Magic Mirror Needed

[qos]

toesontheground suggested in his comment to my “Catching Up” entry that the woman with whom I find myself in conflict at the office might feel threatened by me in some way, and his “for example” involved my intelligence.

This isn’t the first time someone has suggested that someone else might feel threatened by me, but it always takes me by surprise. In my day-to-day life, I don’t feel like a formidable person. I know I’m highly intelligent, but I don’t feel like I display it that much in daily office life. I’ve also been told that I can come across as distant, or even arrogant, when what I’m feeling is shyness. When I step into a situation which calls for me to wield authority, I feel comfortable doing so, but I try not to exert the force of my intellect or personality unless I feel it’s appropriate. And I always try to be respectful of those around me.



I am coming to the conclusion that I’m mostly blind to the presence I project in society. I am not truly aware of how I come across, of what I’m projecting, or how it affects other people. This is a particularly dismaying realization when the inevitable next thought is how often I’ve been critical of someone very close to me who I’ve felt took little responsibility for the social impact of her considerable charisma.

Some people make an art of understanding social nuance, and of crafting and controlling their public face(s). I have paid attention to such things only intermittently. It comes, I’m sure, from having been a brainy, bespectacled, buck-toothed little girl who always assumed I would never be pretty. (My sister was pretty, I was smart. Took us both more than 30 years to get over that self-inflicted dualism.) The point being: I always “knew” that the social arena was not going to be the place where I would excel. I had a self-identity as a Bookworm and a Good Girl, and never went beyond that, except in my Glorious Shadow daydreams.

Even in an eclipse, some of the sun’s rays are visible. I’ve been focusing on the moon and been oblivious to those parts of me that were leaping out around it.

There’s a fine balance here. I am not responsible for how someone else reacts to me. Their reactions, their feelings are their own business. But I do hold responsibility for how I bear myself, how I interact with others. I’m not going to pussyfoot around for fear that I might make someone uncomfortable – especially not now, when I’m trying to consciously come into my power and make it real and active in the world. But I am responsible for appropriately modulating my power.

I’m not sure quite where or how to start. Getting feedback from others is important – to have those I trust hold up mirrors for me so I can start to get some understanding and perspective. (Feel free to chime in here, LJ Friends.) Simply paying attention to how I act beyond my usual concern for exercising common courtesy and respect is also important. My thoughts (as this journal suggests) are usually far from the concerns of everyday human interaction.

The fact that I’m preparing for ministry makes this a mission-critical area for my personal growth, beyond the immediate implications for my daily life. How a minister comes across to others speaks not only of themselves but also of their faith, their church, even their god. What message will people read in me?

What do they read in me now?

Comments

threatening? ME????

[taisidhe.livejournal.com]

I can relate to this. I have had the same problem over time. And I have noticed that my shyness is frequently mistaken for arrogance or distance...

One time that sticks in my memory is when I made a joke that some boy had better not mess with my daughter or I would have to reconsider whether being a good witch meant I couldn't do a lil bit of dark magick.

It was totally a joke, yet a number of people present (of whom I had a great deal of respect) believed I was serious and made rude comments that they didn't believe in witchcraft or pagan spirituality so never threaten them with such nonsense.

I had until that time thought the group I was hanging with was very tolerant. I learned differently.

So, over time, my response to those who see me as I am "not" is to simply continue to be myself and hope that they will come around to knowing the real me. Many times this doesn't happen. But, I know that it is their perception that is wrong and there is little I can do to affect that.

I will examine as honestly as I can what they seem to perceive, determine whether or not their perception has validity and then move on from there.

It's especially difficult when it is a co-worker. However, before you take on all the responsibility, remember that she has her own problems and judging you may be one of them.

I work as a temp admin assistant. When I go into a new office, they expect me to be "the temp" and just sit around on my bum and laze about.

When it turns out that I have a brain and that I am a very organized person who can make applications sit up and beg or roll over, they sometimes get worried because, the fact is that most people do not give even 75% to their jobs. They take extra time for lunch or they play on their computers while supposedly on the job or they come in late and/or leave early on a regular basis.

I always give 100%. This threatens people. I am also very friendly and a rather happy person. For some reason, this too annoys some people who prefer to spend their lives in a state of crisis.

Sorry to run on and on, but I wanted to make sure to get across to you that THEY have the problem, not you. Look at their perceptions, determine if they are valid... if they are... and you feel the need to change, then change.

But, don't assume you are in the wrong.

Okay, /set_babbling_off

Re: threatening? ME????

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your comments, Taisidhe.

It sounds like we have more than few things in common. I'm not sure how long you've been reading or how far back you went to get acquainted, but I too have a daughter (8 years old) I'm also temping as an admin assistant (while going to school). I've been at this company for five months now, so the line between temp and permanent is getting a bit blurred. For the last four and a half months, I was The Admin in another department. Now I'm in a new dept., with an admin for a supervisor. One who was hired a couple of months after I started here. It adds an extra wrinkle into this particular relationship.

Re: threatening? ME????

[taisidhe.livejournal.com]

I haven't had the chance to read past stuff as I have been spending the past week since I opened the journal moving stuff from my old site to here.

The last place I worked, the departmental admin took an instant dislike to me cos until I came along, she was queen bee. Then I found out how easy all the stuff she kept putting off (like the simple matter of ordering supplies, for example) didn't really require anything more than a few minutes of her time.

So, there was a perfect case of I was doing my job and could have done hers too... I left the week before they were going to offer me a position as I just didn't want to work around someone as rude and mean spirited as she was.

I wish you alot of luck in the job.

T'ai

[queenofhalves]

I’ve also been told that I can come across as distant, or even arrogant, when what I’m feeling is shyness.

yeah, been there. i haven't heard that in a long time about myself, so i don't know if it's still true. one new friend i met in boston says he notices i smile a lot. i suspect this is antithetical to coming off as arrogant. :>

[qos.livejournal.com]

I was thinking about your recent experience with the coven when I wrote this. It may not have been for the same reasons, but I was recalling that one of the reasons they thought you would not be a good fit was because you hung back at the ritual "waiting to be served" (if I remember correctly) - even though that wasn't your reason at all. The same could have been said about me in such a situation. I would have hung back, watching, to get a sense of how things worked before I dived in. My thought would have been "I don't want to disrupt their patterns" but would have been perceived the same way you were. Or that I was stuck up, or too high and mighty to get involved.

I found it fascinating that you quoted them in this way ("waiting to be served") and then referred to a DS dynamic in the group. Is it coincidence, or evidence of a deeper pattern that they judged your reticence in terms of power dynamic? Or am I off-base and misinterpreting what you wrote?

[queenofhalves]

or evidence of a deeper pattern that they judged your reticence in terms of power dynamic?

i hadn't thought of that, but i think you might have made a true connection there. BTW is sooo hierarchical, more hierarchical than any other system or institution i've been in (except maybe public school?). power relationships were very important there, although to their credit, they were out in the open, not hidden.

on the other hand, they were right that i was thinking of the public ritual kind of like church. but in a church, i would have eventually jumped in to help -- just not right away.