Progress

This afternoon, feeling stifled (but not depressed!) at my desk, I took a few minutes to go out for a walk. My office is set into the side of a hill, so every walk necessarily involves going up and down (or down and up) a slope to get anywhere.

I walked and walked, went up and down several times, and wasn't the least bit out of breath.

I'm crediting my 45-minute intense workouts with CJ that I've been doing for the past few weeks. My body shape hasn't changed noticably, but I've been feeling better and better -- and it's great to not be out of breath when I go up and down the hill.

Pondering a New Class

Over the past few days my commute has been taken up with thoughts of how I would teach a "Get to Know Your Tarot Deck" class, including a booklet that each participant would gradually complete, giving her an ongoing reference tool.

This is one of those areas where I tend to take my own knowledge for granted. There are a lot of great books about tarot out there, but how many people in my area would enjoy spending 2-3 hours in a class that's focused specifically on their own deck and their own perspective? One that doesn't give them pat meanings or patterns to memorize and follow, but tools for deepening their individual understanding of any deck they use?

What Does This Make *You* Think Of?

Wolfling's school sent out a notice for an upcoming special event for parents:

Surviving and Thriving with Your Teen During the Teen Brain Reconstruction Phase

Does this just scream mad science! to anyone else?

Lots of Small Changes

To my surprise (and delight) I no longer feel as if I am entering prison every morning as I come in to work, nor do I feel like I'm escaping prison when I leave. It's still not my favorite way to spend eight hours, but I no longer feel oppressed and depressed the entire time.

It certainly helps that She-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named no longer has anything to do with my work day. I've seen her maybe four times in the past six months, spoken with her only briefly and about nothing of consequence.

When I listen to the songs I associate with uncrowned_king I seldom weep, and when I do, often tears of love and gratitude for the blessing of the relationship with him, not the agony of grief at being parted.

I do some form of spiritual practice every day, and my spiritual life is getting ever deeper and more satisfying.

I no longer feel any twinge of fear or nervousness when I get into an elevator.

I am working out with weights and cardio a couple of times a week. I need to expand that, but for now it's still having a positive impact. As I observed a little while ago, my muscles are getting stronger and my lung capacity is improving again.

My non-rational urgency/fear around hunger has diminished significantly. Even when I'm hungry, I'm not going through the drive-through on the way home from work. If I snack at my desk, it's on a few cashews and almonds, not potato chips.

I've stopped having sudden images of myself with my hands bound -- a mental quirk that's been with me for decades.

A particular relationship that's been troubling for much of the past year has decreased in urgency and painfulness because I'm no longer allowing someone else's lack of connection to upset me.

I'm still not the world's greatest housekeeper, but I'm starting to feel both more relaxed and more attentive about my domestic chores. I perceive the energy impact to the clutter and want to do something about it.

Slowly but steadily I am gaining faith in vocation and feel increasing excitement about living it out in public.


All of this adds up to a much happier and more contented Me than I've been in a very long time.

Another Tarot Contrast: 8 of Swords

The 8 of Swords card is one which has haunted me for a long time. The traditional image is that of a blindfolded woman with bound hands standing within a thicket of swords. At first glance, it looks like she's a helpless prisoner. . . but in most traditionally drawn decks, the Robin Wood included, it becomes clear that the bonds are not tight. At the very least, she is surrounded by swords which could easily cut through them. There would be some risk, as she is blindfolded, but her remaining a prisoner is largely a consequence of her own choice.

The Ancestral Tarot (which I discovered through queenofhalves) puts an interesting slant on the usual imagery. In that card, a Japanese woman stands in a doorway at one end of a bridge with swords on each side, her face half-hidden by a fan. The way out is clear -- but the swords are a warning of the consequences she will face if she ventures beyond her assigned boundaries.





I've been living with these images -- and those of other 8's of Swords -- for the past week, as I take a closer and closer look at the ways I have been my own greatest opponent, my own persistent oppressor. Whenever I feel myself cringing back from a step I know I should take in order to advance my goals and dreams, I think of this card and try to be very, very clear with myself about what exactly I am afraid will happen if I go forward.

Most of the time the fears are phantoms, and facing them is enough to make them dissolve. Sometimes it takes a bit more work, but I have yet to find a situation in which the "threat" some part of my mind is afraid of has its roots anywhere but in my own issues.

My mind is both what holds me back and my tool for escape. It all depends on whether or not I'm willing to take responsibility for cutting through the bonds of illusion.