Time To Change Some Stories of Myself

[qos]

We define ourselves, in part, by the stories we tell about ourselves. We choose certain aspects of ourselves and make them prominent by the way we privelege them in how we talk about ourselves to others -- and in our own internal dialogue.

Long-time friends may remember that several years ago one of the primary features of my story of myself was that I was a woman whose heart had been badly broken twice in quick succession, and who never expected to love again. One day, while making an entry here, I realized I was tired of that story. I didn't feel an active desire to be in a relationship again, but I knew I didn't want that to be my story anymore. I stopped telling that story to myself or to others.

Not too many months later, _storyteller_, with uncrowned_king looking over his shoulder, left his first comment on my journal, starting me on the road to not one but two amazing loves.

This morning I wrote an entry that at the last moment I decided to make private. It wasn't anything super-secret or extremely decliate. It was stuff I've posted about frequently before -- and that was the trouble. I realized that I was tired of telling certain stories about myself, tired of living certain narratives that trap me in pain and frustration.

I need to change some of my stories. It's time to stop telling the story of a woman with a Masters Degree trapped in a day job that gives her no satisfaction. It's time to stop telling the story of grief over my lover's death. It's time to stop telling the story of the reluctant mother.

It's time to start telling the story of the priestess and spiritual director and author. It's time to start telling the story of the woman who has been blessed with a love that transcends time and space and the material world. It's time to start telling the story of the amazing relationship I have with my terrific daughter.


Careful the tale you tell, that is the spell warns the Witch in Sondheim's "Into the Woods" -- and it's the truth.

The facts of my life are no different at this moment than they were two hours ago. But I'm telling a new story -- which means I'm creating a whole new world for myself to inhabit and I'm shaping a whole new destiny.



What stories are you telling about yourself?
Are you telling the story of the person you really want to be?

Comments

[rin-x-x.livejournal.com]

You know whats funny? I went through the same thing. I had a boyfriend that was online and was with for a year and a halfish. I got banned from the computer, and we ended up breaking up. I was pretty freaking miserable for the next two years, and I always thought of stories of him coming back to me (despite the abuse). Although after that part I cant much remember. I think it ended differently sometimes. my stories were usually kind of like archetypical, had to deal with seasons and stuff. Its how I kept myself amused a lot when I was younger. Too bad daydreaming isn't a career path.

So anyways roughly about two years later I was in gym class, sitting beside my then-to-be-now-boyfriend, and we were going over health stuff, and it came up that it can often take up to two years for someone to help get over extreme grief. And I remember that day that I realized for a while that I hadn't been grieving and wanting him to come back.

I still sort of had those stories, kind of while I was with my now boyfriend. I don't think it was him, but the idea of that first love who wronged me begging to come back. And I think I blocked a lot the endings out because Im ashamed to admit them. But it was earlier this year that I found out some stuff that my first ex did, and when I asked him about it, he denied it. And it was funny, at that moment .. everything just .. went away. I realized I didn't love him anymore. I don't think I loved him for a long time. but it was funny because maybe earlier that week I was thinking about those stories again, wondering if he'd come back and we'd be happy together. But after me and my SO got serious... I didn't like them really anymore. They were a fun fantasy, sure. But I couldn't really consider leaving my SO for him.

I guess this didn't come out that story-like. There were a lot that he just got featured in. He's still in there (I have grand, epic fantasies involving many of my friends joining together to beat some evil people XD), but my SO is by my side, with me either rescuing him or him rescuing me. And sometimes, when Im bitter, it gets flaunted. Perhaps Im stroking my ego too much. Lol.

Hm. Sorry. I didn't mean to rant. >< I just really sympathized with the whole internal story thing. Its an odd thing for it to come to a end, but it opens up a world of possibilites, and allows people to move on with their lives.

Congratulations

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Some time ago, I did a major overhaul of my journal. (I think it was two years ago.) I did it for the reasons you express here. So I applaud your decision, because I know from experience the transformative power of carefully choosing what story you tell about yourself.

Re: Congratulations

[qos.livejournal.com]

As I was writing this, I was thinking of how much you have changed your stories over the past few years.

[rebeccax.livejournal.com]

I've been grappling with the exact same thing myself. And it points back to the idea that we manifest our realities. Energy follows thought and action.

[oakmouse]

I've been dealing with rewriting my own stories during this Mercury retrograde period. It's a powerful and important act. Good for you!

[qos.livejournal.com]

I look forward to hearing your new stories!

[oakmouse]

So do I! *g* They're still in draft stage, as it were. I'll be happy to share when they gel a bit more.

[athenian-abroad.livejournal.com]

This reminded me of Kurt Vonnegut's introduction to Mother Night, which begins, "This is the only story of mine whose moral I know. I don't think it's a marvelous moral; I simply happen to know what it is: We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."