Engaged

Congratulations and best wishes to _storyteller_ and unicorndelamer, on their engagement!


For all that I'm a die-hard romantic, I can also be rather cynical about marriage -- but if ever two people belonged together these two do. I wish them every happiness.

Food Planning

Going back to work full time means that I need to start doing meal planning again.

Well, "again" is relative. This is a discipline I've yet to actually make stick, despite instruction and coaching from _storyteller_.

For the first three weeks, my work day will start at 7:30am -- the earliest I've had to be anywhere in quite some time. I'm someone who needs breakfast, so I'll need to be sure I have healthy food to eat *before* I get into my car. Otherwise, I'll be driving through McDonalds.

The place I'll be working has an on-site cafeteria, which is great for convenience and bad for both the wallet and the waistline. Packing economical, healthy lunches is going to be a necessity. Time to stock up again on little plastic containers for left-overs, and healthy snacks for the cubicle. I'll also need to be sure I have a water bottle at my desk.

Finally: dinner. I am not one of those people who enjoys cooking, although I've been told I'm competent at the dishes I do prepare. Coming home after a full day of work to face the prospect of cooking dinner for Wolfling myself is a daunting prospect. (Honestly, one of the things I miss most about having a mortal partner around the house is having both participation and moral support in this area!) But Wolfling is old enough to share the responsibility for meal prep and cooking -- and she's even indicated an active interest. I'm hoping it can be a bonding experience as well as practical.

The key is planning. Knowing what we're having for dinner, having the supplies on hand, making enough for leftovers, and having the proper storage, are all going to be essential.

Vigil, Part 1: Preparations and Ereshkigal

I sat my vigil on my third floor balcony which overlooks a wooded area. It's private, safe, and gives the illusion of being away from other people. To prepare it for the vigil, I lined the edge with sea salt, set five candles in glass holders around the edge and lit them, and lit my charcoal grill. Throughout the evening I tended the charcoal and from time to time put dragonsblood, frankincense, or myrrh on the coals. After doing the physical preparations, I did a Qabalistic Cross and Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram. Then I sat in a comfortable patio chair with a fuzzy brown wrap, and put my journal and a candle lantern on a chest to my right.

My neighborhood is usually quiet, but just as I was settling in I realized that there was a party going on some distance away. There were five or so distinct voices, plus music. They weren't being obnoxious, but they were definitely 'present' in my awareness. To my surprise, once I settled in to start my meditation they faded quickly into the background.

Ereshkigal was there almost as soon as I closed my eyes.

More than a week later, the details are a bit blurred. I have my notes on the realizations, but didn't write down all that happened to get me there. What is most distinct is Ereshkigal asking me a series of questions. Each time I answered a new question, I felt like I was moving through a doorway. Actually, most of the 'questions' were one question, repeated again and again: "What do you want?" Along with the questions was the directive: "Release your preconceived notions."

( What *do* I want? )

Vigil, Part 2: Inanna

When I came back after my break, Inanna was there.

To my surprise, she appeared as an adolescent girl with long black hair, a big smile, and a white dress. She was high-spirited, taking my hand and urging me to go with her.

Her appearance completely boggled me. Inanna has always been a highly sexual goddess, and to see her as a girl who I considered far too young to be actively sexual threw me off balance. I resisted and resisted until she got irritated with me and showed me a glimpse of the vastness of her full self behind the adolescent form.

Only then could I perceive the resonance her chosen form had to something deep within myself: my memories of being twelve and thirteen years old, when my own passions were starting to break free. I was sexually aware, starting to have vivid fantasies, although I was still years from even my first kiss. I was passionate about everything: my faith, my creativity, my fantasies, my activities. . . I felt deeply, intensely. . .

. . . In ways I have not felt for the past several years.

I longed for the ability to feel so fiercely again, and as I did I realized that the lower two-thirds of my torso was empty. My heart was still there, but everything below it was gone.

( No guts )

( Hierodule )

Designing My Priestess Life

"Integration" is a big theme for me right now, as is "mindfulness." One of the tasks that's been in the back of my mind for a while is that of mapping out just what being a priestess means to me on a day-by-day basis.

The following is what I have so far. As always, it is subject to revision and not intended to be prescriptive for anyone else.

The heart of being a priestess is my relationship with my gods. Everything centers there; everything else grows from there. As with human beings, nurturing a divine relationship involves time, caring, and two-way communication. My spiritual relationships are nurtured by prayer (spiritual-speak for "conversation"), worship, journeying, meditation, and daily connection rituals.

The disciplines of magical practice, energy work and meditation are the tools of personal refinement. They make me more effective in serving the will of the gods, on this plane as well as others. Without the skill and knowledge to act on them meaningfully, good intentions are nothing more than warm, fuzzy feelings and only count for so much.

Ideally, the combination of relationship and refinement result in a heart and mind that are capable of experiencing and expressing deeper love and compassion, fairness, generosity, calmness, and joy -- and the will and capacity to express and act on them in meaningful ways. My own performance in this area is spotty, but I remain convinced by Emanuel Swedenborg and my friend lovetakesyouin that unless the spiritual life results in meaningful acts of love and service, it falls short of its purpose. What these acts are is between an individual and their gods. We all serve in different ways. The point is that my spiritual life should ultimately be about more than just my own personal development and well-being.

I also remain convinced that my physical health and well-being are -- or should be -- part of my priestess work. If I'm too tired or in poor condition, my ability to engage in relationship, to maintain my disciplines, and to be of use to someone other than myself is compromised. Similarly, keeping my hearth in order gives me a peaceful, energetically clean space in which it is easier to focus and be productive.

For me personally, everything else emerges out of this foundation. I want my priestess life to also include teaching and spiritual direction with others, magical and temple work, observing holidays with my daughter and other friends, and etc. But without the fundamentals, the rest isn't going to happen -- or if it does, it will fall short of what I'm truly capable of.