The Pain of Healing

[qos]

I only cry once a week or so now.

I tell myself not that that's not a good thing or a bad thing, it's normal.
Time passes.
Healing occurs.

Except I want to keep ripping the scab off, feel the blood flowing again, keep the wound fresh.

How can I possibly feel "okay" most of the time when he is not here?

It's normal.
It's healthy.

How can I not want to heal?

I never want to be "over it."

Maybe the mourning goes underground, like a deep and silent river. It's not always visible, but it's always there, always flowing. My love for him goes on. My desire to be with him goes on.

Maybe the mourning does pass and eventually only the love remains.

I don't know. This is unfamiliar territory.

Most days I'm fine.
Most days I am aware of his absence but I do not weep.
Most days I don't hurt.

Except when I do.

Comments

[coen.livejournal.com]

My apologies if my responding to you is rude. It isn't meant to be rude.

I don't know you and you don't know me. I was just reading your LJ out off curiousity. I found your profile by accident, and I thought it was intresting, so I wanted to have a peek at what you write about.
And I find this.
A very personal post, obviously not meant for me, but then, it's a public post, so I assume I can read it if I want to.

I don't know what this is about. I don't know who the person is you mourn for, and why he is not there anymore. And obviously, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

But I know about mourning, and how slowly the healing process goes. And I can relate to your pain, even if I don't know anything about it.

I just want to say that I wish you well, and I hope the pain grows softer as time passes.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your kind and courteous comment.

I am mourning my partner uncrowned_king, who died on May 31st of this year.

It's the first time anyone truly close to me has died, and the territory of grief and mourning is new to me.

[coen.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry to hear that. May 31st of this year. That is not very long ago. I guess it take a lot more time to come over that.

I read you have a daughter too. That must make it all much harder, as you can't afford to just crash down and not get up again. You have to take care of your girl, and to do that you must take care of yourself too.

I hope for you, and for you girl that you really are the queen of swords, and that you have the power and the strength to deal with this.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Yes, I really am a Queen of Swords, and I think that just about anyone who's friended me will tell you I'm strong.

His absence hurts like hell, but it's not yet my time to go -- and my daughter needs me -- so I'm continuing to live my life as fully as I can, making room for both tears and smiles.

[coen.livejournal.com]

I have another question for you (if you don't mind my curiousity)

wandering through your LJ I find paganist, occult, and christian themes. Most people would think those are incompatible, but apparently you don't.

So, what are you? Do you consider yourself a christian or a a pagan, or both, or neither?

As for myself, I consider myself an atheist, but I do have an intrest in all forms of spirituality that are not dogmatic and not fundamentalistic.
I support all religions and philosophies that encourage people to think, to ask questions, and to explore. That doesn't mean I believe in all the things those religions preach, in fact I don't believe in most of it, but I do respect it, and I do want to know about it.
So basically I am a very curious atheist.

[qos.livejournal.com]

I am. . . . an ordained priestess of the Holy Grail. I honor all paths to the Divine that embrace the concepts of love, wisdom and service. I believe that union with the Divine and increasing one's ability to love and heal one's fellow humans and the earth are the basic goals of the spiritual life. I believe that following the essential teachings of Yeshua/Jesus is one of the best ways to progress on this path -- but it's not the only way.

I am also an Underworld priestess and shaman. I "journey" to the otherworld(s) and work with deities and spirits who mainstream Christianity say either don't exist or are evil deceptions.

In my experience, sacred sexuality is a powerful way of connecting with the Divine and my partner, a way of channeling power and blessing into the world. In ways I don't yet fully understand, this is also part of my priestess path.

I don't fit well in organizations and see myself rather as the Hermit in the tarot: holding my lantern up to show others the path I've walked. It's not the only path, but I've found that my experiences and my reflections on those experiences, have been of value to some others.

[coen.livejournal.com]

That is definately very different from mainstream christianity.

I was raised as a catholic, and even though I am an atheist now, and have left the churh 23 years ago, there are still parts of christianity that I like and mean a lot to me.
There are also parts I don't like, and never did like.

One of those things I don't like is that in most churches there seems to be the idea that everything physical is bad or sinfull, and it can only stop you from growing spiritually. We need to eat and drink in order to live, but let's not enjoy it! We need sex in order to reproduce, but let's not enjoy it. The only way to spiritual growth seems to be to eat and drink and have sex as little as possible.
I never liked that part.

In paganism I found that physical activities (such as sex) can be part of spiritual growth, and I like that.
We are humans, and our physical bodies are not jut a burden we drag along, our physical bodies are what we are. So why not make our physical experiences part of our spiritual growth?

You seem to have found a way to combine that physical aspect with christianity. sacred sex as a way to connect with the divine, I quite like that idea. I guess a lot of christians would not approve of that. But I like it.

As for what I believe: I believe that if we value our lives, we should value all aspects of it, so that would include physical aspects such as sex and eating and drinking and sleeping.
We should not be slaves to our physical desires, but we should not deny them either. Our physical desires are part of what we are, and should be honoured as such.