An Unexpected Root/Answer

[qos]

Note to self: Writing is your most natural form of reflection. If traditional meditation isn't working for you, stop feeling inadequate and try using your dominant skill.

After I wrote the previous entry, I got out my paper journal, asked Ereshkigal for help, and started writing. I figured it would be much easier to stay focused if I was putting words on a page, and I was right.

I discovered that I've been aware since I was 12 years old that my true path lay outside my father's comprehension and ability to actively support. It was a central theme when I was writing my personal mythic saga (that started out simply as extravagant daydreams) at age 12. The fact that I created a code to keep those dreams private only underscored how intensely I was aware that what I most wanted was likely to get me laughed at. (Or so I believed, and I carried that belief with me.)

I have always known that my path is outside of my father's paradigms, even when I wasn't sure what my path was. That was something to stop and think about for a while.

Eventually I became aware of my mental-emotional-spiritual discomfort about this as an object lodged in my heart. I went inside to get a better look, and after a while I discerned it was an arrow with its entire head embedded in my heart.

I asked Ereshkigal to take it away, but She declined. First, I had to be able to explicitly write or say the words about what I wanted to be rid of. Then I had to do it myself. She couldn't just take it from me. I had to actively surrender it, give it up. I grit my teeth and took hold of the arrow. I was about to pull when I realized that it was heavily barbed. If I pulled it out, I'd rip out part of my heart with it.

That realization stunned me, as did the one that came right after it: that my willingness to continue to conform to my father's comfort zone is because of my deep love for him.

Before I could release myself from our jointly-imposed restrictions, I had to come to a conscious awareness that no longer conforming to them did not mean that I didn't love him.

The rush of energy that followed was amazing. Once I got my breath back, I took hold of the arrow and gently pulled it free. It came out easily. I gave it to Ereshkigal, asking Her to recycle the energy it represented, and She accepted it, but She also warned me that this wound is going to take some healing. I've got a very powerful energy pattern and habits of thought built up in this area. I'm going to have to cultivate the new awareness and remind myself of what I learned if I'm going to benefit from it.

I've always felt deep love and respect for my father. I'd been characterizing my reluctance to break out of his paradigm as an inability to free myself from small-town mindsets and a habit of protecting the family name and reputation. It never occurred to me to go deeper than that and understand why my need to protect was so intense. It was love.

It still love my father, but hopefully now it's a wiser love.
I can love my father and still actively pursue my own dreams, even if they are outside his comfort zone.


The next realization was around the archetype of the Empress. Both my father and LM are powerful examples of Emperor energy, and I've been grateful to be upheld and sheltered by that energy. It's time that I stepped up, even beyond the role of Queen, and ascended to Empress. It's time to become a peer. Time to feel comfortable expressing my skill, talent, and potency in the wider world, beyond the confines of my private life.

Comments

[gailmom.livejournal.com]

~happy clap for you~

[oakmouse]

Very good. Very, very good.

Time, perhaps, to remind you that (long ago) we discussed the possibility of doing your meditations in written form instead of entirely in your head. You can journal about the topic of the meditation, or take notes as you meditate, or use the clustering process to develop and explicate the materials you get during the meditation, or some combination of all three. Or possibly something else entirely. I suggest you explore the possibilities.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

I've been remembering the writing-rather-than-in-the-head, but I think a part of me felt like it was "settling" rather than doing it "the good way." I'm not sure if that was non-rational stubbornness or some part of me being sneaky about avoidance, knowing I'd go deeper in writing. But this was a pretty powerful example that I'd probably do better in this regard playing to my strengths. Certainly my ability to stay focused and follow an idea all the way out was much more effective this way.

[oakmouse]

*nod* We may also have discussed giving the all-in-the-head way a longer try or something, to make sure you weren't dropping it too soon. Still, at this point I agree that it would be best for you to go with your strengths, having given the "official" method a good solid try.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

:-)

[sekhmetkare.livejournal.com]

WELL done.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

...my willingness to continue to conform to my father's comfort zone is because of my deep love for him.

This powerful realization resonates with me, too, particularly as it pertains to why I would care what BioSis thinks of me.

Somehow you (and I) got the idea that love means conforming to what the person we love wants. Perhaps that is a side effect of the Christian message, "If you love me, keep my commandments"?

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

I don't think that's the root for me.

For me, this complex isn't about "commandments" as it is about having been taught that bad behavior on my (and my sister's) part could have negative consequences for our father because of his public position. I loved and respected my father deeply, even from a very young age, and the last thing I wanted was to do something that would make him look bad.

Writing the above, I realized that I was also very proud of my own reputation, both as myself and as "G-'s daughter." I didn't want to do anything that would tarnish the esteem in which I was held either.

I think my sister and I had an unusually keen sense of social consciousness (at least for our local community) because of our dad's position and the fact that Mom grew up in poverty, but her own mother had told her that they had to be especially well behaved and well turned out so no one could look down on them because they were poor. When she married my dad, he was a professor and going into the ministry -- and you know what kind of pressure there is on the minister's wife to be sure that the family is above reproach. She carried that into his non-ministry life as well.

I don't think it was a particularly Christian motivation, although Christianity was part of the air as I grew up. I think the social consciousness would have been the same no matter what our beliefs. The only difference would have been how "good" and "respectable" were defined.

[ancareth-raven.livejournal.com]

Wonderful!