Queen of Swords

At some point during or just after the month-long erotic high that followed my ordination, Ereshkigal and LM brought to my attention a few important insights about the way my personal power flows, for good and ill. For me, the erotic is a big part of spirituality and creativity. When I'm erotically engaged I'm stronger, more powerful, more creative, and happier. I'm able to engage erotically in a variety of ways, not all of which are explicitly sexual and not all of which involve skin-on-skin contact. I can be erotically charged by a theatrical rehearsal or really good roleplaying game session, by a massage, by co-writing, dancing, and etc.

The shadow side of this is that I can far too easily become distracted by the erotic, and/or vulnerable to someone who is able to engage my erotic nature in a powerful way. Some of it is due to my submissive tendencies, but some of it is more subtle than that. It's also easy for me to become simply "drugged out" on my own sensuality and drift through several days just focused on erotic pleasure, to the exclusion of practical necessities or other responsibilities. (Which is okay in small doses, but I can take it too far.)

Ereshkigal and LM brought all this to my attention in a more focused way than before, and I agreed that the observations were on target. That's when Ereshkigal told me that She wanted me to do something to give myself a physical, permanent reminder that the seat of my power -- where I rule and am ruled from -- is between my legs. It's part of my deep connection to Inanna, which has been reasserting itself over the past few months.

( Discussion of genital piercing as a sign of Divine ownership and commitment behind the cut. Feel free to skip. )

Reading back over this I feel like I should make sure it's clear that this isn't about denying my sexuality or caging it, but helping me make sure that I keep everything in the proper balance. I'm still free to enjoy the erotic and to share my body if I want to. I just need to make sure that I retain the appropriate "chain of command" where my sexuality and pleasure are concerned.

A lot of what's been moving in my life since my ordination has involved power: as energy, as potency, as authority. It started with B in the encounter at Pantheacon, where we moved into a space where he started addressing me as "Mistress" as he gave me a massage, and I accepted the power with a sense of pleasure and ease that was entirely new, and then enjoyed exercising the power. And I had a very strong sense that both the sensuality and power elements of that encounter were a direct gift from Ereshkigal and Inanna, and the interaction with B was an essential step in integrating the energies I'd received.

One of the challenges I've dealt with my entire adult life has been feeling that I can't claim and exercise authority -- and by that I mean the authority of knowledge or skill as much or more as the authority of holding a position of privilege over others -- if I haven't been given some kind of stamp of approval by an outside institution or established authority. This has made starting my spiritual direction practice problematic, since by definition my path is outside of such structures.

I grew up middle-class, the daughter of a man of significant authority, both personal and institutional. The more I became aware of the way my secret thoughts were falling outside of what was labeled safe and proper and appropriate, the more intent I became on blending in and achieving recognition through the proper channels.

And now. . . to quote Elphaba, Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm feeling my power in a way I never have before -- and a big part of it is because others have been spontaneously deferring to it, even reveling in it. I've been afraid that if I claimed authority and/or exercised power past a certain limit of perceived safety that I would be wrong, that I would cause harm, that I would be rejected for arrogance. So far, none of that has been happening. I've been feeling my energy, my potency, coursing through me, and it's been very, very satisfying for me -- and evidently helpful and/or pleasurable for others.

It's also made me aware of how quickly and easily I could burn out from the intensity of the energy coursing through me, especially when combined with the high of the interpersonal dynamics I'm experiencing -- not to mention that I'm now vulnerable to the temptation to abuse of power, something that hasn't been an issue before.

So yesterday morning as I stood before my marriage altar and shared my morning cup with LM, I asked him for help, for insight, for advice. His response was to flash the image of the Emperor from the Robin Wood tarot into my mind. Things started crystalizing immediately, the first of which was the need for me to be solid and secure and appropriately protective of my own resources, to exercise some of my power and authority in setting my own boundaries for self-care.



The Emperor seems to be a problematic card for many (like the Queen of Swords!). His four-square, conservative energy is often portrayed as oppressive patriarchal structure and/or arrogance. I've seen very few attractive Emperor cards. But when LM (who partakes strongly in this archetype -- as does my father) showed this to me, what I saw was the way his square throne grounded him. He wasn't automatically responsive to every desire or supplication directed to him.

That doesn't mean he's lacking in generosity. My experience of the Emperor includes the positive aspects of 'rule by the father': nurture, providing bounty, shelter, and protection, and abundant love as well as discipline. But he's not a pushover. At his best, his structure provides a framework within which others can flourish in their own way. (At his worst, he punishes or prunes anything which goes outside that structure -- but every archetype has its dark side.)

Historically, Emperors are land-grabbers, but I don't see that in this figure. His solid energy speaks to me of knowing what is appropriately his and holding it as a sacred trust, leaving what is outside his sphere alone. What is inside his sphere is his to rule -- but he is answerable to the gods for the fruits or consequences of that rule. If he abuses his power, not only does he sacrifice the legitimacy of his title, he will have a massive karmic debt to pay.

I'd been trying various grounding techniques to try to work with the energy that's been flooding me -- but it was this image and the combination of intellectual and intuitive responses to it that seem to have helped me the most. I feel more centered than I have in a couple of weeks, more in control of myself. And that's the first task and responsibility of power: to properly rule yourself.

It feels like I've been struggling for years to move from being a Princess to being a Queen. It was like a wall that I threw myself at again and again, trying to scramble over, smash through, burrow under. . .

It's happened. I'm a Queen.

It's hard to put into words how I know this is true. Some of it comes from owning my vocation, from no longer seeking the approval or sponsorship of authority figures. Some of it comes from taking more positive but relaxed control over my Pentacles issues. I have accepted my own authority, my own responsibility.

Some of it, in ways that I really can't explain, come from the way uncrowned_king and I come together on an archetypal level, how his King energy draws out and strengthens my Queen energy. Some of it comes from the way _storyteller_ honors and interacts with my Queen energy in his own way.

Some of it, I'm sure, is simply continuing to grow and mature. But beyond that, I have come into my power. It's still fresh and new; there's a lot of learning and strengthening to come. But I'm doing it in a new mode.

The Princess is gone. The Queen has claimed her throne.