Magic Mirror Needed

[qos]

toesontheground suggested in his comment to my “Catching Up” entry that the woman with whom I find myself in conflict at the office might feel threatened by me in some way, and his “for example” involved my intelligence.

This isn’t the first time someone has suggested that someone else might feel threatened by me, but it always takes me by surprise. In my day-to-day life, I don’t feel like a formidable person. I know I’m highly intelligent, but I don’t feel like I display it that much in daily office life. I’ve also been told that I can come across as distant, or even arrogant, when what I’m feeling is shyness. When I step into a situation which calls for me to wield authority, I feel comfortable doing so, but I try not to exert the force of my intellect or personality unless I feel it’s appropriate. And I always try to be respectful of those around me.



I am coming to the conclusion that I’m mostly blind to the presence I project in society. I am not truly aware of how I come across, of what I’m projecting, or how it affects other people. This is a particularly dismaying realization when the inevitable next thought is how often I’ve been critical of someone very close to me who I’ve felt took little responsibility for the social impact of her considerable charisma.

Some people make an art of understanding social nuance, and of crafting and controlling their public face(s). I have paid attention to such things only intermittently. It comes, I’m sure, from having been a brainy, bespectacled, buck-toothed little girl who always assumed I would never be pretty. (My sister was pretty, I was smart. Took us both more than 30 years to get over that self-inflicted dualism.) The point being: I always “knew” that the social arena was not going to be the place where I would excel. I had a self-identity as a Bookworm and a Good Girl, and never went beyond that, except in my Glorious Shadow daydreams.

Even in an eclipse, some of the sun’s rays are visible. I’ve been focusing on the moon and been oblivious to those parts of me that were leaping out around it.

There’s a fine balance here. I am not responsible for how someone else reacts to me. Their reactions, their feelings are their own business. But I do hold responsibility for how I bear myself, how I interact with others. I’m not going to pussyfoot around for fear that I might make someone uncomfortable – especially not now, when I’m trying to consciously come into my power and make it real and active in the world. But I am responsible for appropriately modulating my power.

I’m not sure quite where or how to start. Getting feedback from others is important – to have those I trust hold up mirrors for me so I can start to get some understanding and perspective. (Feel free to chime in here, LJ Friends.) Simply paying attention to how I act beyond my usual concern for exercising common courtesy and respect is also important. My thoughts (as this journal suggests) are usually far from the concerns of everyday human interaction.

The fact that I’m preparing for ministry makes this a mission-critical area for my personal growth, beyond the immediate implications for my daily life. How a minister comes across to others speaks not only of themselves but also of their faith, their church, even their god. What message will people read in me?

What do they read in me now?

Comments

[queenofhalves]

or evidence of a deeper pattern that they judged your reticence in terms of power dynamic?

i hadn't thought of that, but i think you might have made a true connection there. BTW is sooo hierarchical, more hierarchical than any other system or institution i've been in (except maybe public school?). power relationships were very important there, although to their credit, they were out in the open, not hidden.

on the other hand, they were right that i was thinking of the public ritual kind of like church. but in a church, i would have eventually jumped in to help -- just not right away.