Echoes

Crying today, because I hear the echoes and resonances of his voice in the voice of another -- and the voice is dear -- but it's not him.

Lying on my bed crying, reaching out to try to touch him, feeling lost and alone and overwhelmed by the suddenly fresh realization that I'm not going to see him again in this lifetime, not going to feel his physical arms around me or hear his soft growling in my ear.

But I do hear him. He's become -- if not "the still small voice" -- the silent, persistent, yang-tender growl in my soul.

Crying won't help. Get up. Get dressed. Do your Work. It's the only way things will get better.

So here I am, back at my computer with my inventory document up behind the LJ window I'm about to close.

Do the fucking work I snarl at myself, angry at the lapses which make me feel more distant.

But he isn't angry. I've felt his frustration before, but today there is only infinite, eternal patience. It's hard. I know. Do the Work. It will get better. I love you.

I hate the days when even the comfort makes me cry harder.

Oh. Damn.

I've been working on my personal inventory, and found myself writing the following:

I don’t have much fun these days. In fact, part of me isn’t sure I know what “fun” looks like right now. Most of the proposals for activites leave me feeling tired. That could be a health issue [and I have doctor's appointment next week], but it also is probably needing to do a refresh of my options. I’ve changed a lot in the past couple of years and I feel like a lot of my life hasn’t caught up with those changes.

It wasn't all that long ago that I was writing repeated entries here about how I felt like I was in limbo between who I was and who I might become. None of my old stories fit anymore, few of the old archetypes resonated with the meaning on which I was focused. Then some things clicked -- my vocation, love -- and everything else straightened out. Old issues were resolved or released. I had found myself.

And here I am again.
But not quite.

Now I feel like I do know who I am -- but when I look around at my life, I don't see that person reflected. When I think about "things to do" I fall back on lifelong habits and expectations that no longer fit.

There are some deep habits of thought that need changing.

Which, of course, is part of the exericse I'm doing: identifying what changes I need to make.

Where Did *This* Icon Come From???

This is supposed to be my "Kill Bill -- All Is Right With the World" icon, showing the Bride and BB snuggling together. I use it for happy Wolfling posts.

Where in the world did this image come from???

I can only hope that a couple of LJ wires got crossed and someone isn't hacking my account.

Done

That's it.

I've been through the emotional wringer six ways from center today, and I'm done.


Good night, everyone.

I'm so glad tomorrow is a holiday here in the US.