher, etc. This message didn't seem connected to anyone in particular.
I think, based on some other messages I've been getting lately, that it is most likely my higher self. I've been getting quiet but clear messages lately which have been nudging me into better choices about things like alcohol and doing my practices. It's been very clear that although I don't consciously address myself, it's not an external being nudging me. It's me, my knowing-better self. And that feels like a great step forward.
All those stories did shape who I am. The identity I created for myself was real. But despite some very positive elements, it has proved insufficient to deal with being a full adult in this world. It is insufficient to my vocation. It is insufficient to being a good parent (including the need to provide for my child materially).
This also neatly folds in with the other meditations I've been doing around consciously embracing the more explicitly (to my formulation) masculine power archetypes, in particular the King of Swords and the Emperor. All of my most important work has been inward-focused. It's time to claim the yang energy, the Chokmah energy of the Tree of Life, and start projecting outward.
Being 'between' hurts.
For all my growth, I remain a Queen of Swords.
For those of my type, ambiguity sucks -- and where I am now is full of ambiguity.
There is continuity with the past, yes -- but the old answers, the old methods do not work.
Even my sexuality seems to be impacted -- and being smacked up against that this afternoon was not a happy or comfortable experience.
I retreated into my practices this evening -- retreated to take refuge in them, rather than pick them up like a heavy duty. That, at least, is a positive change.
I sat in my meditation posture (back against pillows against the headboard of my bed, soles of my feet together, hands loose in my lap) and did four-fold breaths, then relaxed into more natural breathing. I started to frame questions about my emerging identity, about my future.
Immediately I got a crystal clear message in my mind: In the past, your identity was based on what you thought, what was within. Going forward, it will be made from what you do.
It was very clear to me what that meant. When I was growing up. . . Heck, let's just say "For most of my life" my sense of self was based as much or more on internal references than my external life. This included a very active fantasy life and a lot of time invested in stories in which I tried to work out who and what I wanted to be. The thing is: none of those stories were set anywhere in the real world. I earned two degrees, but did little or nothing with them once I finished. I acted like a responsible adult, but cared little about the day to day business of life.
And now I'm an almost 45 year-old woman with no career, one divorced husband, one dead husband, and an extrordinary adolescent daughter. My spiritual life is deeper than ever before, but my mundane, daily life is becoming less and less bearable.
I can no longer live a life in which so much of my energy is invested in fantasies and avoidance. The lack of creativity which I've been bemoaning is much more than that: it's a lack of escape routes from daily life. I'd been slowly coming to understand that -- but the message tonight constituted an engraved affirmation from the universe that my suspicions were correct.
The funny thing is that I can't be sure who sent those words to me. Usually my inner senses are clear enough that I have some sense of who is addressing me: a deity, a spirit, LM, or my own projection of someone from my life: my father, a teacher, etc. This message didn't seem connected to anyone in particular.
I think, based on some other messages I've been getting lately, that it is most likely my higher self. I've been getting quiet but clear messages lately which have been nudging me into better choices about things like alcohol and doing my practices. It's been very clear that although I don't consciously address myself, it's not an external being nudging me. It's me, my knowing-better self. And that feels like a great step forward.
All those stories did shape who I am. The identity I created for myself was real. But despite some very positive elements, it has proved insufficient to deal with being a full adult in this world. It is insufficient to my vocation. It is insufficient to being a good parent (including the need to provide for my child materially).
This also neatly folds in with the other meditations I've been doing around consciously embracing the more explicitly (to my formulation) masculine power archetypes, in particular the King of Swords and the Emperor. All of my most important work has been inward-focused. It's time to claim the yang energy, the Chokmah energy of the Tree of Life, and start projecting outward.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-25 06:44 am (UTC)Do it. Go ye forth.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-27 02:17 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-26 05:22 pm (UTC)I also am glad you are sharing all this here with us.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-27 02:16 am (UTC)I've heard the phrase "coming forth by day" but I never knew the specifics of what it referred to, only that it had something to do with the afterlife.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-27 10:45 pm (UTC)