Claimed and Marked
Apr. 16th, 2009 02:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosAt some point during or just after the month-long erotic high that followed my ordination, Ereshkigal and LM brought to my attention a few important insights about the way my personal power flows, for good and ill. For me, the erotic is a big part of spirituality and creativity. When I'm erotically engaged I'm stronger, more powerful, more creative, and happier. I'm able to engage erotically in a variety of ways, not all of which are explicitly sexual and not all of which involve skin-on-skin contact. I can be erotically charged by a theatrical rehearsal or really good roleplaying game session, by a massage, by co-writing, dancing, and etc.
The shadow side of this is that I can far too easily become distracted by the erotic, and/or vulnerable to someone who is able to engage my erotic nature in a powerful way. Some of it is due to my submissive tendencies, but some of it is more subtle than that. It's also easy for me to become simply "drugged out" on my own sensuality and drift through several days just focused on erotic pleasure, to the exclusion of practical necessities or other responsibilities. (Which is okay in small doses, but I can take it too far.)
Ereshkigal and LM brought all this to my attention in a more focused way than before, and I agreed that the observations were on target. That's when Ereshkigal told me that She wanted me to do something to give myself a physical, permanent reminder that the seat of my power -- where I rule and am ruled from -- is between my legs. It's part of my deep connection to Inanna, which has been reasserting itself over the past few months.
There are several levels to this. One is simply what I wrote above: it's a tangible symbol of my commitment to Ereshkigal and putting my responsibilities to Her above everything else, including the distractions of eroticism and passion.
It's a way of making my sexuality taboo, something that can be accessed or touched only after the appropriate preparations. I'm not allowed to be casual with my body (not that I ever was). I can be intimate with others, but I am required to really think through what I'm doing and the consequences of being too open with myself.
It's a way to remind me that no matter how much pleasure someone else gives me, or how tempted I am to give up power to someone else (even short-term), I'm already Owned. BDSM scening or play is acceptable; serious power exchange -- or even a relationship that has strong D/s overtones that never become formal -- is not something I can do, even if a part of myself craves it.
It's a symbol of Ereshkigal's higher priority claim on me compared to Inanna. I am also a priestess of Inanna since my ordination, and Ereshkigal continues to affirm that my work with Her sister is necessary and important on multiple levels, but She is my primary boss.
While this is primarily Ereshkigal's mark on me, LM also has a share of it. I don't just belong to Her, I belong to him too. No mortal, incarnate man will ever be my primary partner. This isn't so much to remind me as it is to provide a visible reminder to any man who has the privelege of becoming my lover: I belong to someone else.
The mark is going to be a clit hood piercing -- unless I'm advised by a professional that my particular anatomy is better suited to something else. I'm completely new to this, so I'm doing a lot of research. In a week or so I'm going to start visiting local piercing shops, get consultations, and decide where and with whom to schedule the appointment.
I'm going to have the work done in June, when Michael is home on leave. Of all my local friends, he's the only one who I believe has the understanding of all the various elements that go into this -- including a respect for ordeals. And he won't be squicked by the basic idea. He can stand beside me, hold my hand, and help me process afterward.
I should probably add that while this does push my comfort zone, it is something I've thought of before, something that LM and Michael and I had discussed when the three of us were together. However it is not something I would have done without this explicit direction from Herself. (The thought of a big needle going through my girly bits is not my idea of fun!) I suspect that if I had been more inclined toward tattoos, She would have made that the mark instead. However, I do know that facing my fear and enduring the pain are important parts of it for Her.
Reading back over this I feel like I should make sure it's clear that this isn't about denying my sexuality or caging it, but helping me make sure that I keep everything in the proper balance. I'm still free to enjoy the erotic and to share my body if I want to. I just need to make sure that I retain the appropriate "chain of command" where my sexuality and pleasure are concerned.
The shadow side of this is that I can far too easily become distracted by the erotic, and/or vulnerable to someone who is able to engage my erotic nature in a powerful way. Some of it is due to my submissive tendencies, but some of it is more subtle than that. It's also easy for me to become simply "drugged out" on my own sensuality and drift through several days just focused on erotic pleasure, to the exclusion of practical necessities or other responsibilities. (Which is okay in small doses, but I can take it too far.)
Ereshkigal and LM brought all this to my attention in a more focused way than before, and I agreed that the observations were on target. That's when Ereshkigal told me that She wanted me to do something to give myself a physical, permanent reminder that the seat of my power -- where I rule and am ruled from -- is between my legs. It's part of my deep connection to Inanna, which has been reasserting itself over the past few months.
There are several levels to this. One is simply what I wrote above: it's a tangible symbol of my commitment to Ereshkigal and putting my responsibilities to Her above everything else, including the distractions of eroticism and passion.
It's a way of making my sexuality taboo, something that can be accessed or touched only after the appropriate preparations. I'm not allowed to be casual with my body (not that I ever was). I can be intimate with others, but I am required to really think through what I'm doing and the consequences of being too open with myself.
It's a way to remind me that no matter how much pleasure someone else gives me, or how tempted I am to give up power to someone else (even short-term), I'm already Owned. BDSM scening or play is acceptable; serious power exchange -- or even a relationship that has strong D/s overtones that never become formal -- is not something I can do, even if a part of myself craves it.
It's a symbol of Ereshkigal's higher priority claim on me compared to Inanna. I am also a priestess of Inanna since my ordination, and Ereshkigal continues to affirm that my work with Her sister is necessary and important on multiple levels, but She is my primary boss.
While this is primarily Ereshkigal's mark on me, LM also has a share of it. I don't just belong to Her, I belong to him too. No mortal, incarnate man will ever be my primary partner. This isn't so much to remind me as it is to provide a visible reminder to any man who has the privelege of becoming my lover: I belong to someone else.
The mark is going to be a clit hood piercing -- unless I'm advised by a professional that my particular anatomy is better suited to something else. I'm completely new to this, so I'm doing a lot of research. In a week or so I'm going to start visiting local piercing shops, get consultations, and decide where and with whom to schedule the appointment.
I'm going to have the work done in June, when Michael is home on leave. Of all my local friends, he's the only one who I believe has the understanding of all the various elements that go into this -- including a respect for ordeals. And he won't be squicked by the basic idea. He can stand beside me, hold my hand, and help me process afterward.
I should probably add that while this does push my comfort zone, it is something I've thought of before, something that LM and Michael and I had discussed when the three of us were together. However it is not something I would have done without this explicit direction from Herself. (The thought of a big needle going through my girly bits is not my idea of fun!) I suspect that if I had been more inclined toward tattoos, She would have made that the mark instead. However, I do know that facing my fear and enduring the pain are important parts of it for Her.
Reading back over this I feel like I should make sure it's clear that this isn't about denying my sexuality or caging it, but helping me make sure that I keep everything in the proper balance. I'm still free to enjoy the erotic and to share my body if I want to. I just need to make sure that I retain the appropriate "chain of command" where my sexuality and pleasure are concerned.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-16 10:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-17 02:21 am (UTC)And yes, I'll share more as this unfolds.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-17 02:44 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-16 10:40 pm (UTC)Your thoughts on being on an "erotic energy high" reminds me of how I've felt over the past couple of weeks (although not erotic, just energy), and looking back at this week, I feel like I'm crashing right nor (or its That Time Again). Probably both. I should really try and keep better check of me going off in la-la-land.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-17 12:25 am (UTC)I totally get this. Strangely, I was just thinking about such piercings in this exact context this morning, apropos of nothing, and very odd since it is not actually something I'd ever be likely to do, for various reasons (although I can see the appeal, both physically and symbolically). I think it will be a powerful statement.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-17 02:24 am (UTC)I find it interesting that your thoughts were going this way today, and that we both had snakes show up a couple of weeks ago. . . No connection of this with the snakes (necessarily), just interesting that we have some of the same energy moving.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-17 02:17 am (UTC)anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-17 02:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-17 02:29 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-17 06:02 am (UTC)paradigm shift.
... *thinks*
that's probably what happens to people who see my tattoo for the first time, also, with me being sweet and funny and nice.
Hm. Interesting perspective on it.
I think body mod as part of your spiritual expression is an amazing (and very cool) kind of commitment. I look forward to reading whatever you choose to share about your experience.
Wow
Date: 2009-06-17 06:17 am (UTC)May I ask, since I am late to the party, I know he died suddenly, but had you always thought you'd carry through into the great beyond, or did it just occur?
Re: Wow
Date: 2009-07-01 01:06 am (UTC)His death was my initiation into the underworld priestess path, so I guess I didn't have any frame of reference for the kind of relationship we have now. I did expect that we would be together again after death, but I did not expect it to unfold as it has.
As for sharing a mark. . . My sense is that Ereshkigal feels that one shared mark would have far greater impact on me than two separate ones. It's also possible that it would have taken their combined assertion that this is what they wanted for me to feel certain it was the right thing for me to do.