Interesting-Challenging Professional Event

Once or twice a year, the local members of Spiritual Directors International get together for an enrichment day, a combination of social time and a presentation. I just received an email notifying me of this January's event: "Power, Abuse and Healing."

The very short description says:

Join us as we explore:

o The power differential in spiritual direction

o The personal and professional relationship continuum

o Working with directees who are victims of abuse

Without wanting to detract in any way from the importance and validity of those questions, I also want to know this: will relationships involving a power imbalance be discussed in any way that acknowledges it can also have a positive effect?

For the past couple of years I've had passing fantasies of being at such a gathering and standing up to speak my piece as someone who has both been hurt by the abuse of power in a relationship and who has experienced pleasure and nurturing because of it.

I don't want to walk into this event with a defensive attitude -- but I also need to do some serious reflection around the degree to which I may want to challenge an implicit -- or explicit -- assumption that any relationship (outside the formality of a professional one) is to be avoided.

Spirit and Body

A recurring theme in my primary journal over the past few years has been my struggle to do better with the "pentacles" aspects of my life: nutrition and exercise, domestic stuff, my job, my vocation, finances. All my life, I've lived as much in my head as possible -- with sexuality being the one great exception.

My spirituality has followed this pattern, being primarily intellectual and mystical. I had a fraught relationship with ritual, felt no need to work with the traditional magic tools, and didn't have the love affair with nature that most Pagans seem to have. Again, sexuality was the exception here, and for years I longed for a partner with whom I could authentically blend sex and spirit.

Shortly after The Biopsy Crisis I started seeing a therapist to help me work through the stuck places that were at the root of my pain. This week, we spent a lot of time on my physical issues, and I told her that while intellectually I know and understand the connection between body-mind-spirit, and I'm aware of the importance of physical disciplines to a range of spiritual paths, and I know that any kind of body movement can have a sacred element, I have almost never been able to experience my own physicality as part of my spirituality -- again, with the exception sex.

I also had to explain that for most of my life I've ignored my body as much as possible. This seemed to boggle her a bit, but she's a fitness trainer as well as a counselor, so I suspect that all these things that are so challenging for me are natural to her.

She got out my intake questionnaire and scanned it, looking for help. There wasn't much. None of the 10 things I listed as the most important things in my life could be directly connected to physical health, nutrition, and/or fitness. There are no activities involving movement that particularly appeal to me. None of her usual angles of motivation helped. I recognized each one, acknowledged it, and pretty much said "I know. But that doesn't mean much to me." There's no "juice" there.

The only thing that comes close is this thought from a few weeks ago: Whatever the reason might have been, I am living an incarnated life. I have a body. I would be short-changing myself in the experience of this life if I ignore or neglect the vehicle of my incarnation.

But even that isn't particularly motivating for me.

So I'm doing some pondering around how I can connect spirit and flesh in my daily life and find types of movement that I actively enjoy. Yoga and belly dance seem the best bets. . . but it still takes an effort of will to actually do them.

There are just so many more engaging and important things to do. . .

And yes, I know that my physical health and fitness are important. But in the limited time of a day, it seems like so many other things are more immediately and urgently important. That's the problem in a nutshell.

Messy Den

In striking contrast to this icon, my house is a complete mess.

Time to spend the rest of the afternoon putting things to rights.